I also understand. But Thorton hit it on the head. If this was a recipe to make things work. There almost surely would be hundreds of these sites and prob minimal divorces.
The feeling you said about hope being your only and thing and without it you have nothing. We have all been there. Or still there
The problem is that is highly visible to others even though you try to fake it. Very little quick reach out or asking about R. It makes things clear. That is what I take from this site. It is to get those feelings of having nothing replaced with what you really have. A life. Yourself and a future.
You can write your future however you want. But focusing all our thoughts on one other person and typically these thoughts turn out negative because we are just thinking about what we want from them and how bad it is now that those are the prevalent thoughts we send out to the world.
I struggle with this also. I am living my life and fairly happy with what I am doing. But she is on my mind all day everyday still. I need to turn the thoughts I have about her from a wanting to positive future thoughts. If she is going to occupy space in my brain still then it needs to be awesome. I really fight off the pity I think about when I look back and think about the situation. But. If it ends up being over forever I know I will somehow move on. I don't the answer how yet but I know I will.
I was blessed with a lot in life. I remember back before we were together and she was all I wanted. She was eventually delivered. I pictures how happy her and I would be together before there was even a chance. Then she appeared.
That is the difference in my thoughts now
I need to get back there.
But as time goes I am happy with myself and enjoying my time.
This site if we follow it will help us get ourselves back and that may bring the spouse back.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
otw, I literally had that same experience of picturing us together before it happened. I had a mild crush on her for 12 years before we really met. When we did, it was instant attraction, deep conversation, then quickly falling in love. And we had a darn good life for 9 years, great most of those.
I'm trying to stay positive today. My mantra for the day: We are not done. We will be together. I will get to go home.
I wish that for all of us. Let's send out good positive thoughts for all of us on here.
xo
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
"It's only the hope that she will come back to me that keeps me going. When I lose that I feel I have nothing."
It may not feel like it just now - and I do remember feeling that way too. However, do remember that our happiness is around 80% dependent solely on us - and maybe 20% on someone else. Whatever the outcome of your sitch, I hope you will come to see that there is a happy and fulfilling life to be lived however things unfold.
Can I ask - have you read Codependent no more? The book popped into my head when I read this statement above and your last post too.....may be an area worth examining perhaps?
Take care and hope you have the best week possible
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I started to read Codependent No More but then it expired from my library download and I can't renew it! I could buy it i suppose...
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Well, it mightn't be a bad idea IMHO - some of your statements above are saturated in codependency....I have no life without her...etc...I do think it's something to explore.
If she chooses to stay with grotty OW for some time - then dang - that's up to her and of course you have a life to live without her. I do think we all need to get ourselves to the point of knowing that. I certainly have, but it does take time and effort, and many frustrations and disappointments along the way...but it is great to know there is a good life to be lived - regardless - of what our WAS's may be up to. That's up to them. Living our lives as they have become is up to us.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto is on it...I will also say that Vapo 'went to town' on detaching in a comment yesterday. I believe it's on Thornton's thread. You should check it out!!
Really good....motivational GAL stuff!
Ojap M 13 T 15 D 11 D 11 D 9 BD #1: ILYBNILWY 09/2015 BD #2: W asks for S 12/2015 ---------- Currently: Limbo
Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to detach if I didn't post on here. But then I realize that I need to hear the advice over and over again to feel better. W last emailed me Sunday night about a spam email she received -- she asked if it was spam and if she has an Amazon account... she does not. I sometimes feel she's temp checking me with these emails. Keeping me close for when the A ends. But then when I don't hear from her I know I just have to move forward. Not on, forward. It's just so hard and I think only time will help it.
I know I'm codependent. I'm working on it.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Definitely don't apologize. We all suffer from some measure of codependency otherwise we wouldn't be on this forum.
I'm the same way....my day can still hinge on how W interacts with me...or doesn't. All it takes is one small action and anxiety kicks in like a mother.
From everything I'm reading...you are working HARD to improve yourself. You are on your own journey...continue it knowing you'll be OKAY in the end.
What's that saying from the 'Exotic Marigold Hotel'??
"It will all be okay in the end. And if it's not okay, then it's not the end."
Ojap M 13 T 15 D 11 D 11 D 9 BD #1: ILYBNILWY 09/2015 BD #2: W asks for S 12/2015 ---------- Currently: Limbo
It's not the end yet, because I definitely don't feel OK. I get so anxious when I don't hear from her for more than a day. And I haven't heard from her since Sunday. I'm just confessing what's true. I know I shouldn't obsess. It's just that she leaves tomorrow for a trip that I would normally take with her, and I'm sad that all this is happening and I'll not get to go to this event anymore. It was a big part of our life together, and of her life for the past 40 years... These days, it seems that whenever I sort of cut her off, she goes away. Before it would bring her closer. I'm just so damn miserable right now. Yesterday I was optimistic or at least more hopeful and I need to go back to my mantra: we are not done, we will be together, I WILL get to go home. I'm still trying to DB, folks, and I'm not ready to give up hope. I need reassurance, please. (Sorry, but I need it over and over or I lose it.)
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
