I think her statement of "I'm not attracted to you anymore" is more about her lost feelings of connection to me since we had been doing nothing but fighting and spiting over the past few years. And, for women, if they don't feel a connection for you they'll lose interest in you no matter how good looking you may be physically. I'm doing my best to play it cool, go back to the happy guy I had always been, found some confidence in myself again despite all the turmoil and not showing any upset at missing her no matter how much it hurts. Trying to dress a little more attractively as well and I think the combination has elicited an overall positive reaction from her for sure. Have received a kiss and peck on the cheek here and there. Better than a cold shoulder. That all said, the test will be the next time an issue comes up and how I react to it. Strangely I'm almost looking forward to testing myself as I think she'll be pleasantly surprised - seemed to disarm her the last time I did this.
Assuming we eventually do work through our issues, should I ever expect her to revise her "not attracted to me anymore" statement at some point in the future or just let it go and look for actions (if she starts, kissing or hugging me consistently etc)? I typically have a problem letting things like this slide without being addressed or corrected if things (her feelings) have changed but having this expectation in this case may not be truly important so long as her actions show she cares. Curious as to what you folks think/recommend. I only ask as the statement really hurt me but at the same time she must have been really hurt to have to say in the first place.
The more I converse with all you great folks here the more I realize how much of an idiot I've been in how I've managed my relationship over the years. My W has always had a short temper but with a few of these simple rules and validation techniques I think I could have averted years of problems. We should all be issued a relationship book of rules and techniques on our 15th birthday!
This is my view on attraction for LBS, your other half was attracted to you once that is a given, very attracted to you enough to marry you and chose you for parenthood or for life. It's there for you.
Your W is still attracted to you, I believe that, although it's scrambled in her brains.
Let it be and keep working on you and your interractions. Detach, let go off the outcome, continue to do that which works.
I really like your attitude, if we need a manual then you are writing your own.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I do thing that I'm attractive both physically and personality wise. I'm a good looking guy who has gotten is 20's physique back and seem to be able to make my friends laugh (and my wife in the past). I'm the guy playing the guitar at the parties, that sort of thing. I have a lot of friends and am social (although I'm not on any social media - my wife is on FB - I don't have time for it).
My goals are to better myself and make my laugh happier. First thing is to get my exam done and change jobs (current one isn't bad but doesn't pay the best - I work on contract). I'm also ensuring I dress in an attractive way no matter what I am doing these days. This isn't just for my wife but to regain some of the confidence I had lost. What do they say, when you look good you feel good. It's fairly true.
I think my wife misses the old easy going guy who used to make her laugh. Seems the last few years all that I've done is make her cry. I didn't see it happening but I am aware of it now so am on the road back to who I really am and I think that is all my wife really wants. She (nor I) want to go back to the way things have been in recent years.
W has never specifically said what she finds attractive to me that I can remember anyway. Will have to ask her one day down the road 'when' we get through this!
I do try to use some humour to lighten things up - it helps take the edge off of a lot of this stuff.
I tripped up a bit last night. We were at our friends for dinner last night and later we were all sitting on the couch watching the Oscar's and I took my wife's hand to hold it (I was nervous to do it but felt for some reason that it would be ok). She gave it a little squeeze I think to let me know she was ok with it. Then, when we got home and were lying in bed watching some TV and I did the same thing again (took her hand) but this time asked her if it was alright me holding her hand, she responded of course that she wouldn't hold my hand if she didn't want to. I simply said that I wasn't sure and we held hands while we settled for bed. We broke hands for her to check something on her phone and then she laid back down and reached for my hand to hold hands again. Was nice. I miss my wife and intimacy with her. Perhaps behind the wall she has put up she misses me as well but she is better at this game than me.
Not sure what I should be doing now. Perhaps I should pursue no further and leave things as they are. I did show her a little affection and that I care but I don't want to pursue if it's going to just put her in some position of power. Feel like it might. Sort of like her slip last week when she kissed me after she had a few drinks. She was back to her old self the next day. Part of me still hear's the "I'm not attracted you anymore" statement ringing in my ears and makes me feel that I should not be pursuing her. I'm torn - I think she would be ok with a little hand holding and kiss on the cheek sort of thing day to day - I just can't be the one to always initiate it. Ultimately I want to do whatever I need to do to get her to want/miss me. What do you folks think I should do?
She reads a lot of holistic healing and self help books and I think the message she is getting is similar to what is discussed here (focus on yourself) but with a more holistic feel to it. She went to a holistic healing thing with a bunch of woman this weekend for the day. She's getting right into this sort of thing although has always been interested in it. Seems she is gaining a lot of strength and motivation from all of this. I fear I'm not as strong. She has definitely detached from me and pulled away. We have another MC meeting this Thursday so will see what happens there. I expect this one might be rough as the past two where one on one and now we are meeting together for the MC to try and pull it all together. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best!
So what's your thoughts on my taking my W hand twice last night? Did I screw up? I'm thinking I should just ignore it and move on as if it didn't happen. I guess doing something like this from time to time isn't a bad thing while we work through our issues but day to day I need to try and stay detached.
And, if an opportunity for intimacy and maybe even sex presents itself, should I pursue it? My wife won't likely initiate it but she may be open to it if I initiate it at the right moment. More thinking intimacy (kissing etc but not sex) as a start but if that where to happen and things started to head towards sex should I resist or just go with it?
Should I be waiting for my wife to initiate the intimacy? I'm sure she is waiting for me - she always has. I ask as perhaps she is open to a little intimacy but not willing to take the first step, should I take the first step? To be honest, I'd be a little nervous to make that first step as I'm not 100% how she would respond. Based on the hand holding the other night she may be open to a little kissing etc - I doubt sex yet but just trying to prepare in case something does happen.
W, while being civil, has been somewhat bitchy (sorry, couldn't think of a more descriptive word) and short towards me the last two days. No idea why but is how she used to be and seems to be back to that. Seems she has to make an effort not to act this way towards me (to be nice to me). She went to bed at 10pm last night (normally does so between 11:30 - 12 midnight) but was still awake when I came to bed at 11:30. Seemed like something might have been bothering her (but may have just been tired) but I didn't ask (would have normally asked but in our current situation I'm not asking a lot of questions particularly about anything that she might be mad at me about - I'm not prompting that). Anyway, I can feel the negative tension with her (again/still) and I must admit that I hate it. I wake up and all is good but later when she gets up she is non talkative, seems down, quiet, no kiss/hug, doesn't look at me or even say hi or good morning. I say hi and I can barely hear her say hi back. It's as if she doesn't want to respond but has to so says it as quiet as possible. It's like she wakes up on the wrong side of the bed everyday - never happy to see me. She isn't a morning person and never has been so that's probably part of it but I'll bet this is how she will be the next few days until the weekend anyway, maybe longer. W has had some issues with depression in the past and with increased stress tends to push her this way. She started a part-time job one day a week this week but she only gets paid for clients she see's but has to be at the clinic 11am - 4pm and I can tell already she isn't going to like it. She's not good with working set hours etc (spoiled, probably).
I'm still struggling with giving her some attention (should I or not) but in the past this hasn't done anything to make her more upbeat or happy to see me so why would that change now? She never seems appreciative of the attention I give her - she just takes it, still acts the same and carries on with whatever she was doing. It really hollows you out after you extend yourself to give that attention and there is no appreciation for it. It's my own insecurity in the situation we are in that is probably driving me to want to give her attention since I'm pretty sure she won't respond. Ask her and she will probably say that I'm ignoring her or not trying to be close to her. Hell, I would if I thought A) she wanted me to B) she would respond positively and C) although I am ignoring it, why she would expect me to do this after telling me she's not attracted to me is presumptuous but I would do it if I knew that's what she really wanted. She's not told me or showed me otherwise. I really don't know how she feels about me or what she wants. We have our joint MC meeting this Thursday so a lot of this may come out. Is it that she has fallen out of love with me or perhaps that she does still love me but is spoiled and doesn't want to deal with life?? I get that I have been difficult over the past year or two (so has she) and that is on me. I'm so aware of it at this point that I know I can turn that around on a dime but what else? What are the issues - will update after our next MC meeting.
