Obviously I am new here and while I haven't read The Divorce Rememdy yet, it is being shipped as I type.
What I have done is read many of the posts on this board while waiting for my registration to be approved and while I find some similarities, mostly in how I'm handling my situation, there is no story quite like mine.
Before I start, I offer this disclaimer:I am the jerk. I made a mess of my marriage. I am completely to blame for the seriously messed up series of events I am about to describe. My wife is an innocent victim, and not the only one.
I have read enough posts to get some of the signature abbreviations down so I'll give you those too.
Me 46. H 40 2 kids S10, D12 T:16 Y, M: 14 Y BD 1/24/19 Sep 1/24/19
I am an alcoholic and drug addict. I have been for a very long time, I am now learning. Since alcoholism and addiction are progressive in nature, the symptoms and behaviors started out pretty mild but grew more and more destructive as the years went on. I am also a professional (teacher) who has been, for the most part, very high functioning. I have had no legal issues, there has been no domestic violence in the home, our home is pretty loving and supportive to our kids who want for nothing (until now) and despite lots of arguments (some very stupid, some very damaging) my wife and I have loved each other intensely for the entirety of our marriage. We are an average suburban family, or we were rather.
My descent into the insanity of alcoholism started plainly enough. I would act stupid when drinking. I typically drank too much and when I did, I was an embarrassment to behold. In my W's mind's eye, I have ruined several family functions and vacations; most notably, her brother's wedding where I as a groomsman, smashed a bottle of whiskey against the side of the church where their ceremony took place. Granted, there were only a few witnesses, but that doesn't change the act.
Years passed and there were many lies I lived. One was that I was only drinking 1-2 beers here and there. Then, I would hide liquor around the house and eventually it would be found. I'd promise to stop, lie about my drinking, get caught, more trust damaged. It became an ongoing cycle over the course of about 10 years.
Now, I must digress, in this time, there were many, many good times during these years. Also, my wife has her own history with bulimia, weight issues and anxiety. We also drank heavily together as a young couple in our engagement and early marriage. Well, essentially, she grew up. I didn't. We had our two kids who I adore and are my reason for living right now in addition to my job as an elementary school teacher.
Brief history for me. I was a neglected child with a mentally ill single mother who died in 2006 at age 52 with complications from type II diabetes. The love of my life, and my guardian angel, was my grandmother who died in 2007 from liver cancer. I was an adult in college at this point and this was very difficult with 2 children and working 2-3 part time jobs. My wife remained largely supportive although I would characterize her as sort of a nag. But, looking back, she had plenty to nag about. When I am in relationship with alcohol or drugs, I don't have to be currently intoxicated, I am a jerk. My brain doesn't work right. I don't interpret people correctly and I isolate myself. However, we trudged on and today, I can see more clearly than I ever have that my wife was an angel of mercy who saw me through all my sins (have to credit Aerosmith for that line).
I could get into more detail but this is getting pretty long. The one thing my wife did that could possibly be considered "wrong," was about a year ago, and it was definitely in response to my increasing isolation and insane behavior. My wife developed what I truly believe (now) was a friendship with a guy on her softball team. This was a text friendship and she hid it from me and I understand why. I was paranoid and out of control with my drinking and increasingly isolative. I discovered the friendship in a fight and a paranoid look at our cell phone bill. There were many texts, but through my investigation, I found that these were mostly group texts (time stamps confirmed that. Multiple numbers/same time stamp = group text). She did delete the texts which caused me some concern but what was more concerning was my reaction. I called the man 10-12 times, his phone was off, I verbally threatened him with violence and telling his wife about the situation. The man called me back the next day really confused (act? not sure. Choosing to believe that he was honestly confused.) and I told him I would, "cut him," if I, "caught him sniffing around my wife again." I flew off the handle, freaked out and rallied anyone who would listen to empathize with me about my lying wife and her "emotional affair." I was verbally abusive and unrelentingly punitive to my wife and turned an issue that could have just began and ended with, "Did you sleep with him? No. ANY physical contact? No. Ok. Cut it out." I can confirm for sure no physical contact because first, a huge lack of opportunity. I always knew where she was and secondly, this friendship was part of a larger group of friends who would never support my wife being even emotionally unfaithful. I'm ok with these beliefs but it took a while and I was a miserable, whiny, crying, negative jerk for a good 6-8 months. The bottom line is though, she did lie to me. She hid something. And she always touted her honesty as compared to my lack of. A few months after this, I discovered that she deleted another text and decided to keep it from me from her principal (she's also a teacher) that was a little inappropriate for a boss to be sending to an employee but it was clear that it wasn't reciprocated or invited. She says she deleted it and tried to keep it from me because of the reaction to the other sitch. Ok. There's two lies compared to my many. My self esteem, already not the greatest, took a nosedive and I grew darker and more isolated. The insane alcoholic thinking anyone with this issue understands all too well became my reality. Not good.
This next part is pretty hard to put out for public judgment but it is my reality and it is part of my battle right now. Over the past maybe 8-10 months, where my alcoholism was at its worst level, I began compulsively stealing. I shoplifted several things. But the worst part of this, is that I began stealing cash from my father in law's wallet (stored in a kitchen drawer) a few times a month. $20 here, $40 there when we went over for dinner. While I looked them in the face as loving in laws, accepted Christmas and birthday gifts from them, while they gave everything they could to my children, I stole from them. I did use the money for my secret drinking but there was more to it than that. I didn't need or want the money; leading me to believe that it was another one of my addictive behaviors (along with drugs, alcohol, porn, gambling). Well, duh, the idiot I am. I got caught. While I knew it was wrong, my thinking at the time, lying to me about having a disease and a problem, also lied to me about what would happen if caught. I was confronted and I left our home at my wife's request. I damaged my children because they were right there when I left and were beside themselves with grief. A few nights in a hotel led to staying with an aunt where I am now.
I am also in full admission of my problems and seeking the treatment I have never sought before. I have been 30 days sober (I know, good but still, 30 days vs years) and I attend AA meetings daily (sometimes twice a day), go to outpatient treatment and see a psychiatrist so I can be in recovery from these issues.
I have been out of the house for a little over a month and much of our communication has been through texts. I have done the begging and pleading route because I am so doubly fragile due to the sitch and being in early, early recovery.
My wife has gone from "we are DONE! No questions, no discussion," to, "after you get some sobriety under your belt, we can talk about visitation/finances but I don't know if I can ever trust you again," to where we are right now, which is, "after some initial proof of sobriety (urine screens at outpatient treatment), I need at least 6 months of a separation to try and figure out what I want to do. We will speak to a joint counselor of some sort to try and uncover whether or not there is anything salvageable here." So, there is some progress but I have a lot of guilt and a lot of embarrassment. This isn't who I am, but it is who I have become.
I want to save my marriage. She has still identified as loving me. She has also stated that she could forgive me someday but is unsure if she can ever trust me again. Most of her communication with me has been along the lines of, "our marriage is not your focus right now. Focus on getting better so you can be the father your kids deserve," which I take to mean, "we are really done. You're just the kids' dad now." Understandably, she is devastated and angry. She doesn't want to talk R at all. Of course, that has been all I want to talk about. I love my wife, I love my kids and that has never wavered. However, these truths were buried under the addiction and isms. I feel now as if I have woken from a bad dream, watching someone else do these things and now I'm in an even worse nightmare because I'm not home. I have done my whining but it doesn't work and right now, I want to be committed to what works because I am dead set on saving my life for my kids and my marriage in that order. I am following the rules and suggestions at AA. I have a sponsor, do service work and have integrated into that community quickly. Yes, there is an element of doing this for "us." However, I am also doing it for me. I have no doubt that the next things to go after my marriage would have been in this order.
1. Job 2. Ability to care for kids 3. Life. (Early death).
Understandably, everyone is angry at me. I have sent one letter to my in laws apologizing. The letter contained a $100 bill and the expression of my intent to send more every time I could. This is also for me. It is crucial to my recovery that I participate in some type of restorative justice.
I know this is a long, long post. I apologize. I also do not have any fantasies about being warmly welcomed. This is going to elicit some very strong responses in some and I get that because it has elicited a strong response in me. I am the scumbag that I swore to myself I would never become. Don't let anyone ever tell you though that alcoholism isn't a disease because nothing short of a disease would cause someone to act like this. If you told 10 people who have known me for any length of time that this stealing and other behavior occurred, they'd say you were nuts and their entire perception would change upon finding it was true. In other words. This is not who I am, it is who I have become and it is who possibly ruined my marriage.
I also realize that this may not be the correct place to seek support or help so if it isn't, I thank you for reading my version of War & Peace and apologize in advance for taking your time.
