HD women, First are there HD women out there who suffered with LD wasband withholding sex? If so, let's brainstorm how we can make sure we never, ever, ever end up in that same sad place again.
I don't know if I would ever want to get married again but I do know I'm not giving up on my sexuality. I suspect I'm at least a serial monogomist, so the easy way out of several men probably won't work for me emotionally. But I sure need to figure out what I missed the first time around.
I think there were several factors in my marriage: 1. when he sobered up, he became pretty inhibited and judgemental about sex. So I need to ensure a new man can be a hottie dead cold sober? 2. he defined himself more by me, than independently... and was then threatened by my success. So I need someone who has a healthy identity, self-image so he feels manly enough to make me feel womanly? does that even make sense? 3. He always felt things had to be perfect before we could ML. I typically thought even the worst situation would be improved by sex... so I need to watch out for someone who has endless conditions?
what else? I've already lived through this, I want to figure out how not to repeat it!
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and annoys the pig.
Quote: First are there HD women out there who suffered with LD wasband withholding sex? If so, let's brainstorm how we can make sure we never, ever, ever end up in that same sad place again.
I had a wah who was ld for pretty much out entire r with spurts (no pun intended) of an active libido now and then. I thought the issue resolved itself when he came home cause it certainly seemed that way (there must be truth to the story of ld's often appearing as hd in the begining of a r) but alas h is a ld or as he prefers a fluctuating libido.
Some of the "charecteristics" you pointed out seem to fit. I'm sure there are others but right now I can't think clearly due to deprivation and a desire to not drag myself into a "it's all his fault" "he's the one with issues" tunnel, so I'll have to get back to you.
Yep, HD woman here with a soon-to-be wasband. I don't post much here, since my SSM is soon to be over. But I had to chime in and let you know there are plenty of us HD wives on the board!
#2 of the 3 factors you posted completely applied to my marriage. My H made me the center of his life and was proud, but I think also threatened, by my professional achievements. As I grew professionally throughout our relationship, I think he progressively felt more and more insecure.
What I'm looking for in a partner now is someone who a) enjoys sex ; b) isn't threatened by me; c) has a life and identity of his own, but who enjoys spending time together; d) ... did I say "enjoys sex" already?
Great thread, can't wait to hear what some of the wise HD women on the board have to say...!
Good to see you still around. Sorry to hear about the stbx but I am in the same process.
It's not just about the sex, but the entire lack of touch, caring, emotion, intimacy, connection, the whole package. You try so hard to have your mate love you and be in love with you. If love is not a priority in the R, you suffer and die each day. Life is for living, and I am taking a chance to find a man that will cherish me and I can cherish him.
I was hoping you would show up here , although I was sorry to read that your sitch took the same path as mine.
You are, of course, right that there's more to a satisfying relationship than just sex. It was never really about "just sex", although that's how H summarized my requests for more physical and emotional intimacy.
And you're also right about how crushing it is to be rejected continuously in a relationship with someone you love. Wow, did that do a number on my self esteem!
But I feel so much better now that I'm out from under the stress/sadness/pain caused by my M. Even if I'm alone for the rest of my life, it is better than to be in a relationship with someone who I love, but who actively pushes me away.
I'm rambling here - let me get back to the thread at hand. I, too, would love to cherish and be cherished in my next R. I would love to be physically and emotionally close to my partner - to be able to tell him anything and still be accepted... to be able to initiate sex and not be rejected...to feel attractive, trusted, cared for, etc.
Well, Ladies, we have been lied to. When our wasbads took their marriage vows, they promised to love, honor and cherish us. They lied, pure and simple.
Marriage is a committment to work with your partner to create a good, full, happy life together. It was all fine and dandy as long as we were the ones doing all of the work to make the marriage sucessful. As soon as we discovered that some of our basic humand needs, I.E. intimacy and sex, were not going to be freely shared in these marriages, we redoubled our efforts to become more attractive to our spouse, being better wives and mothers, thinking that it must be our fault that thay did not desire us. That was conditional BS.
There was nothing wrong with us that a little loving would not take care of, but we had to beg, plead, cry, rationalize, make our minds do summersalts to figure out why our wasbands refused, that's right, refused to touch us.
It was them all along, for a variety of reasons, childhood trauma, guilt, an affair, hormonal problems, Passive Agressiveness, Sexual Dysfunction, who knows, because we never really will know. But I do know, and am beginning to accept, that I was not at fault. I have been a good, loyal, hardworking, caring loving wife to a man that could not ever appreciate all that has been given to him, unconditionally.
They refused to work with us, would not go to the doctor for checkups much less get tested for hormonal problems. Marriage Counselers, all that is is "psychobabble" and isn't going to make any difference to him. In essense, we married very selfish men.
They chose not to love us fully and with their whole being. Strings, stipulations, conditions were always attached and we were always the ones to be hurt. In their minds, because they brought home a paycheck, they loved us, cared for us, made a home for us. The home was an empty shell. It might be pretty, comfortable, but hollow on the inside, where it counted.
They would not honor us by being truthful about themselves before we got married. I know that I was very clear with my stbx how important intimacy and sex is to me. He listened and said little. I thought that he agreed and understood how I felt. Now I know that is typical of Passive Agressive people. They will not really listen or acknowledge what you are saying. It's all a mask.
They chose not to honor our marriage by being selfish with their bodies, knowing full well the pain that rejection brought to each of us. Nor did they care.
The only thing that mattered was appearrances, and everything always appearred normal to outsiders. People have been shocked when I told them we are divorcing. Then I tell them why and the pieces of the puzzle began to make sense.
It is a shame that we di not know before we married what we know now. But can we prevent this hell from happening to us again? All you can do is try, but I dunno. I know that I will try again, but I will be more cautious this time, and you bet your sweet bippy I will talk to the ex if there is one. I want her side of the story, too.
Johanna, you're as frustrated as I was! Horrible, isn't it? Though in my case, he was not even a good provider financially...
I like your idea of talking to the ex.... not sure how practical it is, but I love the concept.
Here's another twist.... while I want someone HD (I could live with 3-5 times a week) I also want someone who will be faithful. Do y'all think that's an oxymoron? A HD man who will be monogomous???
I don't buy the stuff about men just not being wired that way. None of the men I know are old enough to have been sexually active in the cavemen days... just doesn't fly. But I do think that HD people (of both genders) have more trouble being faithful, especially when they are not getting enough loving. To me, it's a choice. If the relationship is good, I value it at a dollar. A quickie with a hottie outside the relationship is appealing.. but I won't trade a dime for a dollar.
That hour of pleasure, is not worth risking hurting someone you care about and losing a relationship that works. Now if the relationship isn't working... then it's value goes down. The hardest time for me to be faithful was when I had lots of dimes to choose from, and my marriage was worth about a penny.
So bottom line, is there a conflict in wanting a HD man, AND wanting him to be faithful to you?
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and annoys the pig.
Yeah, most of the HD spouses here do claim to be faithful, but there are instances of the LD spouse haveing an A, too. There are so many vaiables regarding folk's sexuality, unless there is a chastity belt or jock strap, (and that's a bit kinky, lol) no one can be guarenteed anything in the sex department.
Lots of us have all of this pain and guilt regarding these failed marriages that never really have been a true marriage. We try and keep trying, staying together for the kids, the security, what ever reason floats your boat. In the end, we sacrifice a large part of ourselves to the M with no compensation for losing our souls. I can't do it anymore and I'm not selling my soul to the devil in return. I want myself back, peace of mind, fulfillment and happinerss. I may never find what I seek, but I have a chance by D'ing.
I'm HD, but I've been faithful. Some days I feel like just dropping the $300 on a prostitute for an hour of someone pretending to enjoy sex with me, but I'm so old (42) I'd just rather spend it on a new barbecue grill.
; b) isn't threatened by me; c) has a life and identity of his own, but who enjoys spending time together; d) ... did I say "enjoys sex" already? 
, although I was sorry to read that your sitch took the same path as mine.