I'm glad to hear that you are no longer thinking about him 24/7. You do have a great life ahead of you and you are a very special lady who has something amazing in store for her. This year of hell will someday be less painful and a distant memory. I have thought so much about acceptance since you brought it up and I am amazed at how difficult it is. All of the other stages just happened but it seems as if I have to choose this one. We will break through that final barrier though and on the other side is a happy and peaceful life. All of this work that we are doing is for what is on the other side of the door. I am so thankful to have your wisdom to depend on and shudder to think of going through this without you.
So tell me about your plans for the weekend! Are you taking a plane flight to the US? Flights are cheap right now. You should probably wait for better weather though. Or you could go to Florida where it is nice. Just let me know though so that I can meet you there! No plans here. I have S13 and need to check with him and see what he would like to do.
Have a great day Rouky!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Just reporting back. Had an interesting conversation with IC. She said that before Valentine Day she felt that I had let go and now she feels I'm back on the roller coaster. She said that it feels like my STBXH has noticed that I had let go and he is pulling me back in! I found this very interesting. She also added that she had no concern about my recovery and how I'm feeling now show growth within me as even if I'm emotionally in turmoil I'm not in tears like before and that it's only a set back! What triggered me was the fact that he bought 2 roses plants from the kids for VD (knowing that he never celebrated it!). IC can't even understand why he did it knowing that we never celebrated VD.
Did a 180 today as I went back to the pub where I saw him and her before Christmas, there was no pain. I wanted to go back to challenge myself and I did it. I'm proud of me. STBXH is still with OW as when I was in the pub, his friends turned up but not him. How funny life is, when we were together he wouldn't give up going out with his friends and his hobbies, whereas now he has for OW!
Very proud of you Rouky! It really makes you look powerful to carry yourself into an arena where your STBXH and OW might possibly be. Again I draw inspiration from you in this instance because I am not there yet. I avoid every place that she frequents in hopes of not having to see her. I just have more growth to experience I guess. Don't be too sure that he is hanging out with OW instead of his friends. I'm sure that he spends some time trying to figure out what in the h311 it is that he wants. I am impressed that you are less concerned with his mayhem and more interested in enjoying your free time. Carry on Rouky and don't forget how much you are loved!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
I know he was with her, not his friends by 100% certainty. I'm doing DB the wrong way, one of STBHX was that I didn't look after myself, this one is well sorted! One was that I was negative (still in progress), and one was that I was cold to him. Going dark/ NC has made the situation even worse as he now drops the kids at the door and wouldn't engage in any conversations. I guess I have to be friendly with him but still move on with my life.
So I sent him a message asking him if he wanted to come back to the house, read the girls a story and put them to bed. I don't know why I did it. The girls are not bothered if they are told a story or not! I did it because I want to see him, I want to repair my mariage and that NC/dark is doing the opposite of what I want. I'm doing it wrong? I think BD is try something and if it doesn't work try something else. What has prompted me to do it: I was talking to IC and the bunches of flowers from the girls for VD ( as we haven't done anything for the last 8 years), the fact that he still came round to sort out a problem I had ( he didn't have to do it), also when I sent him messages they are read within 30 minutes whereas before he would take him a couple of hours. I rang him last night because youngest kid was upset and he picked phone straight away. He never done that since we are separated!
Also he has introduced OW to his teenager daughter but not ours! My step daughter was introduced to her about Sep/Oct last year but not since then. I do believe that if he was in love with OW he'd have introduced her to ours kids like he did with me with his first daughter ( 6 months into the relationship), also if he really wanted to be with her he'd have filed for D. I'm still expecting it though, but I know him and if he really wants something he'll do it no matter what.
Also him buying a house that it's far from OW (and me too), but close to one of his sister (who things he is a fool to leave me), and a friend who is for standing up for mariage is good for me to see that it might be my last chance to save my marriage. His friend's wife is a foreigner like me and she goes away the same number of weeks as me, so maybe my STBXH will see that we need to see our family.
I want to believe that he needs to be shown the path back and that that's what I'm doing it. I'm not expecting anything. I consider this as my very last chance to save my marriage and if it doesn't work, then I will be able to turn round and say that I have done everything I could to repair my marriage and I will proudly walk away from it with dignity and keeping my head high.
Rouky I don't think you have be DB the wrong way. You are trying everything and in my view that means everything. Your STBXH will never find a woman who is more dedicated to him and he is a fool to leave. I admire your tenacity but wonder when you will have had enough. It seems like you have so much going on in your life that a person would become overwhelmed. Are you still going out with your friends? How are things going in IC? Is the weather improving over there? One thing I have thought about is that my STBXW has her routine and her support group that keeps her from having to think about the divorce and distracted from the pain of it. I do sense that she is becoming frustrated in the process but she gets out and kicks up her heels and can forget about things. We need to be doing the same. I am getting out a little more but it is tough in that my circle of friends includes STBXW and OM. Everyone is weirded out by it too. I am thinking about taking guitar lessons. I still go to Spanish class and yoga. I am trying to get really busy and hoping that I stay distracted. Let me know if you have any great ideas for GAL!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Thank for your reply Shotgun. I'm still going out with friends although not as much as I'd like as this term is coming towards exams and we are super busy. Also I'm a bit short of cash (have had few expenses that weren't supposed to be there), so nothing fancy for me.
IC is going well. She told me that at that present moment in time she has no concern about my futurr and who I'm becoming. IC thinks that I'm not the same person as last month. Her only point is that I'm still emotionally in limbo and she understand why after I told her about the flowers that the girls bought me for VD when we hadn't offered each other presents the last 8 years. She said that before I went to see my parents I was in a good place and had let go, whereas now she feels I'm back on the roundabout because STBHX is pulling strings to avoid me to detach from him. Very interesting conversation tough.
Looking for some advice on how to interact with STBXH. Whatever I do he has never challenged it! When he said that we should have gone on holidays but not to see my parents he never pushed it further and now we are separated as he said that us not going on holidays was the reason why he had an affair as I wouldn't put his needs first! I'm sure that he had really pushed it I'd have understood.
The same with him seeing the kids at his supposidely housemate house! When I put this in place he never challenged it, now I feel like he has won because I have changed my mind.
I don't know how to react to people who are like that. He was the same with his ex partner and he would let her do/ say what she wants! It feels like he doesn't like confrontation.
Why am I saying that it's because he feels like he has won because I stopped him coming to the house and now I want him back in! I know I'm string enough to see him.
I think We know deep down that they are being unreasonable. That they are unfairly blaming us. Something is black and they keep saying it is white and it is hard to cope with. I get thrown off so much by this as well. It makes us question our own sanity and feel almost powerless.
When husband does this, I question and question myself and end up stressed and depressed. I don't know if they are intentionally manipulating or if they just have deep issues.
I am miserable because I don't know what is right and what is wong. I do know I feel horrible. My mother says, nobody has the power to do this to you unless you allow it. I am close to walking away from it all. No more asking for explanations. I think it will be healthier for me. Giving it a month.
Rouky, is he going to come over? I understand the uncertainty of all this. I can't seem to keep to NC, but I felt like it wasn't working either. Maybe it was and I didn't do it long enough. It seems the advice is always to do NC but I don't see enough examples of it working. Sometimes I'm afraid nothing will. Someone suggested I consult with a psychic. I'm not sure I believe in them and I'm not sure I want the answer to my big question - will W and I get another chance! I only want the answer I want to hear!!!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Did you ever find the divorce busting FB page and the purple Mohawk?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
