Back again

[someguy1233]

I'm really second guessing myself today. Did I do the right thing by telling her I wouldn't lake turns leaving the house as a form of separation? What about going back to the bed?

At this point I don't think there's an affair. Sadly, we've been down that path and I know the warning signs all too well.

[someguy1233]

I'm panicking. Deep breaths.

She just emailed to let me know she will be home tonight and her sister is coming over. She plans to stay at a friend's house Friday and Saturday nights. She plans to be home part of Saturday and most of Sunday.

My heart dropped. This is becoming too real and I don't know if I'm handling it correctly by putting my foot down.

Sandi, do you have any thoughts?

[Ojap]

Hey someguy....

I'm not sure I'm the one to offer advice on the MR...I'll let Sandi or a vet handle...BUT

Both feet flat on the floor with your hands in your laps. Eyes closed.
In through the nose for 3 seconds
Out through the mouth for 3 seconds

Again. Imagine your breathing in peace and exhaling stress, anger, and anxiety.

It really is going to be okay, man.

[someguy1233]

Hey someguy....

I'm not sure I'm the one to offer advice on the MR...I'll let Sandi or a vet handle...BUT

Both feet flat on the floor with your hands in your laps. Eyes closed.
In through the nose for 3 seconds
Out through the mouth for 3 seconds

Again. Imagine your breathing in peace and exhaling stress, anger, and anxiety.

It really is going to be okay, man.

Thanks you, Pajo.

I'm still not confident in my choices, but it's where I am.
I played with the kids for a while tonight. We had a blast. The youngest is really starting to try hard at saying words. It's such a cute time. I've noticed the oldest has been behaving better (not that he's terrible). I'm seriously thinking it could be related to my 180 efforts and being mor calm and present. I think it's having a positive affect on the kids.

I got a life tonight and went to the shooting range with a friend. It's not something I do often and was a great way to breakaway from everything and go have fun.

W is sleeping on the couch now instead of the bed... more room for me? (Trying to think of the positives!)

[CWOL]

W is sleeping on the couch now instead of the bed... more room for me? (Trying to think of the positives!)

Don't leave the house and don't leave your bed. She's the one that wants to leave, so she should.
Be careful about talking to her about legal issues like not leaving the house. It will spook her and make your D more difficult later if/when it comes to that (she'll think you're controlling, etc.)
Sniff for signs of A.

[someguy1233]

I'm concerned that she is talking about being best friends while also attending marriage therapy.

Therapy only works when both people are fully engaged with the goal of reconciling the marriage.

I went through this myself. WAW used the therapy as an excuse to say "she tried". We "were too broken" because therapy didn't work.

Truth is, therapy didn't work because she didn't want it to work.

We started therapy 3-4 months ago when W wasn't sure if she wanted to stay or D. Going to the last session was my idea. I'm thinking about cancelling any further sessions. The therapist also does family separation/divorce counseling so I don't want her putting more ideas in W's head. HOWEVER, a few months back the therapist did help get W to slow down and think hard about her decisions.

Is it generally frowned upon to do therapy if both parties aren't committed?

[someguy1233]

W is sleeping on the couch now instead of the bed... more room for me? (Trying to think of the positives!)

Don't leave the house and don't leave your bed. She's the one that wants to leave, so she should.
Be careful about talking to her about legal issues like not leaving the house. It will spook her and make your D more difficult later if/when it comes to that (she'll think you're controlling, etc.)
Sniff for signs of A.

Thanks CWOL.
I still feel somewhat uncertain about the decision. One of her complaints is that she felt like I always got my way and disapproved of what she wanted. Which is true, but often times she ended up getting what she wanted with my disapproval.

I feel like I'm dancing this line between standing up for myself (less nice-guy) and being controlling.

[daybyday]

I got the same complaint about always getting my way, but W would never make a decision so what are we supposed to do. Once again, History Re-written 101.

[someguy1233]

I've been listening to How to Win Friends and Influence People on my commute the last few days. I've always felt my social skills are a bit lacking... why not start with a book!

One poem came out of it. "Father Forgets" Reader's Digest version by W Livingston. It brought waves of emotion stronger than anything W has said in the last couple weeks. I sat in my car and cried. I so strongly related to how I've treated my sons, especially the oldest. All because I was filled with so much anxiety I couldn't handle anything outside of my expectations. I'm so happy to be taking steps to not be that kind of father.

I've been paying close attention to my anxiety the last few days. Aside from a couple interactions with W that caused a brief spiral, I've been calmer than I can remember ever being. I wish I had explored medical help years ago.

I was wound tight. So tight that I think back and can't believe W could stand being around me. Little things would cause me to react negatively and my heart to race. Lately I've caught myself in the moment noticing that things that would make me anxious no longer do. Little things like worrying the kids are brushing their teeth wrong (OMG! They might get toothpaste on their shirts!). Or S not being careful enough when he carries his plate. (OMG! Don't drop that!) Or the kids making a big mess (OMG! That's going to take forever to clean... but really doesn't). Again tonight I noticed the kids are behaving better. I can't help but feel it's a direct reaction to my new found patience for them.

I've even notice a change in how I react to things at work. I'm sure I could make a long list of how I reacted poorly to W, but we haven't been around each other much for me to notice.

---

W is probably staying with her friend tonight. She's not home. I feel weird saying it, but it's more calm around the house. I almost enjoy her not being here.

[someguy1233]

I got a good night's sleep. The kids and I went grocery shopping this morning and I cooked a big batch of barley soup for lunches this week. This is truly different behavior for me. W is an amazing cook. It's her passion so I nearly never make anything. But there's nothing left around here to take to work for lunches and I don't want to be spending money going out every day. I have to say, I'm not that bad at cooking.

I'm lonely today. The kids and I are going to go visit my parents for a while so we can get out of the house.

Two days ago W said she would be home for part of today. She called a little bit ago to talk to S4.5 because she missed him, which seemed like an odd call if she was going to be coming home. I didn't ask if she changed her plans. I'm just going to go on assuming she won't be here.