I want to share important experience I learned about myself. It happened in 2009. My wife had her EA/PA in 2008 from Halloween and Christmas. I had no one I wanted talk to about my life. I was on Facebook at that time. Through a friend on Facebook I got the email address of a girl I had a crush on in junior and senior high school. I really liked her and occasional talked to her but never had the nerve to ask her out. I emailed her out of the blue in the early spring of 2009. We began to correspond back and forth. I eventually confided in her about my marriage and my wife's actions. She shared her marital difficulties with me. At some point I began thinking how she was only 6 hours away and it would be nice to meet her. From there the typical fantasies of unrequited love began.
I remembered my wife saying in the beginning of her EA that it just happened. It felt good to get the attention, be a little flirty, to have something nice for herself. She said it was a slippery slope and before she realized it she was a woman she never wanted to be. I realized where I was going with my friend and had to take action to stop it. I wrote my friend an email telling her how I was growing to attached to her and that I had to end all contact with her. She understood and I then erased all my correspondence with her and deleted her email address. To this day I still think of her, want to contact her again and think about a visit.
I love my wife and I am married to her for better or worse. I took an oath before friends and family forsaking all others. I did this with both eyes open. I am also a man, a man that deeply desires intimacy and connection in his life. I am a weak man who has difficulties with boundaries in matters if the heart and desires in general. I have developed feelings for Fo and Jelly that could lead me down a path that will cause me to be conflicted and confused. At this point in my life it is important to me to to do the right thing, to be the best man I can be. I cannot trust myself and I could not live with myself if I succumbed to my desires.
Jelly, I cannot correspond with you. I like you to much to do so. Your intentions are are not in question, they are honest and innocent. I am the problem and don't trust myself. I brought Fo into this because I needed to. Again, it's my issues, or maybe it just a 6 hour thing.
I will continue to share my thoughts and feelings with my dear friends here in this forum as I work on improving myself in hopes of salvaging my marriage. It was difficult to post this but decided to run towards my fear as a way to gain greater insight into myself.
