Obviously I am new here and while I haven't read The Divorce Rememdy yet, it is being shipped as I type.
What I have done is read many of the posts on this board while waiting for my registration to be approved and while I find some similarities, mostly in how I'm handling my situation, there is no story quite like mine.
Before I start, I offer this disclaimer:I am the jerk. I made a mess of my marriage. I am completely to blame for the seriously messed up series of events I am about to describe. My wife is an innocent victim, and not the only one.
I have read enough posts to get some of the signature abbreviations down so I'll give you those too.
Me 46. H 40 2 kids S10, D12 T:16 Y, M: 14 Y BD 1/24/19 Sep 1/24/19
I am an alcoholic and drug addict. I have been for a very long time, I am now learning. Since alcoholism and addiction are progressive in nature, the symptoms and behaviors started out pretty mild but grew more and more destructive as the years went on. I am also a professional (teacher) who has been, for the most part, very high functioning. I have had no legal issues, there has been no domestic violence in the home, our home is pretty loving and supportive to our kids who want for nothing (until now) and despite lots of arguments (some very stupid, some very damaging) my wife and I have loved each other intensely for the entirety of our marriage. We are an average suburban family, or we were rather.
My descent into the insanity of alcoholism started plainly enough. I would act stupid when drinking. I typically drank too much and when I did, I was an embarrassment to behold. In my W's mind's eye, I have ruined several family functions and vacations; most notably, her brother's wedding where I as a groomsman, smashed a bottle of whiskey against the side of the church where their ceremony took place. Granted, there were only a few witnesses, but that doesn't change the act.
Years passed and there were many lies I lived. One was that I was only drinking 1-2 beers here and there. Then, I would hide liquor around the house and eventually it would be found. I'd promise to stop, lie about my drinking, get caught, more trust damaged. It became an ongoing cycle over the course of about 10 years.
Now, I must digress, in this time, there were many, many good times during these years. Also, my wife has her own history with bulimia, weight issues and anxiety. We also drank heavily together as a young couple in our engagement and early marriage. Well, essentially, she grew up. I didn't. We had our two kids who I adore and are my reason for living right now in addition to my job as an elementary school teacher.
Brief history for me. I was a neglected child with a mentally ill single mother who died in 2006 at age 52 with complications from type II diabetes. The love of my life, and my guardian angel, was my grandmother who died in 2007 from liver cancer. I was an adult in college at this point and this was very difficult with 2 children and working 2-3 part time jobs. My wife remained largely supportive although I would characterize her as sort of a nag. But, looking back, she had plenty to nag about. When I am in relationship with alcohol or drugs, I don't have to be currently intoxicated, I am a jerk. My brain doesn't work right. I don't interpret people correctly and I isolate myself. However, we trudged on and today, I can see more clearly than I ever have that my wife was an angel of mercy who saw me through all my sins (have to credit Aerosmith for that line).
I could get into more detail but this is getting pretty long. The one thing my wife did that could possibly be considered "wrong," was about a year ago, and it was definitely in response to my increasing isolation and insane behavior. My wife developed what I truly believe (now) was a friendship with a guy on her softball team. This was a text friendship and she hid it from me and I understand why. I was paranoid and out of control with my drinking and increasingly isolative. I discovered the friendship in a fight and a paranoid look at our cell phone bill. There were many texts, but through my investigation, I found that these were mostly group texts (time stamps confirmed that. Multiple numbers/same time stamp = group text). She did delete the texts which caused me some concern but what was more concerning was my reaction. I called the man 10-12 times, his phone was off, I verbally threatened him with violence and telling his wife about the situation. The man called me back the next day really confused (act? not sure. Choosing to believe that he was honestly confused.) and I told him I would, "cut him," if I, "caught him sniffing around my wife again." I flew off the handle, freaked out and rallied anyone who would listen to empathize with me about my lying wife and her "emotional affair." I was verbally abusive and unrelentingly punitive to my wife and turned an issue that could have just began and ended with, "Did you sleep with him? No. ANY physical contact? No. Ok. Cut it out." I can confirm for sure no physical contact because first, a huge lack of opportunity. I always knew where she was and secondly, this friendship was part of a larger group of friends who would never support my wife being even emotionally unfaithful. I'm ok with these beliefs but it took a while and I was a miserable, whiny, crying, negative jerk for a good 6-8 months. The bottom line is though, she did lie to me. She hid something. And she always touted her honesty as compared to my lack of. A few months after this, I discovered that she deleted another text and decided to keep it from me from her principal (she's also a teacher) that was a little inappropriate for a boss to be sending to an employee but it was clear that it wasn't reciprocated or invited. She says she deleted it and tried to keep it from me because of the reaction to the other sitch. Ok. There's two lies compared to my many. My self esteem, already not the greatest, took a nosedive and I grew darker and more isolated. The insane alcoholic thinking anyone with this issue understands all too well became my reality. Not good.
This next part is pretty hard to put out for public judgment but it is my reality and it is part of my battle right now. Over the past maybe 8-10 months, where my alcoholism was at its worst level, I began compulsively stealing. I shoplifted several things. But the worst part of this, is that I began stealing cash from my father in law's wallet (stored in a kitchen drawer) a few times a month. $20 here, $40 there when we went over for dinner. While I looked them in the face as loving in laws, accepted Christmas and birthday gifts from them, while they gave everything they could to my children, I stole from them. I did use the money for my secret drinking but there was more to it than that. I didn't need or want the money; leading me to believe that it was another one of my addictive behaviors (along with drugs, alcohol, porn, gambling). Well, duh, the idiot I am. I got caught. While I knew it was wrong, my thinking at the time, lying to me about having a disease and a problem, also lied to me about what would happen if caught. I was confronted and I left our home at my wife's request. I damaged my children because they were right there when I left and were beside themselves with grief. A few nights in a hotel led to staying with an aunt where I am now.
I am also in full admission of my problems and seeking the treatment I have never sought before. I have been 30 days sober (I know, good but still, 30 days vs years) and I attend AA meetings daily (sometimes twice a day), go to outpatient treatment and see a psychiatrist so I can be in recovery from these issues.
I have been out of the house for a little over a month and much of our communication has been through texts. I have done the begging and pleading route because I am so doubly fragile due to the sitch and being in early, early recovery.
My wife has gone from "we are DONE! No questions, no discussion," to, "after you get some sobriety under your belt, we can talk about visitation/finances but I don't know if I can ever trust you again," to where we are right now, which is, "after some initial proof of sobriety (urine screens at outpatient treatment), I need at least 6 months of a separation to try and figure out what I want to do. We will speak to a joint counselor of some sort to try and uncover whether or not there is anything salvageable here." So, there is some progress but I have a lot of guilt and a lot of embarrassment. This isn't who I am, but it is who I have become.
I want to save my marriage. She has still identified as loving me. She has also stated that she could forgive me someday but is unsure if she can ever trust me again. Most of her communication with me has been along the lines of, "our marriage is not your focus right now. Focus on getting better so you can be the father your kids deserve," which I take to mean, "we are really done. You're just the kids' dad now." Understandably, she is devastated and angry. She doesn't want to talk R at all. Of course, that has been all I want to talk about. I love my wife, I love my kids and that has never wavered. However, these truths were buried under the addiction and isms. I feel now as if I have woken from a bad dream, watching someone else do these things and now I'm in an even worse nightmare because I'm not home. I have done my whining but it doesn't work and right now, I want to be committed to what works because I am dead set on saving my life for my kids and my marriage in that order. I am following the rules and suggestions at AA. I have a sponsor, do service work and have integrated into that community quickly. Yes, there is an element of doing this for "us." However, I am also doing it for me. I have no doubt that the next things to go after my marriage would have been in this order.
1. Job 2. Ability to care for kids 3. Life. (Early death).
Understandably, everyone is angry at me. I have sent one letter to my in laws apologizing. The letter contained a $100 bill and the expression of my intent to send more every time I could. This is also for me. It is crucial to my recovery that I participate in some type of restorative justice.
I know this is a long, long post. I apologize. I also do not have any fantasies about being warmly welcomed. This is going to elicit some very strong responses in some and I get that because it has elicited a strong response in me. I am the scumbag that I swore to myself I would never become. Don't let anyone ever tell you though that alcoholism isn't a disease because nothing short of a disease would cause someone to act like this. If you told 10 people who have known me for any length of time that this stealing and other behavior occurred, they'd say you were nuts and their entire perception would change upon finding it was true. In other words. This is not who I am, it is who I have become and it is who possibly ruined my marriage.
I also realize that this may not be the correct place to seek support or help so if it isn't, I thank you for reading my version of War & Peace and apologize in advance for taking your time.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you Cadet. I have spent a good deal of time looking through those links and while they provide some hope and comfort, I worry that my sitch is such that I am a new animal so to speak. Affairs, LYBNILWY conversations, etc. all of those things are readily addressed here. However, they seem to be addressed to the LBS. I am the WAH (although I'd gladly go home) because my actions would have caused any slightly rational person to tell me to, "walk away (and do it before I smash your lying face),"
In essence, I'm looking to save a marriage that I don't fully deserve. My W is the victim. My in laws are the victims. My kids are the victims. I don't have the right to be sad or lonely. But I am nonetheless, sad and lonely.
Despite this story, I am a good guy. I am. I used to be the guy that would chase someone down in the street if they dropped their wallet. Now I'm the guy that would run the other direction in that situation; wallet in my pocket.
One thing I have now is little left to lose in terms of self respect and character. Two things I have prided myself on my entire life.
I have turned my family's lives upside down. Do I even deserve to be forgiven? I'm not sure. I can tell you that when I start thinking about things that way, I get super depressed and don't see the point of recovery. That perhaps everyone would be better off if I just disappeared. Not suicide disappearing. More like "poof," gone.
It's hard being the jerk that is asking for support and understanding for being a jerk.
The upside is that with 30+ days sober, I have a clarity of thought that I haven't had in years. According to others who have been sober for much longer, this clarity is nothing compared to what it will be in a year.
I'll be checking back here, curious about responses. I am doing two AA meetings today. Really, they're one of the few things that afford me some peace and comfort in this tough time. Never one to be indoctrinated, I have swallowed the AA philosophy fully and asked for seconds.
Welcome and Im sorry you find yourself here. The way you view yourself needs to change. It will not help you to better yourself. Beating yourself down does not work. It has the opposite effect. Addiction is tough but treatable. Ambivalence about not using will make you crazy. But normal. You cant change what has been done. And you cant predict what is coming. But you can deal with what is presented today in the right now. AA is a good thing. Also try a counselor and do some therapy. Your W will want to see actions. Words and promises dont mean anything to her any longer.
Most importantly....do the right thing for you and not to save the M (and I pray that you do save it).
Post often it will really help you
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Thank you Rick. I actually have a very aggressive treatment plan in place which consists of practically daily AA meetings. A group therapy 1x a week facilitated by my psychiatrist who I also see individually and I am starting outpatient drug/alcohol treatment which will be two nights a week. I hear what you're saying and I thank you because I need to hear it and hear it and hear it. It is very difficult to not beat myself silly and I have a lot of work to do. One thing I am focusing on is consistency.
There is one area in which I am very fortunate. The treatment and recovery plan I am starting to work has two potential benefits. One is that I get sober and stay sober and improve my quality of life. Another is that I have the opportunity to show my family that I'm committed to change and to being the dad and husband they need. Therefore, when I get down and driven by wanting my marriage back, what I'm doing is also good for me and when I'm focused on me, it also helps my reconciliation efforts.
My WH is a compulsive gambler, alcoholic, smoker and abuser and as yet has not wanted to change. I attend Gamanon even though at this point I want D.
Firstly, 30 days sober is a terrific achievement for you.
Secondly addiction is a life long journey one day at a time.
Finally, if you truly work the 12 steps then you will achieve Serenity.
---------------------------------------------
Acceptance means knowing that you can not do this journey alone. There are others here who have had addictions and are in recovery.
You will build your support structure here and can be as valued a contributor as any other poster.
Realise that you too are a target of your addiction and that one of those to whom you can atone (step 9) is yourself.
The most important thing right now for you is sobriety and healing. This means taking extreme care of yourself. Extreme nutrition, sleep and spirituality. That connection with your higher power is absolutely vital to you.
I would encourage you to think about your self talk about your addictions.
With regard to your W it is likely she was codependent, in being codependent she is responsible for who she is. She has her own journey to healing which is her concern not yours.
I do not consider myself to be a victim in any way with my WH. In 12 steps each of us learns we are responsible for ourselves.
The 12 step way will help you become the man you would like to become for your family. You are not alone in reaching for healing on this board with addictions.
Addiction particularly alcohol is very damaging to your body and brain and whilst the detox will be short, it will take at least 6 to 9 months for your physiology to calm and longer if you do not take extreme care of you. This is not an easy path to walk.
Come here wanting to DB for you and that is the best reason, be prepared to share your journey with the wonderful folks here and be prepared to listen and learn. You will have much to offer others as you walk your road.
It is for your higher power to judge you and give you absolution, and for you to seek that. Ask and you shall be forgiven. Work the 12 steps and peace will come.
At this stage you come first in recovery everything else stems from that without it then decline is likely. It will not help you to think of your family as 'victims', think of them as survivors and if you recover thrivers. You can be the leader for your family in your recovery.
My prayers are with you
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
In addition to sharing a screen name with my favorite smell in the world (totally not kidding! Candles, women's perfume, you name it. The flavor is pretty awesome too), yours are some of the kindest, most encouraging words anyone has offered to me in a very long time. Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out to me in such supportive detail.
In order to try and balance the void left by losing my best friend (temporarily I hope) I need to surround myself with supporters but that doesn't mean that I need blind support. Sometimes, as evidenced by the athletic supporter (or "jock strap,") the right support can be painful, but it is still support. I'd love it if my wife could be that support for me and I for her but this is a very, very raw situation and we are both very damaged. I will try not to beat myself down too much but it's tough. I screwed up. I should know better and that's what I'm learning; that no matter what I should know, alcohol and drugs are smarter and more resourceful than I am or could ever hope to be standing alone.
I fully believe that it is the stealing from her parents that pushed her over the edge. Had this been just another lie uncovered, I might be home by now. But it's not just any lie.
I also believe that these circumstances exist for me right now because I needed to be where I am to fully hit my bottom. Just being caught drinking again wouldn't have saved me. Hurting people who have always been very good to me, on the other hand..... I believe that there is a higher power that has a plan for me and that right now is part of that plan.
Initially, being an agnostic, I was worried about the higher power piece of AA and other 12 step groups. However, the "Big Book of AA," has a chapter for that. Alcoholism has helped me to ignore spirituality and faith and I did have to take a different path than just having "God," be a higher power. I chose my grandmother, or Mee Maw, who I described as passing away in 2007 in my intro post, to be my higher power. While I don't know if she's standing behind me or above me or around me, I "channel," her, so to speak, when I make the mistake of trying to exercise my own will. WWMD (what would MeeMaw do?) has become my mantra.
At any rate, thank you for the warm welcome and while I plan on listening to the wisdom of others, I hope that there truly is something I can offer someone else.
I'm sorry your husband is not wiling to seek help. The disease is cunning, baffling, powerful, as you are well aware.
stop labeling yourself as this and that. You are a person first and foremost. I know for a fact that you always meant well. You always deep inside wanted and would help if asked. Right?
Pot smokers have diagnosis yet many push for it to be legal. I believe the DSMIII or II diagnosed homosexuality as a pathology.
Stop putting yourself down. It will increase the likelyhood of relapsing.
You have beaten yourself down for a lifetime. Its time for a chage.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Continue to stay humble. Live every day knowing that kindness and hope always trump hate and futility.
My addiction, and stopping my addiction, has humbled me, and brought me closer to Jesus. I have my faith - it is what saved me. I'm not trying to convert you - just realize we are all here for a higher purpose. Those who are broken are best able to help others. You can see life through their eyes.
What kind of man do you wish to become? Write it down. You will never become that man by trying to mold the clay when it's cold and a block. It will take time to heat and work the clay. Lots of little changes, over time, and the clay will turn to a beautiful sculpture. It takes heat sometimes to mold the clay.
I'm not in a 12 step, but my addictions group borrows from AA and other addiction support groups. The biggest question I am asked every week - 'Do you want to get well?'
Last week was a 10. 121 days porn free. The first 6 weeks/45 days or so are the hardest. What about AA? Is it 1 month? 3 months? Just take every day at a time. I know now that I will struggle with the attraction to pornography for the rest of my life - but I can make the choice, and have every day for 121 days. Some really down days with the W divorcing me, and now I'm restarting the D after a stay, due to W still continuing the EA.
If you have a W who is telling you what you have told me, you have SO much hope. You need to understand nothing putting you closer to W right now will save the M - you showing how independent you can be, putting the alcoholism behind you, conquering the fears that brought you to the bottle - those things will put you in very high regard with her. All of the positives of YOU, very few of the negatives - that will be huge drawing power for your W back to you.
Until then, you'll struggle not having her there. However, you HAVE to control the addiction on your own. Stand with your own two feet underneath you, not needing anyone to lean on. Then, you can choose to be in a R with your W, and she can as well. She won't be used to help with the addiction - you'll have that licked on your own. Then you can focus on the R - giving of yourself, being selfless and humble, rather than selfish and needy.
It's taken me months to get where I'm at. One day at a time. Work out - sleep at very regular schedules. Also, find a hobby that doesn't have anything to do with alcohol. Volunteering at a food shelter? Helping at the hospital? Retirement home? Jumping out of a plane? Join a raquetball league? Learn how to ballroom dance? Karate? Judo? Painting classes?
Just a few things to put some 'mystique' into the NEW HOPPY.
Keep posting - a lot right now.
You will not be reprimanded here. We all bring issues to the table. You are very courageous to be here. Your humbleness will help others to help you. You are a man worth caring about, and a husband worth keeping. We are all broken - just some of us know we are, and some are in denial.
I'll be posting occasionally and watching.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
