Ojap's Story

[Ojap]

Basically...the W grew up in a difficult home situation w/ parents. Her only real safe place was her local church. When we were married, we were both 'all-in' at our local church. Working with children and youth for a number of years.

Right around the time our twins were born things began to change. I was working full-time w/ the church and that tends to put a microscope on the entire family. People in the church want to 'know' your family. They want to be 'close'. They offered unsolicited opinions. My W really grew into her 'momma bear' self during this time. Our girls were premature, and struggled quite a bit...so she became very protective (rightly so)...especially at church. W did NOT appreciate the fact that so many people were 'weighing in'...and I didn't handle it well either. I would 'justify' their actions. Say it was sincere and they simply wanted to be a part of our lives. That was VERY wrong on my part. It felt like an invasion to her and I didn't protect. Those type of situations happened for a number of years.

Fast forward to 2011. We are in a different state. Wife is finally out of grad school and I am working for a new church...one we thought was 'less intrusive', and was closer aligned with our evolving theology (we grew up in very fundamentalist churches, and this one was a bit more centerist/liberal). However...9 months in, I was basically corned and told that b/c my wife wasn't 'paying her portion of tithes' that I would need to make some major adjustments. Apparently my job description had 'the minister will pay tithes on the total household income'. So...even though my W was supporting a single mom w/ a sick child on a regular basis...that church thought they knew better how she should give her money.

Needless to say...that's an attempt to control. I DID recognize that, and resigned the position.

We moved back to current location...and I worked outside of the church for 2+ years...but we began volunteering at 'old/original church' together. My father is the pastor of this church and planted it 20 years ago...so lots of 'ties' there. The church had grown, as had its approach and they were wanting to 'change...be more relevant'. So...we helped and I got offered a job. That was 2014. Been slowly going downhill since then.

Examples of our beliefs that have changed:

1. W and I are completely okay with alcohol consumption (being a 'drunkard' is bad...enjoying wine and beer...necessary! lol). Our church definitely is not.

2. Our church believes in some things that I think are possible...b/c it is in scripture...but we both believe that they are more emotionally driven, rather than supernatural (speaking in tongues, healing, etc.)

3. Our church believes homosexuality to be an 'incorrect' lifestyle. W and I have made way to many friendships with people of faith, who are gay, to subscribe to that belief system.

Those are just a few examples...Also...I am working hard to find employment outside of this church. There are REALLY good people there, including my family. But it is time to move on. Deciding to go back to work their in 2014 may have been the worst decision of my life. Even though W brought serious concerns...she still supported the decision b/c she didn't want to 'crush my dreams', etc.

Hope this answers your questions...