Beginning of the End

[TimR]

Thank you broke and jujub. I can just not figure how to set boundaries when she is sitting right next to me. Its not like I can get out and walk if she decides to be mean. I am preparing for the worst though and going to as if for the best.

The boundary and was thinking is if she attacks me validating 5 times. Tim you drive like an ahole, "I'm sorry to make you feel unsafe, I will slow down." Tim you spend too much time with S. "I guess we both need more time with S, can I give you the list of his weight routine and he can go to the gym with you." Tim you know I never loved you... "That must have been like hell to spend such a long time with me then."

JujuB, Her big thing with me has been that I never acted like I loved her. How ever that was at the beginning of all this. Before, it was that I always held myself above everyone else and I thought I could do no wrong. Now it is that I always try to control her. The only reason she gave me of hurting her was taking her rings that she stopped wearing the night I caught her cheating.

I can honestly say that I was not the most open affectionate husband. I cannot show her that I have changed that now. She has insecurities and I should have been much more vocal about how beautiful and sexy she is. Again I cannot show her a 180 on that right now either. Hopefully in the future!

[Thornton]

Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I think you can start making changes but do them with other people, Tim.

Practice validating others. Your clients. Your kids. Your friends. Treat the waitress extra nice and compliment her on a job well done.

Little things like these can start to change your outlook. And maybe you'll get the chance to show W. And by then, the changes will be real.

[TimR]

I am glad you said that Thornton. I have been trying it with everyone I meet. It is difficult for me cause I am a very fact oriented person and used to avoid emotion at all costs. So it takes a lot for me but I am getting better at it.

Btw, yeah we will have to be wing men anytime you get to the east coast or I get to CO!

[JujuB]

I try it on my 5 year old when in the midst of melt down temper tantrum...they are almost as bad as WAS so its great practice.

[broke]

Tim,

My H said that I never showed that I loved him either. Sometimes it's scary how similar these threads are. Have you ever read that love languages book? I learned the way I thought I showed love is not the way my H wanted to receive it. May be a good read for you with hope for the future.

You can do this car trip tomorrow! Stay strong, validate, be civil and light and breezy. You already sound like you are on the right track. I'm hoping for the best for you, Tim.

[Thornton]

I swear the WAS has a manual on scripts to use when talking to the LBS.

[TimR]

Yeah they do. Funny she accused me of having a script given by my counselor.

That's what I am shooting for broke, light and breezy. No M talk just small talk. She will probably sleep in the morning so I will only have to worry about the trip back.

[broke]

Sounds like a good plan. The more prepared you feel, the more confident. Whatever you do, don't get anger. Tell her you'd like to think about it and get back to her when your less emotional if you have to. Just don't let her see you lose your cool. Then she can't push your buttons. That would be major victory. Good luck!

[JujuB]

Hope your trip goes ok today!

I know how staged validation lines can be condescending but one that DB coach suggested when spouse says something unfair and you are unprepared to react is.

" I don't know how to respond to that"

Hopefully conversation will be focused on kids and wrestling.

Just remember what a great dad you are! Right now it's really about those kids and you are doing a wonderful thing by staying in their lives. No matter what, this is something you will always be appreciated for.

[TimR]

Thanks for the support Jujub and Broke and everyone. Well it did not go as bad as it could have, of course not as good either. She slept most of the way there. I bought her a coffee in the morning, we had to leave at 530 am. When she woke we just exchanged a few words like wow you were really passed out. The tournament went good. She didn't talk to me too much but a bit and it was pleasant. The way home she slept most of the way (her sleeping the car is not all that unusual). When we got near home we joked how she always wakes up when we are close to the house. S was fast asleep and she joked that he did not get that gift from her. BTW son took 2nd at the largest one day tournament on the east coast so that was a big bonus.

Only thing that bothered me and I hope I did not show it was she was texting a lot. I know S16 who doesn't wrestle was texting a lot she said and she was keeping in touch with another mom. But cant say I wasn't bothered by her being on the phone. I did not say anything however and I was not trying to look to see who it was. I just acted like it did not bother me.