Not sure where to stand

[Sparkls]

Just had an appointment with my IC and he boiled it down pretty simply and something that really sat with me. At the end of the day, I have to wait and see if H is going to have a change of heart. If he doesn't, the relationship is over. If he does, we can see if it moves forward. How long I wait to see if that happens is up to me. Very little I do is likely to change that.

I guess I'm struggling with treating him like a WH vs a walk-away. But, again as my IC point out, I'm trying to make sense of an ink blot in front of me. I really have no clue whats going on with him. Eventually something will change. He can tell his friends that "we won't ever work" but the reality is he hasn't gotten his stuff, he hasn't changed his fb status, he hasn't actually told *me* that. Its all just words.

But I'm having more and more moments where I don't know why I'm fighting. He's off having fun, sharing stupid facebook posts and I'm cleaning our home, paying our bills. WTF am I even doing anymore.
The one thing I always wanted out of a relationship was a partner, someone who would fight for me. I have neither of those right now. And I'm wondering if I ever even had those with him. I feel like I'm just fighting at this point because I don't want to let go. Is that really a good enough reason?

How does one kick him out of this wayward fog? I can't think of anything else to do.

[TimR]

Boy Sparkles (lol) I wish I knew how to get a spouse out of their fog! If I did many of us would not be here. I most certainly would be back with my wife.

I asked my counselor about when do I know its time to let go and move on away from W. I explained my entire life revolves around winning and losing and not quitting. My job in litigation is win/lose, wrestling win/low, judo win/lose. I turn so much into competition. I explained while right now I still have this burning love for my W but what about the future. What if I am still fighting because "I just don't want to lose" His response was in your heart you will know, until then keep fighting. I think the same could apply to you.

I have days when I think F this I am just going to move one. A few moments later I am thinking how much I just want to hold and cuddle her. Maybe its not meant to be but for now I am going to keep fighting. In your heart you will know when it is over, over and not just frustration talking.

I hope you the very best Sparks!!

[broke]

Sparks and Tim,

I feel the same way as you both do....when will we know it is time to give up? I agree some with Tim about winning and losing. My H even said to me "I think you don't want to get a D because you just don't want to lose". But, I think it is also about being a family, fighting for your marriage and wanting it to be a better M than it was before. To give it a fighting chance now that you know what the issues are and what you would do to try to "fix them".

I sincerely hope that your IC is right and our hearts will know when it is time to let go and move forward. I am on the same roller coaster of F this one moment and tearing up about a memory the next. I guess all we can do is our best. Keep detaching, making a life for ourselves, hoping our WAS wants to try to reconcile and, if not, at least we are the best "me" that we can be.

Good to know I am not the only one that cycles back and forth between hope and despair. I am hopeful someone on this board will have a successful reconciliation soon....very soon.

[Sparkls]

Considering mine is still completely wrapped in a fog, I doubt it'll be me. I'm still struggling with what I"m fighting for. I don't want this guy. Am I deluded myself that he can be someone different?
I'm definitely making small changes in myself. And I like them but I also just want someone to notice and say "Hey, good job!". But all of my friends are a little too wrapped up in their own lives so all of my GAL is solo activities (which is fine, I don't mind being alone).
I guess I'm just not very good at being patient. I have to give him real time to live with the consequences of his actions. Really the first week was a countdown to his trip and then his trip. He's only been back a day. Now he has to really start addressing what he's going to do with his life.

[HopeRB]

Sorry to hijak your spot Sparks, but a wise counselor told me a few months ago that all you can do is be patient and wait for the fog to lift from their eyes and for the A to die a natural death...b/c we hope it will. Sometimes it doesn't and that hurts too. In my case, I feel like H is knee deep in his fog and has had enough time to come out of it but he just seems to believe this is his truth. So who really knows.

I'm just like you, Tim and broke, where I feel like, "What am I really doing? Why am I fighting for this man who could care less? Am I just delusional? Am I pathetic?" But I think for me its 100% that we deserve a fighting chance to try again, on both ends. I love how you put this broke:

"Keep detaching, making a life for ourselves, hoping our WAS wants to try to reconcile and, if not, at least we are the best "me" that we can be."

We all cycle between hope and despair. Yesterday morning alone I felt about 5 very different emotions. It actually drains me to the point that I need to take a mental break, but I know someone on here is going to experience piecing and reconciliation very soon...I can feel it. My friends are all wrapped up in their own stuff also Sparks, and I do all of my GALing solo too, wish we could all just GAL together!

[Sparkls]

Well I just got a text about him wanting to come by and get more of his stuff and seeing if I was free today (I am).
Part of me wants to say no, since it's such short notice.
Thoughts?

[Ojap]

Questions I would ask myself:

Do I want to be here when H comes?
If so, am I able to keep up the DBing?
What expectations do I have if I see H?

Based on your posts...biggest question would be...'Do I say 'no' because I would want more time to prepare for this encounter?"

Don't put yourself in a position where you feel pressured to act.

[Sparkls]

Emotionally I'm like 80-20 I can do it. But the house is messier than I want and I also don't want to come across as always being available. I do have class today and a bunch of errands to run. But yes, I'd feel pressured into being ready.

[Ojap]

Then say 'no' for sure! That is absolutely your prerogative. Say no...and offer another time (or two) so you aren't dismissive or cold. IMO...

The vets may have other suggestions...

[Sparkls]

I just worry that saying no is going to come across as me saying no to either be spiteful or being unwilling to let him move his stuff out or something.
Ugh, I don't know.