Very powerful post Mu. Honest and truthful despite the pain of being so. That's the sign of a real man Mu, you should honor yourself for your words and putting them out here like this.
Just so you know, I kind of look like I got hit by a truck and haven't showered in a few days. We can chat all you want my friend! If you start waking up in the middle of the night in a state of longing with the thoughts, "I wonder where that lovely PigPen is these days..." we'll take it from there.
Keep walking the path Mu, you're walking the right one - the difficult one.
Much respect, PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I am holding this together for my children. I am trying to save this marriage for my wife in the hope that she is in a MLC of sorts and may one day want a relationship with me. I am using my commitment to my family as a crutch to travel down this path. There are moments I am barely keeping it together. I don't trust myself not to latch on to Jelly or Fo. I like them. I am in tears right now. My attachment is stronger then I thought. I am married and cannot do what I want. I can't do this. I don't trust myself.
Me too Mut. I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I find such wisdom in your posts. Know that you are not alone, because so many of us on these boards look forward to each and every post from you.
hugs, and tissues
Buttercup
Me 50 H 51 M 17 T 20 D16 H EA Feb 2014 BD Sept 2015 H moved out Nov 2015 W Filed D papers Mar 2016
I hope that one day your wife comes to terms with how much she is hurting such a wonderful man. I wish she knew about your sacrifices and pain and guilt. I wish she understood forgiveness better.
Are you able to forgive yourself now?
I relate to you, because I am coming to realize that husband has crossed many of my boundaries. ( Neglects kids, stonewalls, is unreasonable, would not contribute to child support, hoarded and hid money, left us for my parents to take care of ) I ask myself what is keeping me here? It is because I feel guilty because of what I did to contribute to marital demise... But do you think your actions warranted wife's current actions? I am asking myself that too.
You seem to be very self aware and I sense that you know that once you cross a line, (even in the smallest way) you might not be able to remain capable of committing to marriage reconciliation. You recognize your own vulnerabilities. Not many people are capable of that and it's ok. All of our vulnerabilities differ.
When I go out with groups of friends, I have been given feedback that men find me standoffish and high maintenance and they are shocked that I am the single one in the group. I am actually pretty down to earth, but I guess I have that subconsious wall up to preserve my marriage. So I get where your coming from.
We all have a different time line.
It is so crazy. I seem to read about a lot of experiences in which the WS does not fully appreciate their spouse until they are gone or until there is competition. This bothers me tremendously, because it makes me question the character of WS even more...that they need that in order to want us back.
I'm sorry. I did a lot of disorganized rambling. But thank you for your honesty. I think it gives us all something to reflect upon.
I love my wife and I am married to her for better or worse. I took an oath before friends and family forsaking all others. I did this with both eyes open. I am also a man, a man that deeply desires intimacy and connection in his life.
Mutatio I want to say this is a wonderful quote that I need to read and reread daily. It reminds me of why I am here. It gives me an argument to not end this. I thank you very much for posting this.
P.S. I have girl crushes on JellyB and Fo ! They are two amazing women.
I just reread all your posts. I am a very lucky man to have friends like you. Your support and kindness makes me feel loved. I love you all and hope you all find what you need.
I am drawn to Jelly and when there was the possibility of more private communication I had to reflect on my motivation and then I followed it to it's logical conclusion. Where I went is not where I can go. I brought Fo into it simply to force myself to keep myself honest and in check. I really like you two.
I am not suffering in my marriage, or I am so used to this level of pain it seems normal. What happened today was that I realized what I have been missing for the last 14 months.
My dear friend Jelly, I am so sorry to drag you into my drama. I was tempted to take the cowards way out and lie but I could not do that to you. You are my friend and deserve only honesty. I feel guilty, like I have let you down. I am so sorry Jelly.
I usually comment about each of your posts but today please excuse me, I'll simply say Je t'aime tous chers amis. I now have some explaining to do with dear Vanilla.
I don't feel caught or dragged into any drama. We are here to support each other and facilitate change and growth. It is clear to me that our communications have brought some things to the surface for you. It is good that these feelings are not denied, particularly for you Mu. I am glad you felt safe enough and supported to bring your truth.
You have a right to feel completely as you do Mu. There is no drama. So much of my life I failed to share my feelings as I felt I wasn't entitled to take up space or cause someone discomfort by how I felt and experienced the world. I denied myself. Our father's taught us this Mu, that we didn't have the right to feel and be. You have every right to feel as you do and take up the space you need to resolve it.
This is important. This is shift Mu. This is perfection.
PS: I have my own lessons to learn from this- thank you Mu!
Mu and Jelly , I changed my name. Mu, it was inspired by your comment the last time I changed my name. Sorry to be so mysterious with the name changes.
Jelly's words:
You have a right to feel completely as you do Mu. There is no drama. So much of my life I failed to share my feelings as I felt I wasn't entitled to take up space or cause someone discomfort by how I felt and experienced the world. I denied myself. Our father's taught us this Mu, that we didn't have the right to feel and be. You have every right to feel as you do and take up the space you need to resolve it.
These words are brilliant and an eye opener for me. I think the three of us share a common bond because of this. Explains a LOT. Thank you Jelly.
Here I am, just another day. I really have not got anything to report. I wake up, live my life, trying to be the best man I can be. Then I sleep and do it again and again and again. This is not a complaint, more of an observation. Eventually this body will grow frail and no longer function. I then will cease to exist and my memories will be gone. Life is a temporary condition. This is where I am today. Just read this:
"It is the contemplation of death, the intensive thought that it will some day come upon us, that softens the hardest of hearts, binds one to another with cords of love and compassion, and destroys the barriers of caste, creed and race among the peoples of this earth all of whom are subject to the common destiny of death. Death is a great leveler. Pride of birth, pride of position, pride of wealth, pride of power must give way to the all-consuming thought of inevitable death. It is this leveling aspect of death that made the poet say:
"Scepter and crown Must tumble down And in the dust be equal made With the poor crooked scythe and spade."
It is the contemplation of death that helps to destroy the infatuation of sense-pleasure. It is the contemplation of death that destroys vanity. It is the contemplation of death that gives balance and a healthy sense of proportion to our highly over-wrought minds with their misguided sense of values. It is the contemplation of death that gives strength and steadiness and direction to the erratic human mind, now wandering in one direction, now in another, without an aim, without a purpose."
Enjoy your day and live it with purpose, compassion and kindness. Peace
