Thank you Cadet. I have spent a good deal of time looking through those links and while they provide some hope and comfort, I worry that my sitch is such that I am a new animal so to speak. Affairs, LYBNILWY conversations, etc. all of those things are readily addressed here. However, they seem to be addressed to the LBS. I am the WAH (although I'd gladly go home) because my actions would have caused any slightly rational person to tell me to, "walk away (and do it before I smash your lying face),"
In essence, I'm looking to save a marriage that I don't fully deserve. My W is the victim. My in laws are the victims. My kids are the victims. I don't have the right to be sad or lonely. But I am nonetheless, sad and lonely.
Despite this story, I am a good guy. I am. I used to be the guy that would chase someone down in the street if they dropped their wallet. Now I'm the guy that would run the other direction in that situation; wallet in my pocket.
One thing I have now is little left to lose in terms of self respect and character. Two things I have prided myself on my entire life.
I have turned my family's lives upside down. Do I even deserve to be forgiven? I'm not sure. I can tell you that when I start thinking about things that way, I get super depressed and don't see the point of recovery. That perhaps everyone would be better off if I just disappeared. Not suicide disappearing. More like "poof," gone.
It's hard being the jerk that is asking for support and understanding for being a jerk.
The upside is that with 30+ days sober, I have a clarity of thought that I haven't had in years. According to others who have been sober for much longer, this clarity is nothing compared to what it will be in a year.
I'll be checking back here, curious about responses. I am doing two AA meetings today. Really, they're one of the few things that afford me some peace and comfort in this tough time. Never one to be indoctrinated, I have swallowed the AA philosophy fully and asked for seconds.
