Not sure where to stand

[Sparkls]

I'll probably just sit on it for now. It's in my journal. Guess I just am having some epiphany moments and want to share my insight. (the perpetual teacher I guess)

[Thornton]

Yeah, I agree. I think you should sit on it for right. You have it saved, so you can always post it later.

I think right now, you want to give off the impression that you are thriving. And if word got back to H that you are struggling, that wouldn't be attractive to him.

Remember, if you want H back, you have to ATTRACT him back. Be confident, cool, sexy etc. Fake it for now if you have to.

You have to make him think "oh sh!t, Sparks is moving on and happy. Did I make the right decision?"

[Ojap]

Wonderful written, Sparks.

My wife is in the throws of a signifiant depression at the moment. For someone who hasn't felt it, or lived IN it....it is very difficult to understand.

My heart breaks for you (and my W). My wife is a PA, and is currently on Wellbutrin. She is angry that she has to be on medicine to not make her 'feel'. Or that the way she 'feels' is wrong.

So...your post was very helpful to me. Showing me a glimpse into what my W must be walking through. Thoughts and prayers for you! So glad you are feeling a bit more UP!

[Sparkls]

You are welcome to print it off so she doesn't know where it's coming from and show it to her. I'm also on wellbutrin. I was just warn her that if she really is feeling numb or more depressed, she needs to tell her doc because antidepressants can have the opposite effect, especially initially.

On my own personal note: got my hair did. (Said in hillbilly accent). Cut off 6 inches. Looking fine ;-) And made a bunch of cake pops for a baby shower tomorrow.
Also watched an interesting ted talk by Esther Perel that someone on some page here mentioned that was really spot on. Funny how from the outside I can look at this affair and tell you what is really going on (none of the ILYBNILWY or I never loved you, blah blah) but H is so wrapped up in it, he can't see reality. I guess there's a small comfort in that for me, cause it really helps me solidify that although I contributed to the problems in the relationship, the affair is not about me. It's not even really about our relationship.
Food for thought I suppose.

[Ojap]

Thx Sparks....I'll keep an eye out. She is def really struggling. Been on it 2-3 weeks. She's had some ideations, etc. I'm keeping an eye out...

Most critical thing you just said, "the affair is not about me"

Spot. On.

[HopeRB]

I also watched that Esther Perel talk a few months ago after a friend suggested it to me...very insightful. Coincidentally, I was watching another TedTalk a few hours ago and that one crossed my mind to watch again.

I'm also dealing with being the controlling one in my R, Sparks and I've been putting in alot of work to get to the root of that issue b/c that was one of our issues and overall just isn't healthy in any kind of R. And I agree with you and Pajo, these A's aren't just about the R even though that's what they want us to think. They're symptoms of a much larger issue.

[Sparkls]

Journaling
Today's been a rollercoaster. Bad dreams last night, woke up with my heart just hurting because of how much I just miss doing every day things with H. `
He came home from CO today. Still haven't heard a peep. I texted his friend that he was staying with just to get a temp check and was told basically that he seems dead set that it won't work between us and that he had really made up his mind before ever even going out there.
Part of me isn't surprised. Part of me is shattered. Part of me is telling me not to think anything about it because words are easy and "dont believe anything they say." Parts of me are having serious doubts as to whether I should even be fighting for this. Even if he decides to come back, we've got such an uphill battle that requires some real work from him addressing the affair and I'm just not sure he'll ever be willing to do that. And then I keep thinking about the old us. The Us that I fought so hard for for so long. And all that we've been through. And I don't want to throw that away. I just feel very lost and confused. And I know I need to give it time.
I'm really kicking myself for kicking him out, but he was also bringing the OW to my home in one of the TWO days I was gone. And that was something I just was not okay with. I over reacted, but I don't think I can take it back now.


And I just got a stupid notifcation for a fb post of his that I really want to reply something funny to ( it's a picture that says all dawgs goto heaven . ironic for 2 reasons 1 is that we both loved this movie as kids and rewatched it together a few years ago and it was *terrible* but 2. we had this ongoing joke about Yo Dawg, I heard you like... blah blah) I of course am thinking about those but he probably just thought it was funny. Ugh. I have GOT To stop over thinking everything.

[Sparkls]

To clarify: I want to comment "Yo dawg"

[Thornton]

First off, most me are macho around their friends. Most of us don't go around talking about how lonely and hurt we are to our guy friends.

Don't place any weight on what he said to his friend. Also, stop contacting his friend, you don't want that getting back to H.

Stay the course, Sparks. Don't reach out to him to post anything on his FB. You will not get the response you are looking for.


He's got to miss you before he'll ever come back.

Oh, and kicking him out because he was bringing OW to the house was the right move. Commanding respect is attractive.

Your story is not over. Keep going.

[Sparkls]

Although I'm not sure I buy into the being macho around this particular friend, I appreciate that.
This particular friend has been our friend for a very long time and is "on my side" so to speak (He's lucky to have me and thinks I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him etc). But yeah, I didn't have any intention of talking to him about it more after this.
I've been very guilty of reaching out to the sane people in his life to try and get them to apply some outside pressure to end the A. well really I phrased it very specifically to not ask them to side with me. I just asked them to be there for him to talk to him if he needed an ear, as he has several ears right now giving him such bad advice, I had hoped to have some good ears to balance it out. I know, probably not my best idea but it was all during the first like week or two and have now stopped.

And I'm not actually going to post on his fb. I tend to post here so that I don't post there XP

Personal flaw that has gotten a lot worse recently with the death of my mother and all of the ensuing family drama: I have a very hard time sticking to my decisions. I second guess myself so much more than I ever used to. It's weird because it's only in the social interactions part of my life. In medicine, in my career, in school, I'm confident and I stick to my guns but when it comes to my personal life, I feel like I'm standing in quicksand and any wrong move is going to cause me to sink.

First step: sticking to my guns about asking him to leave. This is my home, he disrespected that. I have zero control over just about everything right now but this is the environment I can control. It's my safe haven and I need for it to feel that way.