Too Much Time Is Passing By

[TimR]

I don't know that there is a rational for it. WS seem to not act rationally. Maybe he was uncomfortable with feeling like the bad guy so he wanted you to feel bad for him.

I think you are exactly right. Do not jump on breadcrumbs. As far as your questioning what shade of dark do you do... I am wrestling with the same question. I am going to go with what the book says where it talks about experimenting with techniques. Just make sure to experiment long enough to get a true response.

My thoughts and prayers are with you Hope!

[HopeRB]

Thanks Tim and broke for your support and encouragement. I've put all of you in my prayers as well.

And I agree with you broke, its so hard not to keep replaying what you could have done differently. Like even him commenting on my weight loss was not a good thing b/c he asked me if I'm eating. And when he was hugging me when he left, he said again, "You're small," or something like that. I mean a person looses/gains a lot of weight when they're in trauma. So I don't know if I took that as a good thing. A lot of ppl have been commenting on my weight loss so I just hope I didn't appear sickly..which I don't think I am at all. Either way, he must be doing just fine as he's seems to have gained a few pounds himself.

I need to go back to that part of the book tonight and continue studying on my Dbing. I want this stuff to be second nature to me for the next time. During our false R, he had seen my changes and he still kept walking. Makes me wonder if my changes affect him anyway at all.

[broke]

Hope,

I have been reading a lot of threads here. I think the overwhelming theme is we really can't "fake" detaching. We actually have to be okay with our M not working out. That seems to be the point where the WAS finally wakes up (if they are ever going to come to their senses). I am definitely not there yet. But, I am trying very hard to move from having hope to acceptance. I know it is a roller coaster and I have a very long way to go. But, I am trying, really trying to focus on me. I think you did well yesterday and I think it is a great idea to reread the parts of the book that you need to "study". Being prepared definitely makes a huge difference!

[HopeRB]

I know I can't fake detaching. And I think I've been doing a good job at but need to practice more. I am just so hard on myself when I know I could have done better. I guess I shouldn't have said I never gave up on our M. But, inside part of the reason I can feel good sometimes is when I remember I will be ok without him and our M. I read this on another thread and have seen it even before that but have really been thinking about it lately:

"There is a difference between moving on and moving forward." I've been sitting with that one for a few days now and realizing I can move forward (b/c I have to) without moving on from my H or M...at least until I feel I'm able actually release hope and move on completely to another person. I'm moving on from the old M. I would like a new M with my H but I am also moving forward. Am I even making sense? I don't know anymore lol. But I am also working on myself. But whats also frustrating is that H seems to be doing all of the same things I'm doing but we just aren't doing them together.

[Vanilla]

Hope

You are in charge of your destiny ok?

Whilst WH is suggesting he will look after you etc. These are just words, you need to decide what is best for you.

I would dearly love you to put you in the driving seat of your own life.

V

[HopeRB]

V, I knew you would say something like that. Of course I know these are just words. He's been saying those things for 7 months now. I am not waiting on him to do anything. And when he was telling me what he thinks I should do, I just let him talk and validated him, but also told him some truths about the situation that he fails to see and is avoiding. I am totally in control but it is very hard to get back on your feet with an already messed up financial situation to start with.

[kiwiGAL]

hi Hope,

I have been DB-ing for a while, or at least i think i have been doing my version of DB-ing. I don't think you can fake detachment, but from my experience, I have been able to fake being light/breezy/bright and content. It doesn't always work, and sometime the overwhelming crazy of the situation swamps me still, but just recently i think that faking it has helped me make it to real detachment. Not faking the detachment itself, but faking the attributes that have helped me stay in control to reach a state of true detachment - albeit over 2 years in Staying dark helped me to reach detachment, and faking it till i made it in terms of beign happy/bright/optimistic helped too.

I had previously thought i had reached true detachment - but due to the rather complete walk away nature of me XH, hadn't had exposure to him to know for sure. I can safely say i needed some very uncomfortable exposure to Xh to move to true detachment.

I could actually be around Xh now and be bright/breezy/friendly but not his friend - and would not need to fake it - it would just be who i am.

You sound amazing, thoughtful, perceptive and wise - you are not the problem - and you are much more masterful at boundaries than i have been. Go for it Hope

[HopeRB]

Thank you for such kind words kiwi. I think I'm through trying to fake it. I really want to be ok regardless of what happens and I just have to go through it instead of skating around. It's the worst as you and everyone else knows here. But you have a good point, faking the attributes of detachment is helping us to get to the actual detachment. In addition to GALing.

I actually dont think I have any cement boundaries in place with H b/c we don't have kids and haven't been having a lot of interaction so I haven't had the opportunity to even set boundaries for myself/him. The thought has always been on my mind though, just wondering what that looks like in my particular sitch.

[HopeRB]

Btw, tonight after church small group was rough. Cried all the way home on the train and then pulled it together. My friends were with me and surrounding me on both sides but they actually were part of the reason I was crying b/c they just got married, get along so well and seem to be off to a good start. I know them b/c of of H. And I was also wishing that H would come back to church and come to these small groups with me. But like I said, I'm feeling much better now. Just trying to get the energy to go to bed.

Ha, who knew it would take energy to go to bed? Just trying to look forward to the next day and finding a new way of dealing with it all yet again.

[HopeRB]

Journaling, this has been on my mind ever since I started this current thread:

I feel like my title for this thread is the opposite of the energy I want to put out into the universe. I want to remain optimistic and open. I think it should be, "So Much Time Is Passing By" b/c it's really not up to me to say how much time is too little or too late. Everything happens in the timing it's supposed to a.k.a God's timing, and all I should be doing is seeking to understand the lessons I'm supposed to be learning through all of this.

Of course, that doesn't take away the hurt, the pain, the sorrow and the feelings of despair. I just felt the need to bring this out from within me b/c I want to continue to be patient and trust the process and have faith that something good will come from all of this.

Ok, that was my self-motivation for the hour. Lets see where I'll be in the next few hours, might have to refer back to that...darn these pesky conflicting emotions!