In addition to sharing a screen name with my favorite smell in the world (totally not kidding! Candles, women's perfume, you name it. The flavor is pretty awesome too), yours are some of the kindest, most encouraging words anyone has offered to me in a very long time. Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out to me in such supportive detail.
In order to try and balance the void left by losing my best friend (temporarily I hope) I need to surround myself with supporters but that doesn't mean that I need blind support. Sometimes, as evidenced by the athletic supporter (or "jock strap,") the right support can be painful, but it is still support. I'd love it if my wife could be that support for me and I for her but this is a very, very raw situation and we are both very damaged. I will try not to beat myself down too much but it's tough. I screwed up. I should know better and that's what I'm learning; that no matter what I should know, alcohol and drugs are smarter and more resourceful than I am or could ever hope to be standing alone.
I fully believe that it is the stealing from her parents that pushed her over the edge. Had this been just another lie uncovered, I might be home by now. But it's not just any lie.
I also believe that these circumstances exist for me right now because I needed to be where I am to fully hit my bottom. Just being caught drinking again wouldn't have saved me. Hurting people who have always been very good to me, on the other hand..... I believe that there is a higher power that has a plan for me and that right now is part of that plan.
Initially, being an agnostic, I was worried about the higher power piece of AA and other 12 step groups. However, the "Big Book of AA," has a chapter for that. Alcoholism has helped me to ignore spirituality and faith and I did have to take a different path than just having "God," be a higher power. I chose my grandmother, or Mee Maw, who I described as passing away in 2007 in my intro post, to be my higher power. While I don't know if she's standing behind me or above me or around me, I "channel," her, so to speak, when I make the mistake of trying to exercise my own will. WWMD (what would MeeMaw do?) has become my mantra.
At any rate, thank you for the warm welcome and while I plan on listening to the wisdom of others, I hope that there truly is something I can offer someone else.
I'm sorry your husband is not wiling to seek help. The disease is cunning, baffling, powerful, as you are well aware.
