Anyway, I have not been doing great with divorce busting. I have upcoming talk with coach and I am embarassed to admit I did a lot the stuff I am not supposed to. What I have been doing good in is controlling what I say. I keep all of my thoughts to myself. I do not share the nasty little comments that pop into my head anymore. This is my biggest 180. I also do not call him for reassurances frequently. Iit did happen though regarding reconciling.
I am going to review some helpful things she told me in past.
Regarding communication:
Listen more then talk... I have been doing this Soft starts...("in my opinion" " from my perspective" When he hurts you say "you know I don't even know what to say" Don't assume. Ask for clarification Tone End conversation with positive End conversation when you sense bad tone
Documented chart of situation, old response, and new response and his reaction...this was very helpful and enabled me to learn to keep my mouth shut and decrease fights.
Regarding pursuing:
*Pursuing creates distance. Do not ask if he loves you. *I am seeking reassurance because fear is controlling me. Fear will drain you. Do not feed it. *act as if. Stop chasing. He rejects the part of me that seeks for reassurances. Do not share feelings of neediness and insecurity with him. It is not attractive and gives him the message " I have to take care of your emotionally"
Regarding negativity:
*Husband is struggling because he still feels connected *choose faith and hope * document a list of positives that come from husband (I on,y did this in beginning) * good feelings are contagious. Positive energy is very positive and that I should never underestimate the power of a smile. I need to set off good energy
Regarding friendship
*must cultivate a friendship. A lot of good things can come * things change. A lot can happen in a few month * friendship is the goal because he will be more committed. * regardless of outcome you are going to be friends because of kids (this is hard one for me and many on here)
I am not sure what I should talk about. His anger? Definatly. How I do not want to be in limbo? How a part of me feels that if I leave, he might actually come back and if he doesn't then that's ok too. How I am so depressed and miserable in limbo, despite reading and understanding some very logical advise.
Juju, I am on my way out the door but I wanted to comment that I think there is a lot in this post to think about. I am going to come back after work and reread this and explore further. As far as the little comments and asking for reassurance, I struggle with keeping them in too, but sometimes I will post them or text a friend and get it "out" that way.
