I'm trying not to allow myself feel like a victim. After all, I chose to be in a R with a recovering alcoholic. But part of me does feel victimized, I feel like I went above and beyond for our relationship (I'm codependent after all) and she took advantage of that and hung me out to dry.
Originally Posted By: Thornton
Now I'm left to pick up the pieces, figure out what to do with "our" house that I paid for without any assistance from her and she gets to walk away scott free. Her name isn't on the loan.
So while I stress about how to pay the mortgage, and all the bills, she gets to live with her mother for free and save money to get her own place.
I know I need to suck it up and move forward, but for now, I'm angry.
I struggle with fighting the victim mentality on a daily basis as I sit in a home we set up together and now I can barely afford to live, as H merrily frolics about, seemingly oblivious to the destruction that surrounds us. I got angry on the way home last night so I wrote a "letter" to H on my phone and that helped me snap out of it. Something that also brings me back is remembering to keep my pride in check. It's strange b/c pride is what took my H away but, I feel like when I start to get angry, thats me feeling like I'm better than him for some reason or something. Just b/c things were done to me doesn't make me perfect or faultless. Just like I feel angry and crippled, H has his own gripes with me. Long story short, I'm with you on those conflicting emotions and like broke, I'm 7 months in and they still happen as if it all started yesterday. Let's just keep pressing on!
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
your story made me well up. I did exactly the same this Christmas just gone. While I was unwrapping stockings with my boys Ex was texting her OM. I knew, she knew I knew but I just sat there and said, nothing is gonna ruin my last Christmas with my boys as a family. It's fast approaching me eldest's B'day and it is going to be hard but I am remembering your story now. Not trying to hijack, but my point being it is a choice to be the very best versions of ourselves as we can. I don't think it is ever linear for anyone and it will be up and down over and over.
me45,W43 S9,S5 T15yrs M10yrs BD 4/07/15 W wants D 4/07/15 W filed 8/05/15 D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas, W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
Feeling anxious this morning. Another week has passed with no contact. The longer this goes on, the further I feel she slips away.
I'm going to go to the gym and work out as hard as I can. Then I'll probably go grocery shopping and then wash my car.
I wish I could get my mind off of her. I keep wondering what she is thinking and if she misses me too.
I keep trying to remind myself of how poorly she has handled things but then I remember the loving W and how she would make me smile and laugh.
I read an interesting article about avoidant attachment and w fits the bill to a T. I think that's why we do so well when being together but not living together because she knows she will have space.
I also noticed our sex life was so much better when we lived apart. As soon as we moved in to our house, her sex drive plummeted.
I remember asking her about it and she said previous ex boyfriends had complained about it too. But she never really wanted to do anything to change it.
Maybe I was trying to change her into someone she just isn't capable of being. Maybe her fears of intimacy are just too great to overcome.
Daddy/daughter was fun. We ate and shared some jokes, it was good to sit and chat with her.
Then we went to the pet store, had to get the dog some dog food and we had a good time looking at the fish and other critters.
No plans for tonight, I'm just not feeling it.
I've been in a funk for the past few days. Tomorrow will be exactly one month since the bomb.
It's weird because even the day of the bomb, we were texting I love you's to each other.
I hate feeling so discarded. W is very social and I heard from people that she is out doing things and spending time with her sister out on the town. How can she just move on so quickly? It makes me feel like all her I love you's to me in the months leading up to the bomb were just lip service.
Really struggling with my self esteem today. I feel like I wasn't good enough to keep her.
A body at rest tends to stay at rest, while a body in motion tends to stay in motion...
Even if you are not feeling it, maybe you should do something. Sitting at home feeling bad will only result in more staying at home feeling bad. Even if you just go to the mall and walking around. But maybe doing a bit more would be better. If you are hearing about her going out, she would probably hear about you being out GALing. It is not contact but it sends a message, especially if you are not one to go out often. Even if it doesn't it may help your mental state.
Glad to hear things were so much fun with daughter.
Hang in there, this too shall pass!
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Sorry to hear you are having such a rough day Thornton. I liked the Newton analogy by TimR. Try to do something for yourself and move around a bit. Get yourself moving and let inertia and momentum take over. I'm in a bit of a funk myself today so this is advice I should be taking myself. Talked myself into going to grocery store with D3 when she awakens from her nap. I hope you can find something to distract yourself. Hoping the best for you. Vaya con dios.
Me:44 W:38 T:10.5 M:7.5 D:3 BD: 7/2015 W moves out of MBR: 9/2015 WW files for D: 2/8/2016
It really is tough to make yourself get up and do something when you are having one of those days. Last night was difficult for me - wanted to hear from H in the worst way. But, today, I made myself plan some GAL activities. I encourage you to go back and look at that awesome list you made and pick something to do....I bet you would at least feel better physically if you worked out. I know it stinks. It feels horrible feeling like you were thrown away and the OP doesn't miss you at all. (I know that's how I felt last night) But, like you said to me, this too shall pass. What small step can you make today to move yourself forward? Hope you can find something. No matter how small it seems, it will make a difference. Thinking of you...
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Hey Thornton, sorry it's a rough one. sometimes when I'm having an off day I think of three things I could do - eg:
Cook a meal I never cooked before Get the garage properly sorted Take that trip to the museum I always meant to take
Then I say to myself - I really don't feel like doing anything, but I know it's a good idea to do something. It doesn't matter which of these 3 things I do, but I'm going to pick one and I'm going to do it for at least an hour..two hours or whatever.
Hope this helps a little. Just by the by - is there a contact list for your divorce group yet? That's been a good thing for me - having a group of 8-10 people in similar circumstances, keen to get together socially.
Take care.....this will get better my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
