Need practical ideas to aid my 180/Last Resort.WAW

[bigybiz]

Thanks Sandi2 for your reply - sorry for the long time between posts. I thought things were going well.

Here are the details.

I'm 48 She is 51

Yes - she has said she is done with the marriage. She has not taken any steps to move out. One of Michelle's coaches has told me that her inaction is a good sign as it shows confusion.

I've turned off the will to chase/pursue. Although tonight I did a little chasing and acted badly when I was rejected. But, on the whole I've been OK at trying to be detached. It's a struggle.

Married 20 plus years
Children Female 20 not living at home, Male 15, and Male 10.

We got married after baby was conceived. I did not step up right away and say lets get married. It took 6 months after the baby was born. This is still a sore spot.

I have been a bad husband - I could not manage money and my career has not gone well. We've had several close calls with money.

In the last 3 years she has gone back to work in the last year has found her "calling" in a technology community. She feels this is her life work and I have prevented her from being part of it. Further, she feels that I only want to control her and will only let her get involved with things I approve of.

She went to a couple of conferences in 2015 - one without my "buy in/approval". While she was there she started an emotional affair. I snooped on her phone and found out about it. I contacted him and he backed off. She now blames me and is mad because she thought the Other guy was a friend when I'm sure he just wanted her on at his finger tips and/or make it physical when the time came. She feels played by him and feels this is one more time I tried to control her.

Since Jan we have been separated in house. Yes, the super husband has come out. I've not expected her to acknowledge the work for the reasons you have pointed out. It is satisfying to get the projects done and I kind of enjoy the fact that she is noticing and not saying anything. It's kind of a false tension i.e. she is choosing not to "reward" me and I know she is not going to recognize it. I'm kinda waiting for her to "burst" with a "will you stop already".

I want to be the best man I can be. I hope that is the man she wants. Her current passion is like an affair - she is throwing all her energy into it. Doing the bare min for her kids and it does not help she is hating her work right now.

Like I said I need practical, tactical things I can do. I get the strategy - but I need help in the day to day.

As I said she is planning/saying she is moving out. One of the reasons I've been doing much of the house work is to show her that I'll/we'll be OK when she is gone. That I/we won't be lost without her.

I am taking care of myself the best I can. I'm in the best physical condition I have every been. Lean, fit, committed to my fitness. My work is going well - not great but good. I'm hoping it improves - but my mental energy is not quite there. I've been trying to improve the relationships with my kids. Friends/family have been tough - as most are saying we need to split and I should not be a door mat.

I'm trying to be mysterious - but I struggle with that. I need a practical/tactical guide on how to be unavailable.

I'm really tempted to tell her to get out - but I know that will not work to bring her back.

Sandi2 and anyone else. Your words of encouragement and ideas are very much needed.

Thanks

Biggybiz