So sorry to hear how badly things have turned on you. It will be hard but it sounds like you have a plan. You have grown a LOT since I started reading your posts and you'll continue to grow. I hope the best for you. Be well. Vaya con dios.
Me:44 W:38 T:10.5 M:7.5 D:3 BD: 7/2015 W moves out of MBR: 9/2015 WW files for D: 2/8/2016
I'm glad they help (& I'm sending you some as well).
What is good in your situation, is how you don't solely focus on OM, b/c you seem to own your stuff and your role in the situation. Honestly, most people focus only on the OP as if everything was "great, UNTIL OP showed up" and that prevents real change from happening. It detracts from a path of growth and change.
You're more honest and brave about this. I really commend you for that.
As long as you continue to address the issues you have and want, (e.g., the porn issues and whatever else you think is valid)
it means you are reducing the chance of this happening again, in any relationship. In the end, that's all we can do; i.e., reduce the chance of our hurting a loved one AND OR having them leave us or hurt us b/c of it.
There has never been a guarantee in any relationship, which is sometimes very hard to accept.
I can see how hard it would be with the kids believing one thing, and you knowing another. But as for what your kids will ultimately believe about you and or what your W will learn from all this, every single "lesson" I can imagine anyone learning, takes TIME. And it's not your job to teach this lesson.
Only in time, can you kids see that you are a good catch, and only in TIME will your wife learn what OM and or you, are made of. And only with the benefit of TIME will she ever ask herself if all this was necessary.
Remember that if you continued in your prior behaviors, she would have consoled herself with the thought that You "never changed" and thus, she was "right to be with OM", etc
Give yourself some time. Get on track with your program and Maybe do it in 90 day increments of GAL and detaching and get through this.
Then reassess options. Continue to make porn a past behavior.
But EXPECT her to raise it as an issue. Your factual statement that you "have addressed this", will steal the thunder she thinks she has, the power she thinks she has over you.
Once that balloon is deflated, along with whatever else her claims are, which are also being addressed, what's left? Here's the "math" of it.
"consistent change + sufficient time = change she/they can believe in".
The calmer you remain, the more in control you are and the stronger you project yourself as. This^^ is never easy - but it's also not complicated.
Clarify your short term goals, knowing that long term goals are also served, and focus on GAL and Time...
(I can't see how anyone can detach without GAL, btw)...
Stay on your path. We are all rooting for you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I do know a couple wherein the H had an affair, his w found out and they divorced. He married the OW. He blamed the LBW for the affair and for forcing him to leave. (He also pretended to "meet" the OW later, after the divorce).
Only years later, after the first w had remarried, happily, did the kids see more of the truth.
Their mom was not what their father claimed. But what really matters is that SHE was happier.
Their dad wasn't great with his 2nd wife (the original OW). He was critical and eventually, deceitful. So, HIS cycle continued.
The truth that counts will be revealed in time. Even if the kids never know exactly what happened when (and do they really need all the details? The problem with revealing the OM is that your wife could then point at your behaviors "causing" her to look elsewhere, etc)
As long as you know what it is happening now and "From this day forward", b/c no one can change yesterday, maybe that's all that really matters.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Let the crazy train keep on rolling; you don't need that in your life.
I know it's tough, but remember that we can only clean up our side of the street. It [censored] that she can't commit to the NC that you had both established, and you chose how you responded to the breech.
So what's the next step, man? Where do you go from here?
Wife's L wants to not go to the judge. That we can work out things 'amicably'.
This is now 99% headed for D. I have no clue how wife can rationalize her behavior, or probably losing her church... it's going to be tough.
What do I want, and what can I live with? That's the question. Do I want the house? No. Do I want custody? Yes. Could I live with 50/50? Yes. Do I want W out of the house? Y. Could I live with her for the next 6 months in house? Y, but it's going to be tough.
I'm taking it one day at a time.
W has told kids and pastor, as well as friends, that OM is 'just a friend'... a friend she texts and calls for hours during the day, has professed love to, and has wanted to have sex with for months. Only the distance stops her from getting what she wants. Learned that OM is still in the heat of battle in his D, so another 6 months at least until he's free of his marriage. So, a married man, lonely, reaches out for my hurting wife, gets her heart to commit to him, with 3 hours between them. I looked at IL iPass usage - my W never went to IL. So, he either came up, or they haven't met since Sept. That's just an amazing about of non-contact for her and him, but I guess an EA is an EA, and her heart is all the way there.
She's making such a huge, tragic mistake. I cannot stop the train. It's so, so sad, and when I cry, it's not for W anymore - it's for the kids, and the life they could have had.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
I hate it when parents say 'kids are resilient', because usually that is used to excuse selfishly tearing apart their lives. The truth is that divorce is a permanent lifelong trauma that will not only affect them forever directly, it will impact their relationships, and those of their children as well. It is destructive for generations and causes more pain than we can put a figure on.
That said...they ARE resilient, and they will grow to be happy and healthy, and even if their marriages too end in divorce, they will recover from those experiences as you will.
All I can compare it too is if they were permanently in a wheelchair. Of course they will miss out on experiences that can't be replaced. But that doesn't mean they won't live full lives.
I am not minimizing that loss. I just want you to know that my children are having some amazing times with me right now, see my thread. The fact that I am not with their mom is irrelevant, we are having so much fun it hardly matters. I'm not pretending it didn't happen, and I make time for them to talk to me when it bothers them. But this is the turf we have to play on, so I say bring it on and let's play some ball!
Hang in T.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Second time I've had to talk to an officer in a week.
This time, after a short discussion, and her asking why I have to make things so difficult with the divorce, I asked why she was still wearing her wedding ring. She said she thought I'd take it.
I asked her for it, and she gave it to me! Great. She said I could have it. A minute later she comes back and wants it back... WTF? I said no. She did ask me a few more times, and each time I told her she had given it to me, and so that the discussion was over.
She called the cops and told them I had stolen her ring from her and wouldn't give it back.
I think the cops had a bit of a chuckle out of it.
She has really started to come unhinged.
The kids now know that the divorce is back on again. My W is repeating to anyone, including the kids, that OM is just a friend, and will never be more than that. That me asking for him to be out of her life is absurd, since he's just a friend, and that 15 years of mental abuse I've given her is justification enough for the divorce. Being a christian woman, she's using my pornography as adultery, giving her freedom to divorce me.
I'll be putting together my financials soon. I'm not in a rush, and my lawyer isn't either - we have a mandatory 120 days in WI as a cool-off period. With the stay order, and the re-engagment of the D, I think we are probably only 2 weeks into the official 4 month hold. July might even be early.
I cannot understand how a woman, my wife, has gone so far off the rails, and so far out of reality. A conservative Christian woman, who has a guilty conscience so large it drarfs almost all others I know. How love, and sin, can so manipulate a heart into believing up is down and left is right.
I truly think there is now no way to stop this train.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Trump, I have always been keeping up on your thread tho not posting as it seemed like you were getting lots of good support and advice. And I'm not here to give advice.
I want to tell you I am praying for you. It sounds like things are very hard right now and it is weighing on your mind heavily. I know you are a devout Christian and truly believe in Him. Keep the faith, keep believing in Him and yourself. Act as tho He is beside you when you act and speak. Because he is.
Stay strong Trumpet and be the man you want to be for yourself and your children.
It seems like the dark days may never end sometimes. However sometimes darkness can show you the light my friend. Be strong. Do not let your faith waiver.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
I know what you are going through is gruesomely hard but wanted to commend you for standing up to your wayward wife. Making her mad and bringing the natural consequences of her behavior to the forefront is actually the best chance you have of breaking her sinful spirit.
She almost broke before and tried to hold out and go "no contact" but just as I told you the pull of the affair and withdrawal almost always result in a little bit more contact followed either by absolute "no contact" OR what your wife is doing....doubling down on the affair because withdrawal did nothing other than convince her that her feelings for OM were real based upon the rush she felt when she started talking to him again.
In my situation, I did as you and I calmly talked to her. OM was long distance so them meeting up wasn't an issue so, despite her nastiness....I just explained to her exactly how she was feeling and why she was feeling it. It was kind of wasted breath until she understood it herself. It's near impossible to "teach" a wayward but what I did do was just keep saying "no" to her. She had no money. No job. No hope of relocating our children to OM's state. She just wanted to cake eat and continue deciding NOTHING about the future. Her affair was completely unworkable as a long term relationship. OM couldn't pay for her to visit and I wasn't "allowing" her to leave. I wasn't going to play the part of the fool while she decided OUR lives.
I see you doing the same thing. Accepting the divorce as likely and fighting things hard on that front now is your best option. Don't forego the motion for exclusive use of the house. Even if you lose you are setting the tone for the whole case with that first hearing in front of your judge being all about your wife's outrageous conduct. You shout for full custody, hope for PRIMARY custody with 50/50 and JOINT PRIMARY being the minimum. (Remember....if she divorces you she's never going to escape this wayward mentality and she'll never become a good parent again. Her darkness, unfortunately, becomes permanent and your children need protection from her even if they don't know it). The more custody you get the less likely she can ever file a modification motion on you seeking to relocate her and the children out of state. What can happen is after your divorce becomes final she immediately remarries OM who lives in another state. The court could actually approve that as one legitimate reason in her favor (among other factors) to allow her to relocate.
Also....in court don't go overboard "owning" your porn problem. The court is not church. The judge won't be granting you absolution. Instead he or she will be weighing blame as potentially one of the factors in your divorce case including custody dispute or in computing alimony. Therefore, don't ever refer to it as some addiction or anything she complained about constantly. Instead it's an issue that is embarrassing, that you haven't done in 4, 5, 8 months and feel you have addressed. Emphasize that until you wife had a relationship with OM, it wasn't a problem and since then you've eliminated it and yet she still choose to continue her relationship with OM. Use it as a chance to demonstrate in court that OM is the most pressing and overall issue in the breakdown of the marital relationship...not her justifications and rationalizations for continuing the affair. I'm just guessing but typically way wards like to bring up rationalizations and justifications AFTER they start a relationship with someone else. Sure she didn't like it and maybe even griped about it. It was probably a convenient resentment for her to withhold her intimacy in the relationship as well. It would have been much harder for her to rationalize not having sex with you had she not had the crutch of your supposed porn addiction. Amazingly, once couples recover.... I have found that (non-obsessive and irregular) porn use and other issues the wayward had with their betrayed husband just become these total backseat issues once love is restored into the marriage. In other words...it isn't that you looked at porn ever that's the issue it's that your wife doesn't (didn't) feel loved and cherished by you. Don't get me wrong. It's good you stopped and took control. It's good you apologized. You just don't have to own any part of your wife's choice to cheat on you (and her family) because you used porn in a public courtroom or elsewhere. Consider this....why does she get to justify her relationship with OM based upon your porn use but you can't justify your porn use on her breaking her vows and withholding sexual relations?? Almost every married man I've met with this issue would give up porn in a second if their wives agreed to have sex with them whenever they wanted (within reason). If it's that easy to give up...it's not a true addiction. As far as court....your porn use may certainly been a very bad sinful habit that you've since stopped, repented of and apologized for but calling it an addiction is hyperbole. In court, I feel labeling it as an addiction makes it sound as though you couldn't control yourself and were looking at porn everywhere ---- on your phone, your computer, your apple watch, in front of your kids, in church, on headphones. It also implies that other behaviors that root themselves in porn could be present - like drug use, prostitution, strip bars, call girls and massage parlors. It could make you appear a riskier custodial parent and the judge could use admissions as justification to award your wife more alimony...essentially saying your marital misconduct was the primary reason for the divorce (which it is NOT). Now that you are going to be fighting a court battle how you frame the issue becomes important ....especially if ever in writing..consult carefully with your attorney and be sure your wife never finds your thread here where you've taken on way too much blame for her choices.
Your wife turned around last time she neared rock bottom and you found her pouring over family pictures in her bed crying. The loss of marital and family history is significant. OM is a stranger.....you are not. I still think that considering your wife's justifications and rationalizations you are better off NOT completely going dark on her and shutting her out. Continue with your GAL but don't pass up opportunities to talk to her IF and WHEN she pursues having conversations. Don't argue. Stay calm. Let her continue to voice her anger and upsettedness. You don't have to win the argument you just have to listen. Don't say "i love you" but do be honest when you tell her that you'd be willing to work on your marriage but that her relationship with OM is devastating to you and must end before you will commit to anything (including negotiating the divorce - do NOT discuss divorce with her....let your attorney handle it and if she's unhappy with things....blame your attorney and merely tell her you'll talk to your attorney about it while promising nothing). At some point cut off the abuse and get out of there to protect yourself emotionally but being willing to meet her need for communication and listen to her will help you someday if and when she turns from her sin and repents.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
