5 years ago I was guilty of hiding financial difficulties from my W. Since then we have gradually been growing apart, while living under the same roof. Separate bedrooms, cordial, but no meaningful conversations that don't pertain to my daughter.
On 1/24/16 I saw a text from my wife to her co-worker that she was interested in hooking up with him. I did not confront her about the OM, but went to her and said that life is too short and that I just want her to be happy. That's when she told me she wanted a D. I did not disagree or try to talk her out of it. I did not know it at the time, but she had been drinking while we had this conversation. Two weeks went by with no further talk of D. On 2/7/16 I asked if she could let me know when she could meet. She replied, "for what?" And I said to discuss the details of the D. She said ok. Since then, still no mention of meeting or the D. Neither of us has filed.
I believe she is still texting the OM. She has gone out and come home late a couple of times, but I don't question her about it. I'm currently reading DR and have read a lot of the threads here while awaiting my account activation. I want to keep my family together and will work to make things better. Trying to do 180 and Last Resort. I'm curious as to why she has not pushed the D issue yet? I don't want to force her hand, so I don't plan on brining it up myself.
Me 41. Her 38 1 child D7 T: 13 yrs M: 8 yrs BD: 1/24/16
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Since BD, I've been being more attentive to chores and minor repairs that needed to be done around the house. Since WW still cooks dinner for me, I take care of the dishes. I realize that doing chores and repairs aren't gonna help lead to reconciliation, but should I pull back from doing these things?
I know that if I hope to have any chance at saving this MR, I have to become the man she fell in love with. I need to restablish my confidence, physicality, and leadership traits. Hope this gets me on track. Thanks.
Welcome to the community. I have some questions, just to help give us a clearer picture. So, did your W discover the truth about the financial situation? What ultimately led to sleeping in separate bedrooms and the declining MR? Had either of you made any effort to talk about the relationship, before you discovered she'd been texting OM?
Did you accidentally discover the texts or were you looking for something particular on her phone? Has there ever been any type of affair from either of you?
What were your expectations when you told her you just wanted her to be happy? Surely there was more said. Did she seem angry when she said she wanted a divorce?
You want to save the M now. What changed your mind?
Be sure to read those links Cadet sent you. They have important information you need.
Hope you post often.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you. I've gained so much insight from reading your posts.
To clarify:
My WW eventually discovered the truth about our financial situation. The finances eventually got better when I got a new job. Because I'm always looking for better financial opportunities, I left my most recent job in October after 4 years. My WW feels that I job hop too much.
When my daughter was born, she slept in between us on our bed. As my work schedule changed, I moved to the couch because my alarm went off 2 hours earlier than WW. When we moved to a bigger place 2 years ago, WW and daughter took one bedroom and I took another. WW's idea.
Sadly, we made no efforts to talk about our problems before I found out about OM. We had no previous affairs in our relationship that I know of. I searched her phone and found the texts because I noticed that she was on her phone more than usual. I'm not proud of snooping, but I couldn't help myself. That same night I approached her about just wanting her to be happy. I'm sure I caught her off guard. I had no plan and was acting calmly, but impulsively, if that makes sense. She said that she didn't want our daughter to come from a broken home, but that she couldn't live like this anymore. She also said she wasn't sure if she could financially handle living in our house by herself. Than she left to go be with our daughter.
I've always truly wanted to save the marriage, but I've been building a wall in case it doesn't happen. I'm trying to be strong for the toughest fight of my life. I'm gonna fight until the end.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I would tell any H to not permit a child to start sleeping between him and his W. It builds a wall between H and W, and it develops into a terrible habit for the child. Even if the child slept on the other side of the W, it would not be a good situation for the MR. I feel that many women do it intentionally to keep the man from initiating sex. She has a built-in excuse of the child always being in the bed and she might wake up.
Quote:
Sadly, we made no efforts to talk about our problems before I found out about OM. We had no previous affairs in our relationship that I know of. I searched her phone and found the texts because I noticed that she was on her phone more than usual. I'm not proud of snooping, but I couldn't help myself. That same night I approached her about just wanting her to be happy. I'm sure I caught her off guard. I had no plan and was acting calmly, but impulsively, if that makes sense. She said that she didn't want our daughter to come from a broken home, but that she couldn't live like this anymore. She also said she wasn't sure if she could financially handle living in our house by herself. Than she left to go be with our daughter.
You need to decide how you will respond if she wants to continue living under the same roof, but not giving up her OM. Would this be a deal breaker for you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
