Wishing I was there to give you a big hug.I'm trying St John worth thingy (not even sure I have the right spelling) nd I combine it with vitamin D and oil fish. It isn't as strong as AD, but it's more natural. I have decided to whin myself off AD! If STBXH can do it when he was injured, so can I!
My IC thinks that he is probably not aware of what STBXH does, so I don't think your H is enjoying it. If he was i'd be very concerned of trying to R with him. What we are going thrpugh cannot be fix in one day. I'm a year on it and don't see any progress.
in a way I think our M has ended and everyone seems to see it apart from us, so we both need to focus back on us. Apart from your H, what do you want? What are your dreams?
Mine was to be in education in the UK.I have done that, so ow I need to focus about my next dream. I have always loved travelling but couldn't because of financial issues, once I'm in my new house, I'm plnning just that with my kids.
Anyway, I have not been doing great with divorce busting. I have upcoming talk with coach and I am embarassed to admit I did a lot the stuff I am not supposed to. What I have been doing good in is controlling what I say. I keep all of my thoughts to myself. I do not share the nasty little comments that pop into my head anymore. This is my biggest 180. I also do not call him for reassurances frequently. Iit did happen though regarding reconciling.
I am going to review some helpful things she told me in past.
Regarding communication:
Listen more then talk... I have been doing this Soft starts...("in my opinion" " from my perspective" When he hurts you say "you know I don't even know what to say" Don't assume. Ask for clarification Tone End conversation with positive End conversation when you sense bad tone
Documented chart of situation, old response, and new response and his reaction...this was very helpful and enabled me to learn to keep my mouth shut and decrease fights.
Regarding pursuing:
*Pursuing creates distance. Do not ask if he loves you. *I am seeking reassurance because fear is controlling me. Fear will drain you. Do not feed it. *act as if. Stop chasing. He rejects the part of me that seeks for reassurances. Do not share feelings of neediness and insecurity with him. It is not attractive and gives him the message " I have to take care of your emotionally"
Regarding negativity:
*Husband is struggling because he still feels connected *choose faith and hope * document a list of positives that come from husband (I on,y did this in beginning) * good feelings are contagious. Positive energy is very positive and that I should never underestimate the power of a smile. I need to set off good energy
Regarding friendship
*must cultivate a friendship. A lot of good things can come * things change. A lot can happen in a few month * friendship is the goal because he will be more committed. * regardless of outcome you are going to be friends because of kids (this is hard one for me and many on here)
I am not sure what I should talk about. His anger? Definatly. How I do not want to be in limbo? How a part of me feels that if I leave, he might actually come back and if he doesn't then that's ok too. How I am so depressed and miserable in limbo, despite reading and understanding some very logical advise.
Thornton, planning some trips with kids will be fun and will give me something to look forward to and will take my mind off of things. I want to visit family in St. Louis so an airplane ride would be fun for them and maybe a camping trip with them in summer. They are dying to go to Hershey park as well ( they think it will be like the willy wonkas chocolate factory) Weather will be getting better so big plus.
Thank you rouky... Those are tough questions. I really want a partner. Someone to share and do things with. I haven't had that with my husband in a long time. Even when he was here, he was detached. And I get why he was too.
I don't have any real goals right now. I feel like a lot is on hold. Career wise, financially.
You are right, my friends and family all feel like I am ridiculous for not just filing. They think I am in denial they say There is no relationship anymore so why am I waiting around on hold? Am I in denial? Husband won't tell me he wants to divorce and he won't tell me he wants to work on reconciliation. He tells me he does not know and needs space. How long do I wait? When he told me he did not want to reconcile I started to proceed with legal stuff. Then he told me we should try to reconcile. Then he refused to address reconciliation because he was mad that I proceeded with legal stuff. If he would give me an answer, I would follow through. Is he waiting for me to get fed up so he doesn't have to be decision maker?
I felt like W would pick fights with me in hopes I would end things instead of her. We would fight and then she would ask if I was leaving her. But I got the feeling she was hoping I would say it was over so she wouldn't feel guilty about me buying our house 6 months earlier and then her leaving me in a financial pickle.
Yes your right. It's a waste to analyze them. So hard to not want answers though. Truth is they don't even know.
I have a short term plan and that is to get through the month giving him space and then reevaluating myself and the situation. Right now I recognize a depression (probably from being sick and the stress of all this) and its a bad time to do or say anything.
I need to socialize too. Ran into a friend today and just talking to her for 20 minutes while watching our kids made me feel better. (She is really against divorce because of her parents but thinks at this point i can't stay like this anymore)
I think it was a great exercise for you to write out all your DB'ing goals and try to see what you are doing well and what you can work on. I also like your idea of a time frame to reevaluate to see how everything is going. I seem to be doing better now that I have goals and boundaries to "measure" how I am doing.
I am so sorry you are feeling low. This really is a roller coaster and from moment to moment you never know if you will be up or down. I do feel like your H could be having a mlc without an OW. I swear my H is having a mlc (unfortunately, he has an OW as well). He is extremely moody, confused and very unhappy.
I remember how tied you are to the house when the kids are young. Can you set up some times to meet at a park with your kids? Is there a church nearby that has regular playdates to attend? I know it was helpful for me to have other "grown-ups" to talk to when my kids were little even if the kids are nearby, too. It seems like having 20 minutes with your friend definitely lifted your spirits, I hope you can find some other ways to GAL.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
thanks for your posting. I never mentioned the word MLC to my husband. He thinks it is all about our marriage. I truly don't know anymore.
And he is right. We always seemed to have issues that we never knew how to address. Communication was always a big problem. It's not the case that we had a great marriage and something took over and he left. This had been building up and up and it reached a point where logistically it was really easy for him to leave.
