Oh, Butterc! Start researching D laws in your area. Talk to your L. Don't react too much to what's in the petition...often its the L's twist on H's ideas. You have more power than you think. Maybe mediation can help?
My H told his L he wanted it to be the nicest D she'd ever done (his explanation to me). He also said he asked for mediation because he thought it would be the two of us at a table working with the mediator. He encouraged me to call his L to ask questions, so I asked her about how mediation would go. She told me she would be in a room with H, and I would be in a separate room alone, and the mediator would go back and forth! I told her that sounds pretty lopsided,; guess I need my own L and she said yes! When I told H he was floored. That's not what he wanted. Anyway, B. Ls are by nature manipulative. She wanted me to L up. More hours for her to bill. Keep fighting for what you believe in. Keep your faith in what you know and don't be too surprised by the BS you encounter along the way.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Talk to an attorney about what is reasonable in your state.
In my state, the rough norm is alimony for half the number of years you were married (if alimony is appropriate). Lifelong alimony would be unlikely unless you were disabled. (Perhaps if you had never ever worked and you H had a boatload of money, but otherwise, no).
Also in my state, alimony is always subject to revisitation; that is, if HIS financial circumstances change, like he gets fired or becomes disabled, he can petition the court to reconsider his alimony obligation.
So, for instance, in my case, my ex wanted to reduce the number of years of alimony from 12 (1/2 our marriage) to 10. I agreed to it because I knew that he would be eligible for early retirement from his job in 10 years, and could probably get the alimony reduced or removed at that time - and when he DOES take the early retirement, I get a portion that is equivalent to the alimony anyway (I did negotiate this away for something else that I wanted, so I see it as a win.)
In your case, you may want to try to get the alimony continued to whatever your social security retirement age is ( probably 66 or 67 years depending on your birth year). Then at least you will have that income to replace the alimony. If you have been married for 10 years you can claim the spousal benefit based on his social security if that will be more than the benefit based on your own earnings.
If there are enough assets to make it financially feasible, you may want to consider taking a lump sum instead of alimony. I wish this had been feasible in my own divorce. My ex (who is not good with numbers and budgets and taxes, etc) has apparently been laboring under the mistaken impression, for 7 years, that he is paying 1/4 of his income to me in alimony. The real figure is 11% once all taxes are taken into account. Much of his bitterness in the past few years has apparently been about writing that check every month! And unnecessarily so, because he didn't understand the true figures. If we had been able to negotiate a lump sum in the beginning, that might have been better. Also you need life insurance on him that will pay his alimony and child support obligations if he dies.
Child support is usually by formula. Depending on your state, you may not be able to do any better than what the formula gives. You will want to write in stipulations for other things though, like funding college, paying for childcare and extracurricular activities like summer camps etc.
Keep in mind when you negotiate the tax implications of various choices too. He gets to deduct alimony from his taxes - you pay taxes on the alimony income. On the other hand, if you get a lump sum settlement at the time of divorce, there are no tax implications for either of you. Child support is not taxed.
What is best for you depends a lot on your particular situation and your earning capacity as well as your assets and your need for cash at present. If you're not good with math and taxes, find a friend or financial counselor who can help you work through various scenarios. (For the record, your lawyer may not be very helpful with this - I definitely was more savvy about taxes etc than my divorce lawyer, although he was great in other ways.)
P.S. another reason to consider a lump sum - alimony usually stops if you remarry or cohabit. I didn't think that would be an issue for me, but now I have a steady man for 3 years, and might consider having him live with me, but we have to wait another 3 years since I need the alimony money to help pay for my kids in college. If I'd gotten a lump sum my marital or relationship status would have been moot.
Just noticed that you are 50 and married for 17 years. In that case, alimony until you are 65 is quite a good deal! (Unless, as I said, you are disabled or something).
One value in having an attorney of your own, even if you mediate, is they can tell you what is a good deal or not. It may be that your H is offering something quite good right now out of guilt - if so, try to get him to sign on the dotted line ASAP as they almost always become much less generous as time goes on.
The first thing to do is breathe! It's going to be one step forward, two steps back for a while. You'll need to take a good, hard look at your bills and what's coming in money wise and then determine if you need to reduce some of the bills (especially if they are for things that your h subscribed to).
Spring is around the corner and when you are feeling a little bit better, you might want to spring clean, paint walls, move the furniture around and make the home yours. If you determine that you have to or need to move, spring is a good time to start looking for a new place to make as your own.
Make lists of things that need to be done and check them off as you go along. There is no set time to do all of them. Rome wasn't built in a day and it's going to take a while to figure things out. Be kind to yourself because you are going to have ups and downs for a while until you are back on level footing.
Come here to vent, ask questions or just to blog. Many of us have been through what you are going thru and have come out the other side and then there are others in various stages of walking the path and trying to figure things out...but there is always someone around who will listen and provide some advice, suggestions or just validate you and what you are dealing with.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
We just don't know the future, do we? Did we know they were going to be leaving? They fell in love enough to marry us and stay, then their feelings changed enough to leave. Do we know that they won't change again? We don't. We also have no control over anything they do or think. But we can learn to control ourselves. We can learn to change that which we find needs to be changed to make our own lives better, within ourselves.
It certainly won't be easy. Especially at our ages and with what we thought our future was going to be like changing so drastically and in such a short time. I have to make all new friends (getting there), look for a new (much smaller) place to live, sell or donate half of my "stuff" or more, get it moved,deal with new stress induced anxiety, depression, and pain and go back to school for gosh knows what, find a new job...and do it all without my best friend, support system, and stress relieving lover! I'm sure you're right there with me! But...it can be done!
Through all of this, I still want H back. So, redoubling DB efforts. Strong, patient, so very,very kind. Buttercup, we are so similar in our situations. Let's try to trust this process...we will be better for it either way.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
