What the heck is this?

[2Times2Many]

Thank you, mleigh4. Tweaking seems to be the right word, doesn't it? Find the place that's right for us and go with the flow when necessary. I'm still smiling about "I'm free!" This may out of date, but you go girl!

On the home front, H called into the office today and I felt so sorry for him. He's on a retreat and I know he was hoping it would help him find some clarity, but I think it's turned out to be a cheeseless tunnel for him.

In addition to cleansing the mind, they apparently focus on cleansing the body. They don't allow smoking (h smokes, although he is trying to quit) or alcohol. They also don't serve anything caffeinated, like tea or coffee. H is a coffee fiend. He can't function in the mornings without his dose of caffeine. They are extremely vegetarian ... not even eggs or milk (and h is big milk drinker). H sounded absolutely miserable and just kept saying, "One more day!"

I empathized and it was easy to do. I know this is not at all what he expected. He was looking for something that would help him "figure himself out" but I don't know that he is gaining any perspective at all. It seemed like all he was focusing on was the deprivation.

I felt so bad for him. It was obvious that the retreat wasn't giving him what he expected it to.

As for me, I have my trip to NYC fully booked. I found a good deal on airfare and pulled the trigger.

H has told me time and again that I can use his miles, but I just paid for the ticket. After my rant about him relying on me, I just couldn't turn around and ask to use his miles. He's going to chastise me for that, so I need to have an explanation about why I did that ... something along the lines of learning to take care of myself. I'll have to give it some thought.

Lastly, I had an OMG moment today. I realized that when I have my meltdowns, when I lash out at h, when I over-stir the pot, it is always after a holiday, or more often, after a special occasion ... at least one that used to be special ... and more importantly, when I feel like he doesn't put the same importance on it that I do.

I came down on him after my birthday, New Year's, our anniversary, and the latest ... Valentine's Day.

It was an eye-opener for me and I'm so glad I realized what was going on with me. If I realize what the problem is, I'm half way (maybe more) on my way to fixing it!

It feels so good when you find the answer to, "Why do I do this? This isn't helping!"

My growth continues!