Two Wolves

[CaliGuy]

Hello everyone .... sorry its been a bit, no I did not go off the deep end.... considering what happened my 100% focus was on getting ... O.U.T....out!!

M I have been following you as always, way to go on the birthday party and taking that high road that your mapquest just always seems to be locked on. as far as your post, yes I was ready and prepared for this but still hurt and very disappointed, even questioned a few things but as things over the past week happened I will say this, there is no doubt in my mind that I am excactly where I am supposed to be, W has her journey and she needs to go it alone without my enabling/fixing presence.

uR ... my Guardian angel ... you are right about everything .. shocker I know but please do perform some modesty. As far as angry and bitter ... yeah for a few hours I allowed that to flow through me then I realized I needed a reset button, this was it ... because the M and life I had found myself in from October on was NOT what I wanted nor was any of my Needs being met. As far as S goes ... little tougher, he is a quiet sensitive kid and has sadly for the past 4 years seen his mother be very abusive towards his father, throughout this whole thing as he has asked questions I used the fog/woods/tunnel analogies just so he understands that is not who she is. He shared with me he does not believe she is doing good, he wants to say something to her but is scared she will yell at him .... I told him she has been better towards him the past year trying to fix things and I ma thankful and happy about that. I did tell him he has a voice and as hard as it is to make sure he speaks up on things he feels strongly about .... towards me included. I assured him this has nothing to do with him ... heck even told him it has little to do with me, just love as Jesus would and thats all we can really do, this along with giving him some Xbox time has seemed to really help.
Last Thursday I took him to baseball practice as W "had an appointment" (honestly don't know don't care) S asked if she was going to be there I simply replied "no, she told me she has things to take care of tonight" S shrugged and I asked if it bothered him (Wanting him to open up and share feelings) he smirked and told me "Not really, she only shows up to a few games and never the practices, but you are always here .... Dad you have only missed 2 practices my entire life"... I laughed and thanked him for keeping count and calling me on it!!!

Ok so ... update for me.

I found a place, its expensive ... its tiny ... but I LOVE it. Friday morning I was going through my routine ... I have said nearly nothing to W at that point, talking what 10 days of 1 word answers or just not being around. She asked me for a moment and told me some trivial stuff about S, then asked when I was moving out (total control power move here) I told her "Today actually" ... her face was priceless ... not sure if she thought I was going to ride it out till May as she asked me just days before I caught her. I went to work for a few hours and then moved almost everything out that day before she was home. I was even nice and relocated her TV to the original spot .. hooked it up knowing S would be without had I not. I still have things to move but as I type this I am 'Home' and happy with the set up. Its not nearly as dark and dreadful as the last place. The people here are SO NICE its crazy, location is perfect... and the kitchen is set up for someone who knows how to cook more than mac n cheese, I signed a year lease hoping to possibly buy when and if the D finally processes.

As far as the D, W asked last week who was filing, I told her my focus was elsewhere at the moment and said "Maybe you should go ahead as you have seemed to want this all along, at least then it might possibly free you from the guilt of your on and off again adultery or allow you to find that happiness you seem so hell bent on finding regardless of the costs". This was Wednesday night as we were doing bills and I had some choice places to empty my truth dart quiver .. and did, not caring if she files or not at this point, it was for me and felt nice to get it all off my chest. I pointed out OM and how wonderful a man who cheats on his W, his OW must be ... was hilarious as she asked me how I knew all this ... SHE TOLD ME ... I ended the conversation telling her I no longer needed nor wanted to have any R talks given that I have just accepted anything she says is a lie, but was at peace knowing I could atleast count on that from her ... then as I left I looked at her and said "Is 'this' who you are now, who you really want to be, its not the woman I used to know and respected"

As for me I am at peace, been pretty dark this past week as she figured out I was not replying to a single R related text and ran out of trivial S subjects. She did text me last night after S called her to tell her goodnight, Started with "I have to tell you about something that has happened" I asked what it was ... thinking S related ... then she said "I know you don't care but I have been having serious eye problems, seeing double and it may be a tumor" .... I asked if she has seen a Dr .. she said 3, and is going again Monday so I need to take him. Now all this has happened within the last 10 days, I have no doubt its stress related .. but something she told me while she was out of the fog a little was that when she was misbehaving God takes her health to get her attention ... regardless I told her to keep me posted and she replied with a "Its my problem" so I left it at that. I do worry about her, but I can not fix her, nor can I get sucked in again as she uses the health issue often to reel me in and I feel like this is similar. Call it heartless and cold but I have to do this .. she has to go it alone.

So that's it for me at the moment, I am cooking up a storm as I type this .... like I said its expensive here so no more eating out which is fine, I am a great cook and enjoy the art ... you should see the rice pilaf I just did up with the chicken and homemade beans from scratch ... Emril has nothing on me ... Bamm!!!

Hope you all are well

[mleigh4]

Cali! I just came on to bug you to post an update, and there you are! Chicken pilaf and homemade beans? That sounds so good!

Well, I am so happy to hear you found a place. SO happy. I have been thinking of you and your S so much. I know you were hurt and disappointed by W. Strangely enough, because we all have become so close, we all were. I don't know why these things happen, why we have to go through these things, I hope someday you get your answer for that.

I had to giggle at the tumor thing. I know that sounds terrible, I don't mean that as it sounds, it just seems to be her way of reeling you in, like many times before. I am sure she is fine, very possibly stress related. I don't think your cold, just more aware.

I want to give your S a big hug, poor baby. He has been through so much too. I applaud you for respecting the importance of his R with his mom. I love that he talks with you about it. Keep that communication open, it's priceless. He keeps count on you, huh? That's so funny, he will keep you in line, no doubt.

Enjoy your new place, sending home blessings your way! It sounds great. Do you have dog there too? Close to the beach? How is the work commute for you? Does S like it? Sorry, I am excited for you and have lots of questions!

Hope to hear from you again soon

[CaliGuy]

M.. Thank you for the blessing.

Lol ... ok well the place is very close to the beach, about what .. 10 minutes maybe. The thing I love is its walking distance to both the grocery stores I typically go to, as well as my bank. I can also walk to the movie theatre if I so chose. Freeway is literally 3 minutes tops .... and my work comute is what .. 15-20 minutes as it was with W. And the biggest thing is S's school/sports are 10 minutes, last BD S and I would be in the car for 1 1/2 hours per day between drop offs and pick ups and it KILLED me he suffered for her choices.

S seems to like it, has a really nice pool, S was all about helping me get things set up as I made him pick out our "Snack Stash" location ... I give him a spot in the kitchen where we can hide our loot ... currently filled with cookies, pop tarts and an undisclosed amount of gummy worms.

Its small but all my stuff fit nicely, and its really perfect.

As far as the dog ... ok. This place allows dogs, my unit is upstairs (I can see ocean from my bedroom) and they have a lb restriction of 35 lbs upstairs ... Tommy (our dog) is 95 on a skinny day . I thought about taking the dog anyway but the place is upstairs and small, he is blind with poor hips so I gave it thought. S will have him while at her place, she is not really hands on with S so he is either on the ipad or TV, atleast he has a buddy there. W asked me Friday "What about 'woofie'" I calmly told her I can not take him right now, she replied "What so I don't have a choice or a say in this matter" I American Sniper-Truth Drated her right between the eyes with "I did not have a choice 2 1/2 years ago and took care of him, I also had no choice or say in the matter 10 days ago (implying her lies/betrayal) So I will miss the dog a little, but honestly she can take him this round its my turn to be selfish .... walking him 3 times a day without her even offering ... yeah, her turn, sorry not sorry. In a year I hope to get a 2 bedroom unit .. rent a house .. or maybe use my VA loan and buy provided I am D and W can not get me there .... then maybe I will take the dog back if he is still with us, dude is 12, blind and just getting old ... .bringing him here is new/more stress I would rather save him from .. he knows his way around at her place.

[mleigh4]

Oh yes, I remember the time it took you before for the pick ups and drop offs. Much better! The location sounds perfect

Regular or sour gummies worms? Lol. You know, many times I think my son really likes having a separate space from my H. As sad as it is, the MLC'er is exhausting! The peace and quiet is a gift, I am sure your son is going to very much enjoy your new space.

Bummer about Tommy, but sounds like a smart choice. Even though I am very mad at your W right now, dog may be an emotional comfort she needs right now too.

Your place sounds great. An ocean view?! I am jealous.

[LouR]

hmmmm gummy worms, pop tarts ......

Hey Cali, great update from you, Congratulations on finding what sounds like a fantastic pad for you and s, shame about doggie but you have logic in why he should remain where he is for now.

Well w is certainly not a happy camper is she! I so glad that her antics are sliding off you, you sound in a good place within yourself and have really stepped up for your s.

I wish you nothing but the best moving forward, you deserve so much peace and happiness, you also deserve to find someone who cherishes you ..... wont be hard, you are truly a stand up guy - and you cook and clean, wowsers he he. Seriously though, enjoy your new found freedom, your new home and your s.

Keep updating us on how you are doing - you are a success story and we all love those xoxo

[Sotto]

Cali, sounds good. I'm reading this and I can smell the ocean, feel the sun on my face and the taste of gummy bears. I'm glad to hear you got things sorted so quickly. And the location sounds just great. I too am in a great spot, and it's lovely to 'stroll out' to all the places you love to go.

Enjoy my friend xx

[Mighty]

Hi Cali!! Something told me to check in... Omg, Cali. Can I just start with this??? I am so happy for you. I know that sounds like the worst thing to say right now; however, you are such an amazing person. You have done so much work, and Cali, you get t. You just get it. Life, that is. I mean, I don't know that we ever really, totally figure it out.. But it's like some people are on one side of a mountain, and only see that side. The rest who make it over, see a whole other view. (In school the other day, we just read about how one side of the mountain always has better weather and much healthier vegetation... Due to the location and shield from elements... Blah, blah.. That just popped into my head).

Anyway (wow, I never cease to ramble!!), I'm happy bc now you will really be able to be Cali. I know you are already, but man, Cali... When you can drop the weight you have been carrying, it is such a relief and so much freedom.

I hope you aren't taking this the wrong way. And I am so sorry you had to go through that again. I know exactly how it feels. But I know you are stronger now. Recover is quicker, and more perspective is gained.

Ok, I gotta run, I hope all that makes sense, as it was quick and dirty. However I have an appt right now- a life changing appt!! Good stuff and I hope to update in the near future!

Take care, Cali. I will check in again. I know you will still continue to be a bad @ss rock star!!

Peace!

[kml]

Sounds awesome. I know it's a bummer but at the same time a relief. You'll find it's awfully nice not walking on eggshells all the time in your own home.

GAL suggestion......there's a band you might want to see playing on April Fool's Day at the Legacy brewery in Oside......say hello to the drummer for me. 7-10.

[CaliGuy]

Just journaling a bit … been doing a good deal of reflection.



So in full disclosure I am going through some cycling. Why … why the past year? What purpose/lessons were learned what was that all about? This time last year I had accepted D, not what I wanted but I felt W may very well need that to move on and process through her journey, I loved her enough to let her go … and did. Then 24MAR15 she tells me she is messed up, wants to work on M, I made the mistake of treating her like she was coming out .. looking at it was either she emerged and went back in (guilt/to much damage?) .. or one helluva touch and go that felt like nothing I have witnessed in the 2 ½ years of dealing with this … so the question, what did I learn?



I learned I can look at myself and know .. truly know I did and have done all I can humanly do, to save this M.

I also realized, that my gut was right, I needed a reset like this, my boundaries were not all in place and some were down right soft, I was not happy nor getting anything from the M.

I am happy with the fact that only 10 days after discovering the text/pics I moved out, MY terms .. I left her. Of course she monstered and said she wanted a D all along .. how dare I look through her things .. blah blah blah, but it was ME who left HER, her actions carried this consequence and I held my promise … any OM contact I was gone and I am. Its nuts .. just 3 days prior we had it out a bit, I thought there were some issues actually getting addressed .. little did ?I know OM was back in the picture, but she wanted me to stay till May, even was in tears saying she could not stop me from leaving her if that’s what I wanted to do .. not wanting me to leave .. blah blah blah … she was lost then and I suspect she is still lost and I have no doubt she will bottom out one day but I just can not allow myself to be near ground zero any longer.

I am not sure what to do at this point, a good friend I have had in all this .. he does not get it completely but never judges, he brought up today he worries 10 years from no I would still be holding on to that thread of hope …. I told him for the past 2 ½ years I was, I felt that’s what God had wanted me to do … but now, I have dropped the rope, because in my heart that’s what I am to do. Do I want a D .. of course not, but I cannot control that no more than I can control the M … its in His hands. At this point I have a long road of healing ahead of me regardless what she does or does’nt do. The things she has done and said to me over the past 3-4 years I am admittedly jacked up, talking IC jacked up .. I am not ready to attend IC just yet but the more I reflect the more I realize I will have to deal with this damage I have been served. Once I heal .. well then I will take it from there, but any relationship .. is not on the table for me at the moment.

I am not sure what will happen, part of me sure still wants to stand … eventhough this person wearing my w’s skin is a demon, part of me mourns my w’s death, part of me has cast her aside and has said good riddance … then another part is sad and confused asking why this, why again and it hurts. Then I cycle back through them all all over again.

W is back to blaming me for it all, I am not motivated, failed to satisfy her, tossed the degree in my face once again … all my fault and I sealed my fate … I did reply to this one as I have ignored 90% of her texts the past 2 weeks. I told her my fate was sealed when she lied/betrayed and cheated AGAIN, her affair in fact sealed my fate, but I thanked her for showing me who she really is” and ended the convo by telling her I would have S call at 8. She spewed for a few more messages but I did not reply



W showed up to the new place Monday, Monster/Psycho demanding her key to the Condo which I had already told her I was not giving up till all my items were out, not going to have to align schedules to gather my things, I reassured her that once I had my things I would gladly give her the key as I want nothing to do with that place. She then told me I needed to pay rent/prorated till I returned the key, I actually laughed and said “good luck with that” … she then demanded to see S to ensure he was safe … really? I threatened to call the cops if she made a scene, I had S meet her at the door .. poor kid in the middle of Crazyville. She is looking rough again, lost, tired, stressed. Fortunately this time around when I have S, I am taking him to school, and do not have to have any contact with her, which I haven’t .. its been NC text/phone/in person since Monday. She is all happy and upbeat on the phone with S (She is on speaker as my earpiece on my phone is toast ) but I did hear her cry a bit saying she missed him.



I can not say where this ends, who can … no one knows. I do feel myself softening a bit, not that I would take her back right now .. but I have begun praying God helps her again, He is really the only one who can save her at this point, I see her in trouble and just hope she doesn’t do anything more stupid that she will regret/have to deal with later.

[BrightFuture]

Hi Cali, I’m glad that you found what sounds to be a great place to live for you and your S. Sorry about the dog, I would be sad too, if I would have to leave my dog.

All these questions you are asking yourself will probably be answered at some point, after you’ve gone through the healing process.

Your W is probably going to do a lot of spinning. At least you have your own place and don’t have to witness it all the time. I’m sorry that you will still have to deal with some of it because you need to communicate with her regarding your S. As far as filing for D, I would not be in a hurry with this. I liked it how you “suggested” to your W to go ahead and file. I doubt she is going to do it though.

You are doing great, Cali. Take care.