Hello everyone .... sorry its been a bit, no I did not go off the deep end.... considering what happened my 100% focus was on getting ... O.U.T....out!!
M I have been following you as always, way to go on the birthday party and taking that high road that your mapquest just always seems to be locked on. as far as your post, yes I was ready and prepared for this but still hurt and very disappointed, even questioned a few things but as things over the past week happened I will say this, there is no doubt in my mind that I am excactly where I am supposed to be, W has her journey and she needs to go it alone without my enabling/fixing presence.
uR ... my Guardian angel ... you are right about everything .. shocker I know but please do perform some modesty. As far as angry and bitter ... yeah for a few hours I allowed that to flow through me then I realized I needed a reset button, this was it ... because the M and life I had found myself in from October on was NOT what I wanted nor was any of my Needs being met. As far as S goes ... little tougher, he is a quiet sensitive kid and has sadly for the past 4 years seen his mother be very abusive towards his father, throughout this whole thing as he has asked questions I used the fog/woods/tunnel analogies just so he understands that is not who she is. He shared with me he does not believe she is doing good, he wants to say something to her but is scared she will yell at him .... I told him she has been better towards him the past year trying to fix things and I ma thankful and happy about that. I did tell him he has a voice and as hard as it is to make sure he speaks up on things he feels strongly about .... towards me included. I assured him this has nothing to do with him ... heck even told him it has little to do with me, just love as Jesus would and thats all we can really do, this along with giving him some Xbox time has seemed to really help. Last Thursday I took him to baseball practice as W "had an appointment" (honestly don't know don't care) S asked if she was going to be there I simply replied "no, she told me she has things to take care of tonight" S shrugged and I asked if it bothered him (Wanting him to open up and share feelings) he smirked and told me "Not really, she only shows up to a few games and never the practices, but you are always here .... Dad you have only missed 2 practices my entire life"... I laughed and thanked him for keeping count and calling me on it!!!
Ok so ... update for me.
I found a place, its expensive ... its tiny ... but I LOVE it. Friday morning I was going through my routine ... I have said nearly nothing to W at that point, talking what 10 days of 1 word answers or just not being around. She asked me for a moment and told me some trivial stuff about S, then asked when I was moving out (total control power move here) I told her "Today actually" ... her face was priceless ... not sure if she thought I was going to ride it out till May as she asked me just days before I caught her. I went to work for a few hours and then moved almost everything out that day before she was home. I was even nice and relocated her TV to the original spot .. hooked it up knowing S would be without had I not. I still have things to move but as I type this I am 'Home' and happy with the set up. Its not nearly as dark and dreadful as the last place. The people here are SO NICE its crazy, location is perfect... and the kitchen is set up for someone who knows how to cook more than mac n cheese, I signed a year lease hoping to possibly buy when and if the D finally processes.
As far as the D, W asked last week who was filing, I told her my focus was elsewhere at the moment and said "Maybe you should go ahead as you have seemed to want this all along, at least then it might possibly free you from the guilt of your on and off again adultery or allow you to find that happiness you seem so hell bent on finding regardless of the costs". This was Wednesday night as we were doing bills and I had some choice places to empty my truth dart quiver .. and did, not caring if she files or not at this point, it was for me and felt nice to get it all off my chest. I pointed out OM and how wonderful a man who cheats on his W, his OW must be ... was hilarious as she asked me how I knew all this ... SHE TOLD ME ... I ended the conversation telling her I no longer needed nor wanted to have any R talks given that I have just accepted anything she says is a lie, but was at peace knowing I could atleast count on that from her ... then as I left I looked at her and said "Is 'this' who you are now, who you really want to be, its not the woman I used to know and respected"
As for me I am at peace, been pretty dark this past week as she figured out I was not replying to a single R related text and ran out of trivial S subjects. She did text me last night after S called her to tell her goodnight, Started with "I have to tell you about something that has happened" I asked what it was ... thinking S related ... then she said "I know you don't care but I have been having serious eye problems, seeing double and it may be a tumor" .... I asked if she has seen a Dr .. she said 3, and is going again Monday so I need to take him. Now all this has happened within the last 10 days, I have no doubt its stress related .. but something she told me while she was out of the fog a little was that when she was misbehaving God takes her health to get her attention ... regardless I told her to keep me posted and she replied with a "Its my problem" so I left it at that. I do worry about her, but I can not fix her, nor can I get sucked in again as she uses the health issue often to reel me in and I feel like this is similar. Call it heartless and cold but I have to do this .. she has to go it alone.
So that's it for me at the moment, I am cooking up a storm as I type this .... like I said its expensive here so no more eating out which is fine, I am a great cook and enjoy the art ... you should see the rice pilaf I just did up with the chicken and homemade beans from scratch ... Emril has nothing on me ... Bamm!!!
