Ojap's Story

[Ojap]

Thanks for the feedback Sandi....

It was an eventful weekend. I'm working hard to manage my expectations.

So...Thursday evening was the sex/big talk noted in earlier post. Friday was an easy day, where we chatted briefly during the evening, and ended up going to bed pretty early. Which leads us to our Saturday MC session.

Wife went first. She again noted all the positive changes I have made. Then went on to say that she really wasn't sure if she could keep be all in, because she is just 'hurt, tired, and has resentment'. Also...we spent some time discussing how she is helping a mutual friend fight cancer...been VERY difficult for her b/c of all the other emotional stuff we are wading through.

When I began to talk...I came to some pretty big revelations about myself and my role in the demise of our relationship to this point. I articulated them, and I'll do it briefly here.

2001: W and are I dating in undergrad. Committed to one another solely. She has a talk with me and tells me that another guy made a move on her, and that they kissed. She ended up having an anxiety attack, which prompted me to carry her to hospital. We pretty much never spoke of it again. (Maybe a quick, I'm sorry...it shouldn't have happened type thing)

2009: Married for 7 years. W is in grad school. I see a text exchange with her professor that I don't like...I wake her up in middle of night and confront her with it. We don't discuss it much after that...but it takes me a month or two before I'm 'over it'.

2014: Our current situation begins. I confront over text messages, she pulls away, etc. Multiple times over course of 18 months.

So...my realizations, based on some personal therapy I'm receiving, is that I NEVER fully addressed my trust issues with W, from way back in 2001!!! And...it set me on a course where I would try to keep an 'eye' on her or in her words 'control or manipulate' her. It was like a slow death. I didn't realize. I shared all this...W began to cry at my understanding. I saw her pain. It was liberating and painful at the same time.

Then...as our MC moved forward...I validated MANY different things over the past 4 weeks. She was receptive. I then spoke about my 2 triggers:

1: Cell Phone Secrecy. Her response was that her cell phone and her friendships at work were pretty much the only things in her life that our children or I didn't 'overlap'. That, and the fact that I have overreacted to so many text messages, etc. and she wants to avoid those type of controlling interactions. She gave an example and showed me a text from a co-worker that said 'You're amazing!" She said that I would have 'read into' that...but the truth was that she had went the extra mile for a patient of that particular co-worker and He was being appreciative.

2: Spending of money w/ out conversation: This was simple miscommunication. She contends that we had previously discussed this particular bill, and that it in know way was an effort to 'not talk' about spending money,etc.


-----------------Now...fast forward to Saturday afternoon. W asks to go to a few stores together. We cook for kids together. We watch basketball games together all afternoon.

-----------------Yesterday (Sunday) we take kids to lunch/shopping after church together. W admits that she wants to go to our church's Oyster Roast...but only b/c she would love Oysters (doesn't want to be around the people)...SO...I run by the store and pick a couple dozen up and come home fix them. When she sees what I've done...she hugs me. First unsolicited hug in months.


So....I don't know. I still freak out about the phone. I was in the bathroom...she had her phone charging...and a couple minutes later one of my girls comes to 'get the phone for mommy'. So...I have to work on my anxiety about that for sure. But otherwise...some very positive things. BUT...I guess I'm not supposed to believe them. Ugh....fun stuff.