Still NC - Trying to move forward

[TimR]

I get what you are saying Thornton. In my M I have owned the things that hurt us but W never has. One specific event where I had a surprise birthday for her, I had to 'misplace' her keys and she flipped out on me. Then to get her up to the surprise party I had to eventually tell her about it bc she literally left the house and started walking up the road. She screamed at me the entire way there. When we got there and friends told her of how much work I put into to it she apologized to them and said how silly she acted BUT she never apologized to me.

I think we both have issues with being the 'nice guy' too much, where our Ws can just dump their troubles. In moving forward we need to figure out how to move out of that role.

[Thornton]

Hey Tim,

I agree. I definately bent over backwards for W. When she wouldn't reciprocate when I needed her, I would get resentful.

[NYGal]

I just posted this on Mia's thread. This is why I try to stay optimistic. Granted,it keeps me from moving forward with my life completely. But miracles do happen:
I have friends who got back together after one had a 1.5 years long affair. They are doing well. Another couple are back together after one moved out with no warning to another state! That took over a year I believe. It's possible.

And I forgot to mention another couple I know. He loved her completely and worshiped the ground she walked on. She was kind of a biatch to him, didn't appreciate him at all. They separated, at her request. He found a cute apartment, started dating, and moved on with his interesting life. She missed him, couldn't believe he was doing so well. They are back together and happy.

[Thornton]

That's good stuff, NY.

Just goes to show, you never know.

[Imlucky]

Hi Thornton

Try reading ...

The problem is trying to fix their problems means we end up shouldering more and dragging ourselves down

And you can chalk up owning my stuff I've been counselling and journaling I apologised for my mistakes never got one back or acknowledgement of what hurt me

Stick with it I'm 3 months no contact I feel like it's over sometimes I get upset at what was lost but I back my self as being a great bloke with plenty to offer. I got lost in all the crap am copped a lot of blame. She never came to one counselling session and refused to accept any burden of faults.


I follow what you write your positive and give help and support
Keep at it mate

Brad

[Thornton]

Thanks Imlucky.

I've been thinking back to a lot of our disagreements and I don't recall many times she would apologize.

She didn't even apologize when she admitted to me she had been drinking for the year we were piecing. I called her out on it and she gave me an insincere apology in passing.

[Ojap]

Not sure if your W is like mine...but I constantly get the 'I'm always the one who isn't measuring up to your expectations', and the whole 'I am always the one 'giving in'

However...I too can remember very few times where she was ever 'in the wrong' and I got a true apology...on anything meaningful.

Makes me suspect that their is some sort of martyr or victim complex. Maybe their self-esteem is so low, that they can't sell-evaluate enough to properly understand their role in the relationship struggles?

[otw]

Pajo
that is not it. They are telling themselves the things they need to believe to justify themselves.

My w would tell me the things that drove her to the point of BD. I would listen and i think she would also realize it isn't enough end a marriage. so the next thing would be that she doesn't think she is right for me and can't make me happy.

anything that makes them feel ok with what they are doing

[Ojap]

I can see that otw...makes sense. The whole WW, or WAW thing brings them to a 'selfish' place where they can justify any/all their decisions.

Thornton....just wanted to say. To have your situation so 'fresh'...you sure are showing a lot of maturity and generosity by weighing in so thoughtfully on other's sitchs (including mine). So...thanks for that! Prayers for you, man!

[Sparkls]

Pajo
that is not it. They are telling themselves the things they need to believe to justify themselves.

My w would tell me the things that drove her to the point of BD. I would listen and i think she would also realize it isn't enough end a marriage. so the next thing would be that she doesn't think she is right for me and can't make me happy.

anything that makes them feel ok with what they are doing

I really think its mostly this. Very few things are so bad that if they are brought up as problems and addressed they can't be overcome.
From my relationship: When he expressed an opinion, I would explain his opinion to him and try to prove his opinion wrong. He would do the same to me. It annoyed both of us when we tried to prove each other wrong. I would pick on him for wearing these silly jeans. He never took it personally but now, I "gave him endless sh*t for them." They warp the fights to fit what they're feeling. We do the same. Maybe he did take the jeans personally and just never told me.
At the end of the day, all he had to do was tell me it bothered him and we could've addressed it and I would've tried to not do it.

But they didn't. They let it get this bad. Yes, we didn't see the signs. Both sides are to blame but I would argue they are slightly moreso because they knew what was broken and didn't try to fix it, we just didn't see the cracks.