Thank you so much job, reading your post was just what I needed to read today. I had a really unsettled night, weird dreams and woke feeling like I need to end this before he does - I haven't woken with mass feelings/emotions like that for quite a while, so to read your post put some calm back into me.
Everything you wrote is so accurate, I see it, so thank you for taking the time to help me understand this part of the process. He mentioned again at the weekend that since his friend died (coming up a yr in March) he has felt different, he looked at himself and hated what he saw, its around that time his feelings and thoughts of me started to return and he began to see what he had created around him and the very slow process of changing it started.
I know what i have to do, I feel I am doing it as best I can; being a friend and allowing him into my life in any capacity is hard going for me as my feelings for him are still very much there (realised this at xmas) and being in his life but not in his life is like picking a scab -
Its my nature to put everyone else first, I always have done and probably always will do, so me and my health tend to get pushed to the bottom of the pile - hence me taking over a year to go to the dr about the mole! I dont prioritize myself as being high on the list, its something I struggle with, I feel selfish. So when I do do something for me, then its a big deal and takes me a lot of pushing myself - which is why I struggle to make decisions based purely around me, what is best for me, what do I want ...I tend to take everything else/one into account first.
I want to get this next blood test out the way, 2 weeks time. That will give me a clearer picture of what is going on with my thyroid - looking at it I have got symptoms but I dont want to blame them on anything until I have proof. The low I am feeling, the utter tiredness and aches and pains could all be down to this, or they could be genuine depression setting in, so I know this part of my health needs to be taken seriously and I am taking steps to sort it out. As for me in general, I know that I have have to change my job, its not helping my mood or body, but my questioning thoughts are : I feel so unsettled right now, my job, my location, h , health, life - so what will cause me the least stress to deal with ..... the whats best for ME wrangle continues lol.
Bttrfly, Thank you for the frock - I still have not managed to wear my Happy Day Dress that I bought after h left, wow, that took me weeks to summon up the courage to buy - its still in the bag, wrapped so neatly. Sorry to scare you, sometimes I think , only 13 weeks, I can make it. And some days I think omg, still 13 weeks to go ....not that I have a clue of what I am changing up in 13 weeks, but I tend to make the most random decisions so who knows!! I am sure you will look absolutley delightful in a itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, yellow poker dot bikini ....be daring bttrfly, spread those wings and be proud of who you are :o)
