Wife has filed for divorce

[Ralph88]

Did you say remarrying in the future? Funny my WaW has mentioned that. Must be some sort of fantasy people have. I personally think it's a manipulation statement to get lbs to go through divorce peacefully.

[trumpet]

Excile,

Read up on you sitch. Lots of commonality. Read up on mine, you might enjoy it.

I'm a porn addict who watched porn before I was married. Wife had lots of self-esteem/body issues, including getting raped in college, bulimic the year we got married, and has control issues, most likely stemming from an emotionally abused mother. It's like an activity of connect-the-dots that I've done over the last 4 months. I'm 113 days 'clean', and won't be going back. The porn for me was an escape - my wife is very low libido, or claims to be. I have always been high libido, partly because I used sexual release to releave stress. I distanced from my wife and my friends, and my wife had issues with a thyroid. A PA 3 years ago, and now an EA.

Anyway, I'm here to help in any way I can. To men, trying to change is logical and a way to 'pound the nails' you as a hammer see in front of you. Emotion-controlled women, like yours, do not think logically. I didn't think logically using porn for all those years - I was wiring my brain to need it to feel ok about myself.

Get lots of exercise. GAL'ing/DB'ing won't make sense until you can let your wife go, and still love her. You'll need to be in a place where you've forgiven her, she probably won't forgive you (that's why she's wayward), and you'll be able to love her without love returning to you. No way to reconcile until your wife is no longer wayward. My wife is still in withdrawls, and talked to OM this week, so she backslid, and it's got me upset, and disappointed. However, after 4 months, I'm way more content in myself, got a promotion, have lost A LOT of anger because of the shame of the porn, and realize I'll be OK without her. I really hang on the shame of having caused her to file a D that will devastate the kids. She put a stoppage on the divorce, but every slip back to texting/talking to OM puts her back to square one in the recovery - like sliding back to the first 3 squares in the shoots and ladders game.

Hang in there. Really, this is no short-term fix. Don't move out of the house for ANY reason. It's her anger talking. If she's on dating/texing websites, she's getting her thrill from the chase. It might have to run it's course, and with her filing, the D might go through. You don't control that portion of the program anymore.

You can learn to forgive yourself.
You can learn to forgive your wife.
What does that look like? (it's a great question to answer)
You can make changes in yourself to never go back to porn. It's a slope that men get on, and rationalize sin.
You can make changes your wife sees, but are really for you, and for you alone. YOU ALONE.

Imagine being able to watch yourself converse with your wife from 5 feet above and behind your head. Like a guardian angel above you. Imagine letting her hurt and anger just go through you like you were invisible. Imagine telling her you understand she's hurt and angry. It must have been tough to carry your secret, carrying the water for the family.
Don't expect her to apologize. It might take years, dude. Just drink the STFU (shut the frak up) smoothie, and listen.
Go to church, learn the love of Jesus that passes all understanding, unconditional love. It's what we're supposed to model. It doesn't mean your a pushover - it means you forgive (back to that forgiveness question).

Sorry to go on and on. Fire questions away at me... happy to help.

[excile101]

Hi trumpet

I was so caught up in what I doing that I completely lost sight that I was supposed to show my wife affection. I couldn't see through the fog of what I was doing. She would cry alone at night and I was too proud to comfort her and ignored her instead. I do not look at porn anymore. All this has been like a cold shower and I cannot be a slave to that s**t any longer.

Tonight she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said that she thought we would grow old together. I replied that it was her choice, to which she nodded resolutely. I then said that I am here if she ever changes her mind. we hugged but it felt like another knife through me.

She hasn't forgiven me and I don't know if she can. I don't want to loose her but am at the stage where the divorce is steam rolling now and there is nothing I can do. I am moving out soon as to give her space. She would only end up hating me or moving out herself if I don't. I have a new job to start soon which will require my full attention and take me away from the family for long hours.

I try and let go of her and then she says something with tenderness and I fall back in and break down. This is so hard and I will GAL and keep my distance but we have young kids so I will have to see her and discuss child related stuff.

Like you said, it's logical to want to work on our marriage and not throw it all away but how can her hardened heart be softened with just time?

I pray every night but feel abandoned. I don't understand. I don't know how she could ever change her mind when she is so sure that she is doing the right thing. She sees divorce as the only way!

There are no other men. She is not interested and is too damaged now to care.

I will change big time in every positive way I can. I have been immature and careless but will she notice and can it really change her heart? I'm along way off from the man I want to be but worry that I may never recover or forgive myself for what I have done to her.

[excile101]

I was speaking to my w and she again mentioned that she was hoping thay we would grow old together and see our grandchildren. I told her that I am going to be working on my personal growth and would like to volunteer abroad on a small project. I told her that I am considering future work in the middle east as I don't intend to remarry. She answered that she wished I had been like this before and prioritized her and the children and did everything to give us a better life. She said that I have become more selfless since the separation and sees our last separation as a waste of valuable time. She continued by saying that all I did then was loose a few pounds and didn't really change. I replied that I am going to go a be the man I should have been and if she wants to come along for the ride the door is open.

She seemed to have trouble understanding that the divorce can be stopped and that even if it goes through, we can start again. She said that she will miss me and doesn't intend to remarry as a divorcee. She even said that she will cry when we divorce but now thinks that I will be ok as I have my new life to look forward to?!

It almost felt like there could be hope for the future by me GAL and doing a 180.

I don't want to keep looking for reassurances and I have to move out to implement the plan but I feel I have to tread carefully and need some advice how I can navigate this. I also need a plan to try and stop the divorce process.

[daybyday]

Excile, I have read your sitch. I am in same boat. Read my sitch if you get time. W said she was done and wanted D. We are still in same house but she agreed to separate. At first she said that a separation would just prolong the inevitable. Now she says she is unsure of how she will feel in future. As Sandi has told me, it could be her way of easing me into divorce. It could be. It might not be. I have no control of her feelings.

I am back here for the second time also. Our sitch's have many parallels. The way you describe how you would interact with wife when she would cry, or yell. I have come to the conclusion that 180's are good to a point, but until we are separated I dont think anything gets resolve. In house with our W is rough. For the same reasons as you, I keep getting suck back to her like a drug as you have said. I have been GAL and she has been more curious lately but is still excited to be moving out. That feels like a knife in the gut everytime she brings up furniture for her place or whatever.

Your W is hurting and therefore feels this way. As was said before, feelings change. We all want it fixed NOW and that just wont happen. I also told wife that I dont want to be her friend, I want to be her H, but I understand that if thats all you have with her right now that you would cling to that as I do. One key word that all the good veterans on here is DETACH. I struggle too because I seem to sulk also. It's a fine line. Some days really stink. Perhaps if they see some sustained change they may view us differently. Perhaps after we change it will be us who view them differently?

[excile101]

Daybyday

I agree with you on how affective a 180 can be whilst still living together. They need to miss us and then almost see a different man walk through the door.

My w is now saying she has no libido or will to have sex with anyone ever again! She says I'm her best friend and it's all she can give me. She says that she is heart broken and that's all she knows right now. I'm going to see if she will postpone the divorce to give us both time to let me do a 180 and for her feelings to change. See says I've had plenty of chances but this isn't just about me, we have two young kids to think of too.

Being able to detach is a common rule on here. I don't quite get it. How can you detach unless you are somehow giving up and letting them go?

I'm dreading the day I move out. We are actually talking more and getting along fine. I know that with distance she will see what she is missing but it's hard because if the last time I left and the pain I endured.

I've read that some couples yo yo back to each other when things calm down. I'm not sure it's what I want but my m has been turbulent from the start.

I too don't just want to be friends but what else is there? We would have to be ok for the kids sake.

Are you planning on leaving soon? What are you going to do during your 180?

[daybyday]

We could be friendly for kids sake, but not friends. It's like Sandi says, they want a gay boyfriend. Not gonna happen.

I am not leaving, she is. She is really dragging her feet though.

When I look back on wifes complaints and what I am doing for 180, they dont necessarily mesh. I mean I am trying to do what I think is going to make me the man I want to be. Some of their complaints are just stabs in the dark. To them, nothing was ever right in the M. They rewrite history.

I am hitting the gym hard. Have lost about 30 lbs. Have another 50 to go. Making my S lunch and breakfast occasionally.

The longing I get into this thing, I am seeing another woman. One that I wouldnt have married and may not want again. Use your anger friend. It helps with the sadness. We can do this.

[Vapo]

Excile, you do realize that she is BULL$HITTING you on an epic scale, don't you. She's been feeding you bull and you just keep taking it? Wake up and smell the rat!!!

Damn it man, you are a man, not a mouse. She says she doses not want to have sex ever again? WTF is she hiding the phone? Jesus, MAry and Joseph, you need to grow a pair and ASAP.

Let me spell it out for you again, SHE IS
B U L L $ H I T T I I N G
you on a legendary scale.

For God's sake, DO NOT MOVE OUT. If she wants freedom, she can move. Show her some balls. She does not want a wimp. You need your self esteem back. You deserve to be loved right and if you have to give up yourself, than it is not love, it's slavery.

And you can bet your bottom dollar that an OM is in the waiting. Your W appears to be a serial cheater with issues stemming from her childhood.

[CWOL]

I agree with Vapo on this.
Your wife is the one that wants out.
DO NOT MOVE OUT.
You will give up all kinds of things by moving out.

What she is feeding you is not true. She's hiding something, you need to figure it out.

[excile101]

Well if there is someone, I would have spotted it by now. It's no longer that important anymore. If she was cheating it would make my decisions and feelings easier.

DbD, you and sandi are right in that I would just be a shoulder to cry on when things don't go her way. She had also rewritten history and made out that the marriage was a lie and she only finds negative things to say. I am leaving as I want the kids to stay in their home and school. She would be happy to move away to a cheaper area and screw the kids lives up....but she could be bluffing. My rights and money in the house are secure. The court has accepted my terms so I can give my w space and I can get on and db.

She is adamant right now with divorcing me. She is damaged from what I put her through. But I cannot wait around like last time. I have too much to do and will not suffer like that again. If she wants to work on the marriage then great but I will not beg. Last time she was seeing other guys. This time is different. She wants to play at being a single mom to prove how she can do it. She doesn't however like the thought of being a divorcee and remarrying in her 40's with two daughters as bridesmaids!

I am concerned though that she will still try and control me when I leave. I want to help out but know that I must back off and let her deal with everything.

Maybe I too will eventually detach and see her differently....