Too Much Time Is Passing By

[HopeRB]

Thank you all for your support. You gave me the fuel I needed to get through.

1313, I'm sorry that the process is moving so quickly and I know it's hard bc i struggle with the idea that "not even a divorce can stop a reconciliation." Especially when we feel like our WAS are done and done. But keep DBing. Even when it's hard. That's what keeps me going b/c it's all I can do at this point.

So, I have one word to describe my interaction with H last night: interesting. It's kind of a long story so let me explain:

I left the gym feeling amazing not just b/c I was seeing him, but b/c my blood was pumping, my body was moving and I kept thinking to myself, "This guy is a fool to leave me. But ok, whatever." So in a nutshell, I was feeling very good about myself. That made me feel strong enough to deal with whatever he was going to say to me. I bought some fresh flowers and a few of his favorite snacks, and spruced the place up. I know, I'm a sucker but I hadn't seen him in so long. He came in and I was immediately cool, calm, and airy, greeted him with a smile. He stood back and looked at me and then hugged me. Commented on how much weight I had lost, etc. Then talked about how I need to move and our taxes and how he would help me find a place to live and help out where he could b/c he doesn't want me to feel abandoned. He also checked his mail, but didn't take any of it. He said he would come back for it (but he's said that before and never did). I tried not to react, show emotion, stay calm, shut my mouth and listen to what he had to say. In those moments, he could tell I was keeping my emotions down so he would say, "I know this is hard for you and not what you want," and he would get quiet himself and seem a bit sad. But then I would return to my airy, light, cool self. I know i messed up in these moments and I'm upset with myself for not staying stronger.

Either way, those moments happened a few times but I was able to snap out of it very quickly which at the time, I thought was ok. He stayed for a while, and it felt like old times: a few moments of laughter, talking about our jobs, friends, etc. I tried to act like i was moving on but then I asked him questions about his life so I know I messed up there. And he kept saying how he knows this is not what I want and knows this hard. He also said he feels he was doing something that he is incapable of doing (I assume he meant being married), and how the only thing that he's into doing is working and how he feels this is the right thing for him to be doing. He didn't bring up the D word but I can tell thats what he was talking about. But this is also where I messed up alot b/c though I just listened and validated, I would say my peace about how I feel and how I have never given up on us, and how I enjoy talking to him about things and how he is someone I want in my life. I said those things after he said that he wants to make sure I'm ok in life and that he's there for me for whatever I need and that I can always come to him for anything. Writing this, I just felt my heart sink b/c I guess he's coming to a peace with Ding me. I also keep feeling that maybe he's being amicable with me so that if it comes to that, he can say he was nice and trying to work with me or for me to make the D easier. He said he's here to help me transition into this next phase so that hurt.

I validated some more and told him thank you and I appreciate him being so honest with me. And that I know we have different opinions but I respect him and his opinions. He thanked me for interacting with him the way I was. And then we went back to "hanging out" and talking about random things. When he first came over, I told him I had to leave b/c I'm going to watch the Oscars someplace and so throughout the time he was there, he kept trying to leave, but didn't. And before he got there, I told myself, I'm giving him half an hour but I didn't so I was a bit annoyed with myself for that. Finally, when I felt my emotions getting out of sorts again, I abruptly told him, "Ok I gotta go and get ready now." And he agreed and quickly put on his coat to leave and told me to tell him what I thought about the show. We hugged for a long time and I walked him outside. This is always the hardest part so I abruptly said, "Ok, see you later!" and closed the door quickly while he was still standing there. I just couldn't do the long, sappy goodbye look b/c I can't stand seeing him walk away. It hurts way too much. I told him it was good to see him and I wish so much time didn't pass between our interactions and he said he's sorry and that will not happen again b/c he doesn't want me to feel abandoned. He kept saying that and it was frustrating b/c he DID abandon me and now he thinks I'm ok with it. I forgot to mention that when he first got there, he told me he cares for me very much and always will and that he never meant to hurt me the way he has.

Im trying not to hang on his every word b/c I know none of it means anything and I have no expectations. I just don't know what to make of it all. I'm so grateful that we got to interact but I know I messed up a lot. I should have acted "as-if" more. I should have not asked him about what he's been up to and told him what I've been up to. But I love talking to him. And he said he loves spending time with me. But I guess he means in a non-committal way. And I don't know when I'll see him and interact with again so feeling a bit sad again. And it just seems like he is ok with everything and at peace with D. But I know there's nothing I can do about that.