Still moving in a new direction

[job]

If you didn't respond back last evening, then I would sit on it for a while. I find it quite interesting that he was a bit spoiled considering how his mother is acting.

If he says something again, say "h, I'm sorry that things were difficult for you growing up" and leave it at that. As for your son and him growing up to be better than h, you could always say something like "h, we both want to see son grow up and be successful and learn how to be responsible and accountable for his actions. However, it would also be nice if he were able to have a well rounded life which includes fun as a child/teenager too."

Of course, these are just suggestions and you can reword them to suit the situation.

[mleigh4]

Thank you Job, I like what you said and will definitely use that.

I did not respond last night, but the spew started up again this morning. I once again stood my ground about his mother. I got some real good mom bashing thrown back at me though. The fact that he can be so angry in text, but so nice to my face is........disturbing?

I got stabs such as, S needs to be told what to do as far as haircuts, changing into jammies at night, and taking baths instead of showers. Those things should not be his choice. Its no wonder he acts the way he does because I don't make him do anything. I am raising him to be a lazy hippie who thinks no one should do anything they don't want to. That I am raising him to avoid anything that upsets him. That because I don't make him take a shower, he will panic in junior high when he goes into the gym. I see no value at all in having structure and responsibilities. He attacked my family, which ok, I did his too. That I will have a lazy hippie with long hair who never moves out, sleeps in his clothes and plays video games.

Sigh...... It is all such rubberish, but kind of funny too, no? Sounds like a lot of projection to me?

Again, I took no stabs back, and boy could I make some, right? But no, I am not that person anymore. This is the new Michele. I finally suggested we get some professional help, to teach us to come together on our parenting. He replied, anything to keep me from raising him the way I am. I left it at, we both come from very unhealthy dysfunctional families, that I got help with my anger and emotional issue, and I hope he does too. He replied, this is about S future, not personal issues.

Lol -- um ok. His personal issues are way more affecting our son than my not forcing him to shower over bathe. Which, by the way, S only does at my house.

So, there we have it. Thank goodness I have my spew jacket, thanks to Cali. I will lay low, but am going to look up some family counselors. Lets see if he follows through on that!

[job]

Gosh, sounds like projection and mommy dearest has been on the war path and your h is taking it out on you.

What's wrong w/taking showers? If your son prefers to shower, then there isn't a problem. Does your h take showers? If so, what's the big deal here? As far as your h is concerned...he doesn't know what you are doing w/your son in your own home. I'm sorry, but I would have had to give him one of Cali's smoothies and say STFU. LOL!

Mleigh, don't listen to him. He's angry because mommy dearest is on his @ss about your son. If mommy dearest was happy, he would be too. So, tell me how showers, changing into jammies or the length of his hair have anything to do w/his future? I would think your h would be more concerned about your son's grades and studies and his interactions w/his peers. People in today's society are wearing man buns, long hair, body piercings and tattoos to work and it's not affecting their level of production. The next time he rants, have him explain to you how his type of bathing and the length of his hair have anything to do w/his studies and grades. I would love to hear his answer.

I think it would be a wonderful idea if you could get him into a parenting class w/you...but leave mommy dearest in the closet. She's back in the 30's and 40's and not w/the latest generation and what or how they operate. Also, she needs to learn what boundaries are and also learn to respect your decisions about your son.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal w/this...but it really took on a life of it's own when you told her not to cut your son's hair again.

Stand your ground. If you don't, mommy dearest and h will have him so that he won't learn how to make his own decisions and be happy w/them. The next time he rants, advise him that you will not discuss anything more about your son's bathing habits, dressing for bed or the length of his hair until the both of you are attending a parenting class or seeing a counselor on how to co-parent successfully.

Gosh, it's not my situation, but I could definitely throttle your h and mommy dearest and take great pleasure in doing so.

[job]

Have you given any thought that your h might resent your son? He sees you as a loving mother who will fight for her son and the relationship that you and your son have isn't what your h had w/his mother. Most parents don't raise such issues about their children. It's more about what they refuse to eat or going to bed. I can't help but wonder if there is more to his projection than meets the eye. Maybe he heard this stuff from his own mother growing up.

Just my two cents.

[mleigh4]

sorry Job. I wasn't clear. S will only take a bath. He does not like showers. He doesn't like the water running down his face.

Actually, I did call H on it. I asked him to please explain so I understand what it is hurting by not making S wear jammies and not forcing him to shower over bathe? Is it life altering? He can't be himself? He should be who you want him to be? He can't be accepted for who he is?

He replied, "are you serious right now? So we should raise him to be a lazy hippie that doesn't think he should do something he doesn't want to? As a kid, we have to guide them because they will usually choose the wrong thing if they are let to make their own decisions."

Pretty controlling thought process there, huh? I believe that is how they learn??? Well, That was his answer. I do guide and encourage my son, but these are such small petty things to me. I pick my battles.

If he starts up again tonight, I am not going to respond. Just like you said Job, I am no longer discussing this until we have a counselor present.

So much for things going well. MIL has no idea the beast she stirs up.

[mleigh4]

Hi Job, just saw your second post. Yes, I have thought of that as well. H has shown jealous behavior of S since he was born. He always made faces, when someone would say S is just like me. Really makes a woman feel good, no? Not so good for S either.

[job]

I disagree that mommy dearest doesn't have any idea the beast she stirs up. She knows exactly what buttons to push w/her son to get him to project and jump on you. She is a controlling woman who now knows that you are strong enough to set boundaries and will not allow her to control your son.

If your son enjoys a tub bath, let him. My nephew enjoyed tub baths until he was 11 or 12 and now takes nothing but showers. He grew up and switched to showers on his own. As for jammies, some kids don't wear them and others do. It's a personal preference. These a minor decisions and again, your h needs to be more concerned about how your son is doing in school, not his bathing habits or jammies.

Again, he's on a roll and he's like a dog w/a bone, i.e., he's not going to let it go...but you can stop it by saying "h, I'm not discussing this any further. We will raise these issues in a co-parenting class or w/a counselor".

I still think his mother is behind this latest ranting. She's trying to rein you in so that she can dictate to you just how your son should behave. She's not a happy camper. If she could only see what she's done w/her own children and where they are today...that would give her pause for thought.

Please do not allow these projections to get you down. You are a great mother and you will do anything to protect your son.

[kml]

Bath or shower, who the heck cares, he's 8! Just getting him to bathe regularly is a win!

Does your H see you as a lazy hippie? My ex once famously accused me of "walking too heavy", and worse yet, of teaching our daughter to walk too heavy! And yes, I checked - nobody else thought that I walked too heavy. Plus, let's face it - if I DID have an unusually plodding gait, and my daughter did too, wouldn't you think it was genetic??? Instead, my paranoid ex had it in his head that somehow I was teaching our daughter how to do this!

It IS interesting that your H says he doesn't want S to grow up like him. I like your idea of volunteering to attend parenting classes with him. Be careful that you don't get stuck just REacting against him, and being even more lenient with S than you normally would be because of it.....just use your good judgment.

My ex was the one that spoiled our youngest when he was growing up - then threw him under the bus when he had to leave college due to a very serious bout of depression. I'm sure he sees me as enabling for supporting this son, while actually I've just been trying to keep him alive through this.

[HaWho]

Ahh, sage responsibility parenting pearls from the adult MLCer who runs and hides from his problems!! MLCers have no self awareness, truly.

Also, seems your h's big fear is raising a lazy hippie. And what was driving force of the hippie movement? They were anti-establishment. They rebelled and said I will not wear x haircut and do y bathing routine, etc. The irony!!

I can joke, but those are actually big, important issues to tackle: respecting one's individuality and allowing one to be who he wants to be. What happens when you force someone to be who you think he should be?

[HaWho]

By the way, VERY interesting that he can do this hiding behind his computer. Wonder if you asked to discuss this in person if a little boy would emerge? Or maybe a rebellious teen?

My h too is quite bold when behind a screen but when I have had to set boundaries in person he can't even look me in the eye and he's quiet as a church mouse in a corner.