Still NC - Trying to move forward

[Zues126]

Good morning friends,

Happy Monday.

I have a 45 minute drive to work and it gives me a lot of time to think. I often wonder if there was anything at all I could have done to save my relationship. Even if I was perfect, I honestly don't know if W would have stayed.

I look at her history from an outsiders point of view and try to think objectively. She has had over 30 jobs. Moved to different states multiple times. Had lots of 1-2 year relationships. An issue with alcohol. Never been engaged. Has dated abusive men. Has an unhealthy codependent relationship with her mother. She also seems to run anytime things start to get serious.

Am I calling her a bad person? No. But I'm wondering if she's just not capable of having a healthy sustained long term relationship. I also wonder if I am being naive by hoping we could one day work things out.

W is a very loving person and a good mother. But she also has a dark side to her. She can be irritable. She stresses very easily. And when she's angry, she can quickly escalate.

Please understand, I am not saying that I have no faults. I do, lots of them. But I was ALWAYS willing to compromise, apologize when I was wrong, put the work in to make things better, and try to change.

I'm starting to honestly think that once W moves all of her stuff out of our new house, that I will never hear from her again. And that breaks my heart. It also breaks my heart for her D8. She became my daughter. And I loved spending time with her and teaching her things.

Time will tell. And as they say, time takes time.

Thornton,

I do this often after I lost a match of pool. I always wonder what I could've done better. Sometimes what I did would've won me the match. Other times it's not so clear.

In the end it doesn't matter. I always want to get better. And I always can look back and know that I've done the best I could.

I look back at my marriage and I know I couldn't have done better. I could do better NOW. But then, that was the best I had. I live my life to my best every day and I sleep like a baby at night because of it. Sure I made mistakes, but as they say: Experience is learning something you needed to know right after you needed to know it.

[Thornton]

Zues,

I always welcome your input, thank you.

Tonight has been a little rough. I was surfing the web and came across Borderline Personality Disorder.

I read through a lot of the signs of BPD, and W has quite a few.

I am not diagnosing W as I am not a therapist but a lot of the things to look for are there.

In addition, everyone who knows her mother (whom she is very close and codependent with), swears that her mother is BPD.

I guess I feel like there's not much hope for us. If in fact, she is BPD, the only way to have a successful relationship with her is if she was to actively seek therapy and do the work. Knowing W, she isn't one to seek out therapy.

I'm feeling discouraged tonight. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it.

I'm trying my hardest to place my focus solely on myself, but I'm still feeling the sting of heartbreak.

A lot of people here have ties with their partners (kids, homes, taxes etc). I have nothing that ties me to W. All of our finances are separate, we share no kids together, and only my name is on the mortgage.

I struggle with the fact we went to buying our home and dreaming about the future to absolutely no contact in the blink of an eye. Today it's been exactly one month since we went our separate ways.

By all accounts and from what I've heard, she is doing just fine without me. And no, I haven't snooped, it's too painful for me.

So why am I so distraught about this woman who seemingly discarded me like a piece of trash after all the stuff we've been through together?

[TimR]

You feel the way you do because you truly loved. Why we all feel the way we do. I am with you in feeling down tonight. I don't know what else to tell you buddy. It will go away eventually but when you are in pain seconds last hours, days, or weeks. That is why I question whether I could ever go through this again or even risk going through it again. I seems easier to build a wall around my heart and just keep everyone out.

I am sending you strength and will pray for you.

[Thornton]

Thanks, Tim.

I'm pulling for you too.

I question if I could do this again as well. Hell, I am doing it again. This is my second rodeo with W.

I wonder if I'm just a sucker for W. I take that back, I AM a sucker for W. She just has my heart. And as much as I wish I could just turn my feelings off, it's not that easy.

What compounds it for me, is how seemingly easy it was for her to turn her feelings off.

They say self esteem needs to come from within... makes sense. But this woman has done a number on my self worth.

[broke]

Thornton and Tim,

I'm sorry you are both feeling low tonight. I wish I had a magic potion for all of us DB'ers to make the pain go away. And I'd love to figure out how to build that wall around my heart. But I think the reason we are here is because we are such dedicated partners. My IC said the bad news is that we are deeply attached to our WAS's, which means that it will be a longer painful journey through this. But that the good news is, those of us that attach so deeply, will happily attach again. I certainly think both of you deserve and will find that happy attachment again with or without your wayward partners. ((Hugs))

[Thornton]

That's encouraging news, Broke.

I just cannot for the life of me, think about being with anyone else. I would love the companionship but any time I think about my next relationship and what it would entail, I see W's face.

I guess it just takes time, and lot's of it.

[kiwiGAL]

You sound wise and wonderful Thornton,

I know that i will not be alone for ever, what i don't know is who i will have a relationship with in the future - Xh is still in the mix and is one of the billions of possibilities. For now, a new relationship is not my priority - and i am ok with that. Actually, i am enjoying being me and single for the first time since i was a highschool teenager.

Sounds like you are successfully becoming, and actively being, the best you - which sounds like a great person. I hope you find some things you really enjoy, just for you, that give you some joy each day.

[TimR]

Thanks Broke. I have to admit this is the second message board I have ever been on. The first was reddit and just posting trivial stuff. I love the internet haters and reading the fights that would start over nothing. I figured that was what forums were all about. This board however, is such a weird place. I never thought I would care so deeply about people I never met and probably never will. Yet, I am so personally invested in each of you. If my sitch brought nothing else it brought me some great self discovery and new friends that feel like old friends!

[Thornton]

Kiwi, thanks! I appreciate the kind words. I'm glad you are in a happy place right now.

Tim, it's cool isn't it? A forum for the brokenhearted all lifting each other up. It makes me have a little faith in humanity.

[HopeRB]

Thornton & Tim, I totally agree with you about this forum. Since I've posted, I've felt so much more empowered, and encouraged by everyone here - it's pretty amazing. I think about this place alot and am so grateful such a place exists and keep you all in my prayers every, single day.

So Thornton, you're in good company tonight. A rush of tears overcame me during my church small group meeting tonight and then I got on the train and cried all the way home, mascara down the face and all lol. Luckily, I had some friends literally hugging me on both sides, although they were kind of the reason I was crying - they just got married and get along so well and I would love for H to attend church and meetings with me. I'm feeling a lot better right this second though! And for a brief moment, I felt like, "I'm over it, this is stupid." Saying all of that to say, we're going to come out of this better and stronger for the next adventure, with or sans WAS. Hope you're able to get a restful sleep tonight.