What the heck is this?

[mleigh4]

I like the quote from your IC, that you can change the way you feel by changing the way you think! Totally true and something to live by everyday!

Thank you

[2Times2Many]

Okay. This one has me baffled.

We use a text app that allows a text message or status on your profile (kind of like the status/quotes here).

I take a look at h's from time to time. It gives me a clue as to where his mind is. Usually he adds quotes about happiness, paths, living life, etc.

Today I saw he changed it a couple of days ago to "Busy plucking chickens."

Does anyone have any idea what that means? An inside joke with his buddies? Something else? (Hope I haven't put anything on here I shouldn't ... unfortunately he's befriended some crude types.)

[job]

Maybe it means that he's got a lot on his plate and doesn't have time to focus on anything else, i.e., possibly got a lot on his mind.

It could mean anything in their world. I wouldn't worry too much about it because he certainly isn't plucking real chickens. Maybe he knows you are checking the app and put it out there to see if you'll bit and ask him what it means????

It's not something I would lose sleep over.

[2Times2Many]

Job ... thank you for chiming in.

I have no clue what that means... if it was meant for me or if it's something that has some meaning where he lives. I have no intention of asking about it. At least not at this point in time.

I do know he's going on another retreat. Maybe it has something to do with letting his friends know he's out of touch. IDK.

I've been out of the office for the past few days, so I haven't had any contact with him. I suspect some of that has to do with the fact that I expressed some displeasure with him relying on me to make his life over there possible and easier to accomplish. I knew I'd be in the doghouse for that one.

But, I will give him credit. He broke the silence to text me his retreat plans and where he would be, where he was staying and for how long. After his last trip I expressed my concern that I had no idea where he was and that if something happened to him, I wouldn't know where to go if he needed help.

He agreed to keep me informed (that was a mutual thing) but justified it by saying that business partners should know that kind of stuff. He followed through.

Other than that, I've backed off and have been pretty much dark. I figured it was best after coming down on him about relying on me to make his new life easier to navigate.

As for me, I've totally enjoyed my time away from the office. It's so awesome to wake up in the morning and ask myself what do I have to do today and realize that the "have to do's" allow me a lot of time to do the "want to do's." I actually got all of the "have to do's" done and still have the whole weekend for me! Well, except for laundry, but still good.

I booked a trip to NYC for this summer. I've always wanted to visit the Museum of Modern Art and H always resisted, saying it wasn't his kind of art. It took me a while to find a hotel near the museum that was in my price range, but I found one and booked it.

Now I need to book the flight. H has a ton of miles and has always said I could use them. The offer is enticing, but I don't really want to do that. I'd rather do things on my own, as if I was on my own. I will give that one some thought ... especially since I expressed displeasure at helping him with his rent thing. Probably not the right time to ask him for something. I think I will just pay my own way.

Thanks again, Job, for your input. That one is still a puzzler but I guess it will remain so for a while. I've learned not to ask questions that I might not like the answers to, so I think I will leave that one alone for now.

[2Times2Many]

I need some opinions.

I'm still thinking about this business of wiring funds for h's apartment lease and depositing his checks. I feel like it's cake eating. He's living his fantasy life in happy-ville and expecting me to make sure he can continue to do that by making sure he has the money he needs to do it. It just goes against my grain.

I know I could make his life miserable just by not depositing his checks but I'm not that kind of person. I'm not vindictive and sincerely do no want to hurt him.

And his last visit here was a pleasant one, but my gut says he's hooked up with another OW. I have no proof of that, just my intuition based on how he behaved over the holidays and when he was here last time. He was actually pretty good when he was here last time, but it's hard to tell where he's really at because his assistant was here as well. There were signs of old H but it was also clear that he was still doing some replay. I could be totally wrong, but something just doesn't "feel" right.

My worry is that he's very comfortable with things as they stand and has no impetus to make any changes. Again, I could be wrong. He may very well working his way out of the tunnel, but since I don't see him I have no way of knowing.

I've been dark for the past few days and to be perfectly honest, I really don't want to talk to him. However, h calls into the office on weekday mornings and I usually answer his call. It's become a routine.

I'm thinking of avoiding his calls by allowing BIL to take the call. BIL would have no problem telling h that I didn't have anything I needed to talk to him about.

I'm just wondering if that would be pushing him in the wrong direction? Back into the tunnel? Or, is it better to just keep on with things as they have been? It seems to me that he thinks I have no problem with the current sitch but, of course, it's not at all acceptable to me.

I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions ... sit back, zip my lips and keep "allowing" him to live in happy-ville with no interference from me OR check out for a while and give him something to think about.

Opinions??

[HaWho]

Hi 2Times2Many - I admire the way you are traveling this road.

Of course your h is nice and comfy! He's left things in your very capable hands.

My advice is to listen to your inner voice. It sounds like you feel helping him out with the wiring of funds enables him to cake eat. In my personal opinion, I agree. Even if there is no OW, I feel this is his responsibility and he should deal with the reality/hassles of wire transfers.

As for the calls, in my opinion I would bow out of those a bit. You say yourself you are not comfortable with the current sitch. And I can see why. You can see if he reacts and if so, how. I would do this carefully as he will pry as to why you weren't available. Personally, I would 't even say you have nothing to update him on. Whatever you say to BIL will get back to h. So what message do you want slipping to h? Maybe try saying to BIL: "I won't be in today as I have plans." H will call in and someone will say you aren't in. He'll probably ask for BIL then, maybe? If so he'll pry. Or maybe you should go away for a few days and say to BIL "I'll be out of town" and nothing more.

Just my .02.

[2Times2Many]

Thanks, HaWho. I sometimes think h is nice and comfy and then I re-read some of the material on here, particularly the posts made by former MLCers, and I realize it may look like he's nice and comfy on the outside, but inside he's a mess.

By the way, I've been following your threads and I have to congratulate you on your perseverance in your sitch. I don't know that I could deal with what your dealing with day in and day out.

After sleeping on it and asking the question, will this get me closer to my goal, I've decided it's best to stay the course and not rock the boat anymore than I already have recently. I'll continue to answer the phone in my perky, friendly way. Our conversations are getting shorter and shorter anyway. BIL is handling the day to day operations and he usually passes things on to h. So, other than telling h everything is running smoothly, we really don't have much to say anymore. We've grown so far apart and he goes to great lengths to keep me "dim" about what he does over there. I, on the other hand, don't tell him too much about what I'm up to ... mysterious me. That doesn't leave a lot to talk about, does it?

I was already a little perturbed that h was going to stay gone for 3 months. That's the longest span thus far. Then the apparent length of the new lease just piled more on top of that.

I think I understand what is going on though.

H has two younger half siblings through his Mom. He's always expressed resentment and anger over feelings that his parents, his Dad in particular, treated him differently than his siblings. He left home at 18 and says he couldn't stand to live in their house anymore. I have to admit that I've seen some of this myself over the past 20 years, particularly when it comes to his sister.

Packing up h's belongings and asking him not to stay here when he comes to town was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I knew he'd end up staying at his parents house and that it would be very uncomfortable for him. (He could stay at a hotel, but won't spend the money for that.) But I had a choice of taking care of my own mental and emotional health or making h's life comfortable. I chose my health.

So, I suppose the long absence and the new lengthy lease has a lot more to do with avoiding his parents than with avoiding me.

I've thought a lot about the trigger that sent h over the edge and I've come to the conclusion that is was moving back to this city. When we decided to move, h chose here to be closer to his parents since they were getting on in age. But I think that the frequent interaction with them brought back the childhood resentment that he has never resolved or forgiven.

It really stinks that I am the one paying the biggest price for that.

[mleigh4]

Follow your gut to do what feels right to you. If you feel you are being taken advantage of, make changes. If you are ok with it, leave it be. I have tweaked things here and there to get in a place that feels right for me. Then change things up as my path changes. You will know what feels right for you.

Interesting about the parent thing, thoughts that set off Bday. It always seems to fall back to that.

[2Times2Many]

Thank you, mleigh4. Tweaking seems to be the right word, doesn't it? Find the place that's right for us and go with the flow when necessary. I'm still smiling about "I'm free!" This may out of date, but you go girl!

On the home front, H called into the office today and I felt so sorry for him. He's on a retreat and I know he was hoping it would help him find some clarity, but I think it's turned out to be a cheeseless tunnel for him.

In addition to cleansing the mind, they apparently focus on cleansing the body. They don't allow smoking (h smokes, although he is trying to quit) or alcohol. They also don't serve anything caffeinated, like tea or coffee. H is a coffee fiend. He can't function in the mornings without his dose of caffeine. They are extremely vegetarian ... not even eggs or milk (and h is big milk drinker). H sounded absolutely miserable and just kept saying, "One more day!"

I empathized and it was easy to do. I know this is not at all what he expected. He was looking for something that would help him "figure himself out" but I don't know that he is gaining any perspective at all. It seemed like all he was focusing on was the deprivation.

I felt so bad for him. It was obvious that the retreat wasn't giving him what he expected it to.

As for me, I have my trip to NYC fully booked. I found a good deal on airfare and pulled the trigger.

H has told me time and again that I can use his miles, but I just paid for the ticket. After my rant about him relying on me, I just couldn't turn around and ask to use his miles. He's going to chastise me for that, so I need to have an explanation about why I did that ... something along the lines of learning to take care of myself. I'll have to give it some thought.

Lastly, I had an OMG moment today. I realized that when I have my meltdowns, when I lash out at h, when I over-stir the pot, it is always after a holiday, or more often, after a special occasion ... at least one that used to be special ... and more importantly, when I feel like he doesn't put the same importance on it that I do.

I came down on him after my birthday, New Year's, our anniversary, and the latest ... Valentine's Day.

It was an eye-opener for me and I'm so glad I realized what was going on with me. If I realize what the problem is, I'm half way (maybe more) on my way to fixing it!

It feels so good when you find the answer to, "Why do I do this? This isn't helping!"

My growth continues!

[Wonka]

Hiya!

Lastly, I had an OMG moment today. I realized that when I have my meltdowns, when I lash out at h, when I over-stir the pot, it is always after a holiday, or more often, after a special occasion ... at least one that used to be special ... and more importantly, when I feel like he doesn't put the same importance on it that I do.

I came down on him after my birthday, New Year's, our anniversary, and the latest ... Valentine's Day.

You might want to be on the look out for the impish leprechaun on the 17th! Maybe try to put a Shamrock duct tape over the mouth?