I Think it's Way Too Late

[1313]

Hi Tim, well - one day at a time - what can I say?
Thanks for asking. I hope you're doing well.

It seems time is going waaay too fast. By the time I get my Mom all sorted out etc. it's already late. I didn't sleep at all last night, and suddenly at around 8:30 I couldn't stay awake, so I took a nap. Ugh.

Deciding I'd try to disappear into my art piece today I ran to the store around 10 to grab some coffee and stuff. I'm still in a total fog when I'm wandering around - it's so weird how your body and brain react to something like this. I've always felt terrible for guys who've had this happen (too many) to them, but now I can really empathize.

So, I'm walking through TJ's (the market) looking for something they used to have but apparently don't any longer. As I walked back down the isle to go to checkout, I looked over to the corner (flower section) and there is one of the W's friends, the one who I believe was a huge enabler for this whole thing. 2 months ago I would have said hi "name"! and gone over and talked with her. I know she saw me as she had a perfect view to the back of the store from this location.

I was wishing I didn't look so zoned out, honestly I look like #%&*. I since all I had to do was turn the corner to have my back turned to her I did, and made my way to the register as far on the other side as I could - which was the express lane. I tried to act as perky as possible, and got out of there.

One of the things you don't think about until you're doing it. I've already stopped shopping at the market I used to go to, partly because it's further away and partly because I don't want to bump into anybody I know, especially the W.

Part of me wishes I had gone over and said something to her, but I don't know what it would have been other than "thanks for letting W and OM meet at your place and never saying anything to me". And really, I'm not so morally bankrupt that if even a good friend of mine was doing something like this - I wouldn't allow them to carry on an affair or help facilitate a meeting spot for them. And, I'd have a serious talk with them as well.

I'm sorry I did design work for them for free - just because they were friends. When I think about it - I've done an awful lot of things for "friends". Where are they now? Don't answer that!

Anyway, I just thought I'd check in so you guys didn't think I was swinging by the rafters in the garage or something.

[TimR]

Hey 1313 can imagine you were caught by surprise with the run in. That's ok, next time you will be ready. Make sure when you go out you look good. I bought clothes just to wear out.

IMHO While it may be uncomfortable, I think you might have wanted to smile and wave. F them make them feel uncomfortable by you acting nice. Imagine her saying to W, 'I saw 13 today, he looks good and seemed in a good mood.' W may think WHAT he is supposed to be miserable because I LEFT him. At least it shows your GALing. Not saying be friends but "Hey! How are you doing." if they engage you and you are not comfortable "Sorry I really gotta get going, I have this thing at___________." Maybe I am wrong on that and maybe you should wait for a vet to chime in...

As far as regrets helping people out, I am right with you. My MIL is actively encouraging wife to leave me and to cheat! She has a Pintrest board labeled "To TR you know who you are... My daughter's loser husband. A BIG LOSER." which she has about 150 terrible quotes for me. YET it was me who put a roof on her garage when she got a letter from codes to either fix it or tear it down... Not her sons but me. And let me tell you I am a lawyer and don't work with my hands for a reason. It took me the entire summer. Yet there she is now, encouraging her daughter to hook up with a piece of sh!t trailer trash who doesn't even have his own place. Literally he lives in his boss's (if you call it that they do odd jobs) home.

But it is good to hear you got out. Stay strong friend!

[1313]

Tim - re: your MIL. Just wow.
Seriously, what joy do these people get with all the hate? That's just heartbreaking. It sounds as if she's got some serious issues of her own to work out. It's terrible she's dragging your W down that road as if she needs any help doing it. The way it sounds even if your W snapped out of it, the MIL wouldn't let her for long. Yeah, I'd want my daughter to be dating some guy who might be able to get a job at a meat packing plant if he could straighten up and work his way up the ladder instead of an attorney.

Yikes.

Yeah, I can't believe I couldn't do something today. I've run that script over and over in my head but when the time came to put the pedal to the metal, I bailed. I think part of it was just being so punchy - this started out as one of those days.

You're right, I've got to anticipate that every time I go out I'll see somebody. Of all the people, this would have been the one to say something to, if only briefly. Especially now that I don't think there's going to be any more contact even with the assistant. So, I totally blew my first chance - at least I feel that way. Yup, this lady is #1 on the list of people that helped this happen.

I wish there were something I could do about the W and her attending this Real Estate class tomorrow as well. I guess I just need to blow this stuff off - and just know if friends buy her side of the story (if you'd call it that), then they're not really friends. But I'd sure love to let a few of them know - especially the coach that she's having an affair. It just really ticks me off that she's got a comfort level I don't believe she should have. I know - detach. let it go. Ugh.

One of these "friends" contacted me over a month ago, asking for some work. I told her what happened (not all of it as I was still in "protect" mode), and that she would need to give me a few days to get my stuff together. She answered back how awful, buck up, stay strong and I'll let you know (she'd been divorced 3 times). Last I heard from her. I can see the ladies siding with the ladies, so it's no big loss. Unfortunately, I can see this affecting my company - it already seems to have done just that as things got really quiet all of a sudden.

[TimR]

Hey 1313, yeah you missed one opportunity but there will be others. I can tell I have missed opportunities as well being caught of guard. NO BIGGY there will be more.

As far as the class, how often is it held. I have been thinking about it and after you are comfortable why can't you attend. W has a comfort level now because she believes you are a depressed mess and that gives her the power. But if these classes are held say every 3 months and you go into the next one all acting confident and the fantasy of the OM is wearing off, how could she not start thinking "uh oh maybe I made a mistake." Even if that is not what she thinks at least you are empowered because you got you mojo (confidence) back.

I think that is one of the things that really hurts the most. When they leave us they take our self esteem with them. We lose all our confidence and spiral down into self doubt.

As far as the business is concerned, business is business. If you are doing a good job she will not be able to sway people away from you, so one of your goals should be (and I am stealing this from someone else on here) "Kill it at work!"

Well I wish you the very best buddy. Remember, tomorrow is a new day!

[1313]

Hi Tim,
just checking in really quick. The L wants me to track down a bunch of docs, on the upside things look really good for me keeping what's left of the trust and the properties. The docs could save me a lot of $. Downside - why is this thing on such a fast track? Apparently, that's what the CA divorce courts are all about.

Anyway - the classes are held all over the bay area, sometimes 2-3 a month. My issue is - it's not that the W is attending, but she is actually part of the business. She helps this lady register people, takes their money, gets them on mailing lists etc.

When we both used to help, I'd help her do what her Husband did (friend who has Parkinson's) as far as set up the audio, move things around, general organization. For a while I was even video recording her seminars.

So, my comfort level would have to be letting the W barb me at her slightest whim, if I could even get into the classes. I have no idea what she told the coach - I know money is money but the coach has turned down plenty of people because they either didn't fit in the class, or she didn't like the way they dressed. I figured I'd have no problem getting in when the 2 of them were not seeing each other - but now all of a sudden the W is back in good graces. Could she be using the D as a sympathy play? You bet.

At least at the moment I'm not going to worry about it. I don't have my license - I got thrown way off on everything and my scheduled test was last month. I couldn't take any sort of test right now, I'm waiting to see if my brain comes back any time soon. I started up the studies again, only to remember how much I'd forgotten and how little I can concentrate.

The other thing that makes me really sad is that because of this falling out between the two - I stopped seeing my friend with Parkinson's. The coach made the relationship strange enough (like insisting I get paid to stay with him while she was traveling), but in hindsight she was probably right. Doing free things because somebody is a friend hasn't worked for me at all it seems. I suppose after almost 60 years I need to reassess what friendship is and how it works.

I'm awfully glad that this D has made me so incredibly cynical.

I'll try to check back in later this evening - thanks for the well wishes Tim, I appreciate it. I hope you're hanging in there as well - or as best you can.

[1313]

Well, today I had my chance at saying "hi" to a mutual friend. I parked next to him at the hardware store, he got out of his minivan and went in. I didn't notice it was him, I just saw somebody get out of the van and walk by. I was looking for the parts I needed to bring in to make sure I didn't screw up.

So I went in, looked at the rack full of goodies and bought the adapter I needed. Found it right away. I walked down the big open isle to the register, and saw him at the register - I'd think he would have seen me at this point. He was finishing up and signing the CC pad.

He started walking out the door (I was behind somebody else) and I not quite shouting said "R!". He didn't seem to hear me, and at that very second over the PA somebody said "R, customer at keys". What are the chances? So I quickly paid and went out to the parking lot, and waved as he drove right by me.

I felt really, really, really low. I'm hoping he just didn't see me or hear me. To be honest, I was next to him once at a register and said hello - it took a second for it to register with him.

But that nagging little POS in the back of my head says he was ignoring me - or didn't want to see me. How did he not see the only guy by the exit door waving? I really like this guy. And, I don't know if the W has talked to him and his partner. I'll just assume that he didn't see me - it's the only thing I can do for now. Ugh.

On the upside, one of our friends called and wants some work - so I'm going to call him, arrange the calendar and not say a thing. I can talk to him face to face about this - and only respond to questions if he wants to know.

I tell you though, a nice guy being the bad guy really stinks.

[1313]

Well, I wonder if I blew it. I can't tell at all - I guess it could go either way.

Last night once my Mom was in bed I went out for a walk. I was feeling incredibly depressed and went to try to clear my head. The neighborhood is basically a subdivided circle, so walking by the old house is almost a necessity without zig-zagging or retracing steps. I wanted a long walk. So, I was going by (old house on cul-de-sac) and I was on the other side of the street, intent on not even looking over. Just as I was going by, the wife pulls out, turns right down the street (the direction I'm going) and drives about 100 yards and stops. I'm thinking to myself "why?". She turns around, does a drive by and I don't look up, I just keep walking. She then turns around at the end of the street, and a few seconds later drives by me again and slowly down the street, watching me.

I seriously didn't want to see her, nor did I want to react to her either. I don't know if this was a bad thing. I guess waving and acting happy would have been the solution, but I couldn't bring myself to it. Of ALL the times, I was feeling so low, so completely decimated I just couldn't cope with any sort of acknowledgement. I know full well where she was going on a Saturday night that late. I just hope maybe she felt a twinge of guilt instead of laughing at me.

The whole drive by thing was completely unnecessary, I don't know what that was about. Does she think I'm going to break into the house? Or was she just trying to make sure I saw her? Maybe it was a warning. I have no idea what she really thinks at this point.

All I know is I'm feeling lower than I have in a while. I've got a tremendous list of docs I need to get together for the L I received Friday afternoon, and can't cope with that either.

So I have to continue to gear up to fight my best friend. I know what Sandi would say - and I need to get over it. She's not feeling even the slightest bit of friendship towards me. She'd treat a pedophile with more compassion.

At Church today I saw the IL's, and the MIL asked how I was doing. I said miserable, and told her how much I miss the W. She said maybe God would work to get us back together. Yeah, that's a tall order when somebody else is in the picture. In a state that prides itself on fast-divorces just like fast-food.

I guess I just have to think of the W as if she had died. I can 180 and as-if myself to death, but with zero communication save for these odd what are the chances encounters it looks pretty gloomy.

[Thornton]

I'm sorry you are struggling. I know that pain all too well.

In my DivorceCare class, they said healing looks like a zig zag on a chart. Ups and downs and steps forward only to fall back again.

You will have those days of feeling decimated. But every now and then, you will a little better. Then you'll get blindsided again.

Just know that what you are feeling is normal. And it will get better.

When will it get better? I have no idea because I'm going through it too. But I have hope. Hope that my life will get better without W.

Sometimes I really fall into my despair, I come here and let it out.

We'll get through this together, 13.

[Imlucky]

Hi 1313

It's part of the process we all have our down days

You need to start focusing on you and your wellbeing and doing what is bed for you. It is a grieving process of what is lost and gone.

I don't know if you can go no contact but it may be needed to look out for your own wellbeing

Keep posting and stick with it
Cheers
Brad

[1313]

Thanks guys. For those who don't know - I moved my mother into one of our properties that's literally 2 blocks away from my "old" house. The idea was that I'd be a minute away if something happened. I did a lot of work out of the house, so it worked great.

Now, not so much. It feels weird to come in the back/long way coming home. But I do because I'm afraid of seeing the W, and whoever she may be with. Last night - well I mean, what were the chances really? I guess pretty good. I thought I was safe at 9:00 at night. She'd either be at home or spending the night at the OM, but not on her way out. Even then, the timing - we're talking like 1 minute, maybe 90 seconds and I'd have been by and turned the corner (it's like 2 blocks, each block is about 4-5 houses).

Yeah, ups and downs. Ugh. It seems there's more downs, perhaps it's because the court date is approaching, and my best friend in the world must be treated like an enemy. Because, she is. And, an enemy would never have been able to get away with what she has because of the trust.

But who am I telling? You've all been through the exact same thing. Anyway, thanks for the kind thoughts.