Not sure where to stand

[Sparkls]

Journaling
Today's been a rollercoaster. Bad dreams last night, woke up with my heart just hurting because of how much I just miss doing every day things with H. `
He came home from CO today. Still haven't heard a peep. I texted his friend that he was staying with just to get a temp check and was told basically that he seems dead set that it won't work between us and that he had really made up his mind before ever even going out there.
Part of me isn't surprised. Part of me is shattered. Part of me is telling me not to think anything about it because words are easy and "dont believe anything they say." Parts of me are having serious doubts as to whether I should even be fighting for this. Even if he decides to come back, we've got such an uphill battle that requires some real work from him addressing the affair and I'm just not sure he'll ever be willing to do that. And then I keep thinking about the old us. The Us that I fought so hard for for so long. And all that we've been through. And I don't want to throw that away. I just feel very lost and confused. And I know I need to give it time.
I'm really kicking myself for kicking him out, but he was also bringing the OW to my home in one of the TWO days I was gone. And that was something I just was not okay with. I over reacted, but I don't think I can take it back now.


And I just got a stupid notifcation for a fb post of his that I really want to reply something funny to ( it's a picture that says all dawgs goto heaven . ironic for 2 reasons 1 is that we both loved this movie as kids and rewatched it together a few years ago and it was *terrible* but 2. we had this ongoing joke about Yo Dawg, I heard you like... blah blah) I of course am thinking about those but he probably just thought it was funny. Ugh. I have GOT To stop over thinking everything.