She tells me how sorry she is that she is hurting me, how she knows it will hurt our girls. She is having a crisis of 'faith' (which has been integral in our lives...both since childhood...and that matters even more b/c I am currently an associate pastor). She 'prayed' for someone like me growing up...but now resents me and gets angry when she sees me b/c she feels like I was making her 'conform'...not just religiously...but in other areas of personality.
This is important. Were you an associate pastor or in the ministry at the time she married you?
If you were M before you entered into the ministry, she may feel she didn't "sign up" for what people expect from a preacher's wife. If you were in the ministry before getting married, then she may feel too much strain is on her. She could be rebelling and not wanting to conform to all that you or the congregation expects. Feeling as though she is forced to live in a certain way could trigger a rebellion.
Quote:
She spoke of not letting people in...how loving hurt too much...of how she is angry at me b/c she is having to take ant-depressants b/c 'what she feels is wrong'. How she could never live up to her a$$hole/alcoholic father's expectations, and now she is screwing 'us' up too...
To me, it sounds that she breaking under the pressure of never living up to expectations. She doesn't feel good enough for her father or you.
I think this possible A is a sign of rebellion, and seeing herself as not good enough for her father and now her H. She's angry about it b/c her father was an a$$hole/alcoholic who should not have put such high expectations on her, and she's angry at you for confining her in this glasshouse style of life for her to live.
Sometimes, people feel they have failed or aren't good enough to ever measure up. I think this is true where there is a lot of criticism. They will give up and decline morally/spiritually. If they can't be the model wife/daughter/Christian that is expected, then they will be the bad girl they were meant to be (at least in their mindset), where the expectations are very low and somehow takes pressure off of them.
Frankly, I see attending MC will do no good at this particular time. Her seeing a therapist for these deeper issues may be more helpful than seeing someone about the MR. Instead of the focus being on the M or you, a therapist could focus on just her issues, and get to the bottom of what's causing her depression. With all the drinking and medication, there seems to be something she's trying to block out.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
