Letting go, finally

[JGuy]

My pointing out your repetitive use of the word integrity came across ( to me ) as someone trying to convince themselves more than anyone else If you feel you acted with integrity then that's what matters. I wouldn't agree and feel that while your in this sitch , integrity would be working on yourself while standing for your M and not getting into an other R that may hamper this I truly don't feel that you not letting the R with OW progress romantically is acting with integrity but to me it's just acting normally and maybe that's where we differ

If you read through your posts from day 1 there is lot of grand statements regarding yourself and while I don't think this is completely wrong it does make me feel your lacking in some self worth ( as am I re insecurities in Rs ) and this I feel makes you look for validation where others might not need it

Yes. I fully recognize that my need for external validation is a sign that there's a part of me that still needs to grow up. I very much do need to convince myself that I'm capable of living by integrity, thinking for myself, and learning from my own mistakes. I realized some things last week about what triggers me and I have come to think that this need for validation is very healthy and necessary. I'll tell you why I think so.

It's pretty normal for kids to need external validation, right? They rely on encouragement and validation from their parents to feel confident and good about themselves and keep going when they get feedback that they are doing the right thing. One success at a time, they build confidence and self esteem, and they learn that making mistakes is a necessary and perfectly good part of this process. My father was a narcissistic perfectionist who didn't validate me in the ways that I needed and so part of me is still back there, struggling to find a sense of self worth, struggling to believe that I am capable of having integrity and doing the right thing. It is not my fault that I'm dealing with that, but here I am. More than anything right now I need gentle encouragement, help to strengthen the good, mature parts of me. I need the parenting I never got, to believe that I am good and capable of integrity and that it's OK to make mistakes, etc.

I think what happens here is that I get triggered big time when you or someone tells me that I'm doing things wrong, that I'm lost, that I'm incapable of seeing myself clearly, not listening to advice, etc. because it undermines the already weak self confidence that I am trying to build, as a platform I can stand on to feel capable of working on myself and making good decisions. You seem to think that I am stubbornly holding onto some unhealthy pride and ego that needs to be kicked down, so you are taking a tough approach with me. Your intentions may be good, but I suspect that you may misunderstand what's going on inside of me. When I get kicked down and feel incapable, I get depressed, unmotivated, just like I did with my father's approach. This sets me back and kills my motivation. I recognize that isn't helping me and that first and foremost, I need build a strong platform of feeling capable that I can stand on. That is why I am pushing back against your style of giving advice, Rd. There are many other folks here with whom I am not triggered in this way. I don't mean this to sound like I'm blaming you and that it's you who has to change. I'm in no position to judge whether it's right or wrong to have the communication style that you do. I am just hoping to clarify why it affects me the way it does.

The irony is that by standing up for myself and explaining this to you folks right now, I am being the protective parent to myself that I always needed. It is hard because I feel like I have to do it totally alone and nobody may understand. I may be judged and many people reading my posts may think that I'm way off base. Of course, I wish that people would understand this about me and validate that I'm on the right track here, but it seems like some things I'm just destined to have to struggle through alone.

Of course, I will always make mistakes, and it makes sense that I need to develop a sense of self worth that isn't dependent on never making mistakes. The "I told you so but you didn't listen" comments that I sometimes get here also trigger me because it sends the message that I am not capable of thinking for myself and I shouldn't trust myself to experiment on my own because I will inevitably make mistakes, which are bad and something to be ashamed of. Just like with my father, my reaction is to either fight back or withdraw and go it alone, denying my own need for external validation.

I want to eventually get to the point where I don't need external validation but it means healing all of this somehow. As unpleasant as it is, I thank you Rd for triggering me so that I can see these issues for what they are and try to work through them. I may not change overnight but I hope these explanations may help you make more sense of why I react to you the way I do.