Still moving in a new direction

[mleigh4]

Took S tonight to drop him off with H. I dreaded seeing him, I really did. S has a field trip tomorrow, to visit NASA! I figured H probably forgot, and it's up to him to make sure S is prepared. So I took paper lunch bags and a lunchable to pack for his lunch, which sure enough, H needed. What a loser mom I am, no?

I am enjoying my night, had a good day, and I wonder....H spew has rolled off me. Sure, it hurts, and I know it's not true, but I honestly can give a rat's a$$ what he thinks. So, is this detachment?......or done?....... the two are feeling very blurred to me.

I told him today, at one point, that I truly am sorry I share a child with him, that it has become a nightmare. I said he will not ruin my one and only chance at being a mother. I mean it all, 100%.

I had flashbacks today, of going on cruises with H and FIL. S went through a phase, from about 3 to 7, where he would insist on wearing pants and long sleeves in hot weather. Even in the balmy Caribbean. When I asked him why, he would say he liked feeling warm, and the sun hurt his skin. He never overheated, I would encourage him to change, and ask him, are you sure?? But I figured, no big deal. Anyway, on cruises, H and FIL would make the biggest deal out of it, to a point where they would have S change, crying as he did it. It infuriated me and would cause all this friction while on vacation. God, I don't miss those days.

I keep getting, reminder after reminder, how often I was pretty miserable with H. We are very different people and don't really seem to respect each other's ideas. I am just as guilty, it's not all him. It's days like today that I truly think he did me the biggest favor by leaving. There must be better than this!?

Thank you guys for your validation and support. You guys are my rock. Hope you have a good night.