I Think it's Way Too Late

[1313]

Well, I wonder if I blew it. I can't tell at all - I guess it could go either way.

Last night once my Mom was in bed I went out for a walk. I was feeling incredibly depressed and went to try to clear my head. The neighborhood is basically a subdivided circle, so walking by the old house is almost a necessity without zig-zagging or retracing steps. I wanted a long walk. So, I was going by (old house on cul-de-sac) and I was on the other side of the street, intent on not even looking over. Just as I was going by, the wife pulls out, turns right down the street (the direction I'm going) and drives about 100 yards and stops. I'm thinking to myself "why?". She turns around, does a drive by and I don't look up, I just keep walking. She then turns around at the end of the street, and a few seconds later drives by me again and slowly down the street, watching me.

I seriously didn't want to see her, nor did I want to react to her either. I don't know if this was a bad thing. I guess waving and acting happy would have been the solution, but I couldn't bring myself to it. Of ALL the times, I was feeling so low, so completely decimated I just couldn't cope with any sort of acknowledgement. I know full well where she was going on a Saturday night that late. I just hope maybe she felt a twinge of guilt instead of laughing at me.

The whole drive by thing was completely unnecessary, I don't know what that was about. Does she think I'm going to break into the house? Or was she just trying to make sure I saw her? Maybe it was a warning. I have no idea what she really thinks at this point.

All I know is I'm feeling lower than I have in a while. I've got a tremendous list of docs I need to get together for the L I received Friday afternoon, and can't cope with that either.

So I have to continue to gear up to fight my best friend. I know what Sandi would say - and I need to get over it. She's not feeling even the slightest bit of friendship towards me. She'd treat a pedophile with more compassion.

At Church today I saw the IL's, and the MIL asked how I was doing. I said miserable, and told her how much I miss the W. She said maybe God would work to get us back together. Yeah, that's a tall order when somebody else is in the picture. In a state that prides itself on fast-divorces just like fast-food.

I guess I just have to think of the W as if she had died. I can 180 and as-if myself to death, but with zero communication save for these odd what are the chances encounters it looks pretty gloomy.