Beginning of the End

[HopeRB]

Tim, catching up on your sitch. I'm certainly not a DB vet, but I agree with everyone here on going dark. Your W sounds very wound up and any little thing you say/do will just tick her off even more. It sounds like you're doing very well in your DBing and she's reacting to the boundaries you've set up b/c she's not used to it. Stay strong.

[TimR]

Thank you everyone. I have been going dark with her but maybe should hit the dimmer switch. Since there are kids involved I cannot complete turn out the light, so I will attempt to dim it as much as I can. However, she does seem to react negatively to my lack of contact. For example, last weekend there was nothing about the kids to really address, so I did not have any contact for a few days. Then when I had kid she initiated disrespectful contact. Again this week same thing. However, thinking about it, her reactions in the last two weeks also come before S has a tournament which means we will be spending significant time together. So her triggers could be either one.

Not sure how to handle today? I have to get him weighed in and she will not take him (at least never has) and he will not want her to take him. Yet she still has not given me a time to pick him up. I definitely do not want to contact her and ask but also think she will see it as manipulative if I send son a text telling him to find out when I should pick him up. If any one has any ideas I would appreciate it.

At the same time I still have to figure out about filing for custody. At least I have two more days to think about it. I am really leaning toward it. I feel if I do not I am taking a real risk at her excluding me from his life. Even if she does continue to allow me to see him, I fear as her mood changes she will use him against me to continue to treat me as a door mat. I think since I have told her I have no expectation of ever saving our M, she lost holding that over me and is turning to the only means of control she has left.

If anyone has any advise I would appreciate it.

[TimR]

Well I guess my immediate issue took care of itself. I was still deciding how to determine what time to take S to weigh ins and W contacted me to take him. She also said he would like me to take him out for a birthday dinner and it was ok with her if I would like to. I am assuming W and S had a talk during which he expressed his feelings to her but I have not clue and there is no use in speculating. The constant 180s from her take a toll on my mental health though. The last few months we were together I was constantly walking on eggshells, should I say something, what should I say, should I do something what should I do, if I do this will she continue to ignore me, if I do that will she ridicule me. NOW, it is even worse... I cannot anticipate the moods whatsoever, validating and setting boundaries seems to make the anger worse. I have no clue.

[Thornton]

What a rollercoaster, Tim.

Fasten your seatbelt, because it's likely to be like this for a while.

Towards the end of my R, I was walking on eggshells too. She would find something to fight about if we had strung together a week or two of normalcy.

We're NC right now so I have no idea what the hell she is thinking.

[1313]

Hi Tim,
about the only thing I could suggest is the DB/DR method on steroids. If you say something - and I'd try to keep it to a minimum - say the exact opposite of what you know she expects to hear.

There's a lot of similarities to my R in that the W was saying things that always got me defensive. I couldn't help it. And whether real or not - no matter what I did to rectify something was exactly the wrong thing to say or do.

Seriously, one of the things that was cause for divorce was a set of bowls. No kidding. I think of everything I said and did, and somehow it meant she was terrible and wrong.

In retrospect, I don't think there was anything I could have done. This was at the point where she was literally looking for things to become symbols. If I told her what I meant, it wasn't valid. Only her feelings and actions are valid. Of course, not being in the WW mode, I could see her side up to a point.

So sadly, you're going to have to validate, but be consistent. Validate everything so that she starts to feel dumb. Validate that it's terrible your S's weigh ins are ruining her schedule, how inconsiderate of them.

I'd like to hear what a vet has to say, but couldn't you just as easily talk about your S like the widget she seems to think he should be? That him having a life of his own, aspirations, dreams, goals are infringing on her wants and needs?

If you talked the same as she is - that would be a form of validation I would think, only it's possible she might reflect on what she's really saying. It seems it's not just you she's complaining about, it's also your S. I dunno - I'm the sure the wrong person to give advice here!

[broke]

Tim,

I agree with the posts above. You are going to have to be the bigger person here (especially for your S13) and DB the best you can. You are going to have to validate and detach like crazy. She seems like she is just looking for things to fight about. I am sure she is like my WH where he feels guilty (no remorse to fight for marriage). So, she needs to find any faults she can in everything you do in order to justify what she has done. It is unfortunately that S13 is in the middle. I am glad that you get to spend time with S13 for weigh-ins and his birthday. Either he spoke to his mother or maybe she did realize she was being unreasonable... one can always hope. Enjoy your bday dinner!

[TimR]

Thank you 1313 and broke. Today was an interesting day. We skipped the clinic as I said we would and she actually contacted me about taking him. When he got into the car is was in a very bad mood. I asked him why he brought his bag when it was just weigh ins. He told me W made him bring it, in case his wrestling hero was there. When we got there he did not want to bring it in so I said I would carry it. He barked a NO at me (I know why he was defying W).

His hero was there and we talked for a bit. That perked him up but he would not allow me to run out and get his bag. So we went to Applebees to eat. He got at ease and cheered up. W text me and I told her about his hero being there and about the bag. She scorned me "I cannot believe you wouldn't carry his bag in." I told her what happened but don't think she believed me.

After we ate and he was in a good mood, I made the comment, we are driving by there again you wanna stop and see if he is still there? He got excited and said yes so we stopped. I notified W we were on our way back and stopped at the college to see hero. I also informed her in order to save time tomorrow that I picked her up a parking pass. This was the text I got back:

W: "I was thinking maybe I could just ride with you?"

So I have gone from "you hurt me so much I can't stop crying" to maybe I will make a 2 hours trip one way with you. Has anyone experienced this?? I know we should not speculate as to motives but I think because she doesn't want to drive that far on her own. She is probably also figuring she can get a free meal out of it.

Regardless of what her motivations are, I am going to have to be on my DBing game tomorrow. Guess I will reread the validation thread and be ready to detach big time. I cannot help but think at some point tomorrow she is going to attack me for something. However, I need to act as if, as if she is going to be happy to spend the day with me, as if she is excited to see the new me, as if she wants to see all my progress. Light and breezy, light and breezy, here we go!

[JujuB]

Hi Tim

I am terribly sorry for your children. Many of us on this board are dealing with walkaway spouses who have emotionally and financially neglected their biological children and here you are fighting to be able to stay in these kids lives.

I imagine that your wife knows that this is a power she has and will certainly exploit it based on her mood and based on what is convenient for her. I am certain that on a Saturday night she has plans, she would love to have you available to stay with the kids.

I am not sure the best way to handle this. Do you take out your legal muscles or try to work with her? Very similar to the car insurance issue. Yes you are right and might be able to win the battle but will it win you a peaceful coexistence? I don't have the answer. I am struggling with this as well.

I am not a walkaway wife and I have never been unfaithful, but I share your wife's rage. In fact some of the things she has said to you, I long to say (scream ) at my husband and I do think it in my mind. When my husband acts happy, I am furious. Why? Because i feel like he is living in denial and playing games.
When I pour my heart out to him and he responds with a "I hear you and understand" . Or an "I'm sorry as well" I feel like he is being condescending. Because that is all he says until I question more and then he completely negates what I have said. It is not authentic and he truly does not understand or empathize with my point.

I am mad at him for not wanting to see the kids more, but if he was trying to take them more I would be furious as well. Him walking away from us has hurt me so much I will always find fault. ( as the LBS I just know not to voice it to him)

My guess is that Somehow, you have hurt her greatly and that communication has always been a major issue. I agree with others that she does need to justify what she did. It is easier for her to be angry at you, but I am sure there are moments of remorse and compassion and love. I think she can only feel those when you are not in fighting mode.

I think for now if it does not hurt you legally, I would take off the fighting gloves and when she wants to talk just listen to her. Like you would a client. You Are right to end the conversation if you sense a bad tone.

Why do you think she might be so hurt by you?

Lim is a newbie on here that like you, is in early stages of situation. He seems to be Able to set strong boundaries with wife but in a respectful way. I think it would be a good thread to catch up on.

[JujuB]

(Sorry Tim, I see you allready caught up with his thread . )

[broke]

That is definitely an interesting development. I think you have the right idea - you need to be good at DBing especially on a 2-hour car ride! Your plan of validating and being light and breezy is great. I sincerely hope that it goes well. Keep us posted.