I have a 45 minute drive to work and it gives me a lot of time to think. I often wonder if there was anything at all I could have done to save my relationship. Even if I was perfect, I honestly don't know if W would have stayed.
I look at her history from an outsiders point of view and try to think objectively. She has had over 30 jobs. Moved to different states multiple times. Had lots of 1-2 year relationships. An issue with alcohol. Never been engaged. Has dated abusive men. Has an unhealthy codependent relationship with her mother. She also seems to run anytime things start to get serious.
Am I calling her a bad person? No. But I'm wondering if she's just not capable of having a healthy sustained long term relationship. I also wonder if I am being naive by hoping we could one day work things out.
W is a very loving person and a good mother. But she also has a dark side to her. She can be irritable. She stresses very easily. And when she's angry, she can quickly escalate.
Please understand, I am not saying that I have no faults. I do, lots of them. But I was ALWAYS willing to compromise, apologize when I was wrong, put the work in to make things better, and try to change.
I'm starting to honestly think that once W moves all of her stuff out of our new house, that I will never hear from her again. And that breaks my heart. It also breaks my heart for her D8. She became my daughter. And I loved spending time with her and teaching her things.
I get the similar feeling, that holding on to R is prolonging the death of it. And it is hard. Maybe we are wrong, who knows. I won't remind you to think of yourself because we hear it all the time and we do, our mind and hearts still want what we had to a point.
I will say that you have the tools you need to get to where you need to be and you will get there buddy!
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Hey Thornton, you've mentioned this 45 minutes 'thinking' time a couple of times now. Would it be a idea to get an audiobook to listen to on the way? Preferably a calming self help one that diverts your attention from your sitch and keeps it on you? So, you arrive calm and energised for work?? Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thorn, figured it was safer to come here and clarify what is going on in XF's life right now. He best friend, is currently under the knife having surgery. Double lung transplant as we speak...
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Yes, I have an audio book I listen to but sometimes my mind still wanders.
Up - Now that's heavy. This is life altering for W considering what could happen. Be there for her if she reaches out for support but don't try to fix anything for her. This might be a really good time to validate her fears and worries about BF.
I am sure that is adding to XF's confusion and unsettledness. I felt you and sotto would better understand knowing what is happening right now but didn't want to do it on my thread. Sorry for the hijack buddy.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
ARe you a "fixer"? I have done alot of soul searching and talking with my counselor and she has said I like to rescue "wounded ducks" if you will. My STWX always was the one being dumped in relationships...never got married until very late in life relatively speaking (to me) and has had issues and issues with other people throughout her life. I gravitate towards things that are not easy....
We all have things wrong with us. I am by far from perfect and own what happened in my relationship but she won't.
you sound very similar in that you love(d) your W with all her faults and she loved you with allof yours....that is the way it works. The hard part is working together thru all those....sounds like to me you had a full deck to start with and maybe she will never be able to sustain a relationship unless she figures out her deamons.....seems like you have and your on a good path forward.
You have to be happy with yourself before others can add to that happiness. Fact...
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
I think you are right about my W. She has not been one to ever seek help for herself. It's almost like she lives in denial that anything is wrong with her. But, she will occasionally say she is worried she will end up like her mother (who is not healthy at all - I suspect a Borderline Personality Disorder).
My W almost never apologizes when she is wrong. She will defend herself until the end and until the problem goes away on it's own.
I've seen her have HUGE blow ups with her family members. Then she gets really sad and compromises her view point with them and reconciles the relationship. But with me, she would defend herself to the end.
