Time for a new direction

[job]

I had to shake my head and chuckle over your "mail". I'm glad you got your key back...but that doesn't mean he didn't make a copy. Continue to deadbolt your door when you aren't home. Now, if your MIL will give you her key, you'll be good to go. After all, it is your home for the time being and you certainly don't want someone just walking in unannounced.

As for travel groups, I've used them quite often and have found them a lot of fun and you do meet a lot of new people. I've stayed in touch w/some "new" friends for over 15 years and have visited them in their areas and vice versa. I recommend them, especially if you are traveling alone in a foreign country.

[bttrfly]

at least you got the key back M ... where do you want to travel to? I'm frankly scared to go to Death Valley alone. I've never been to the desert, and would need to go hiking to do what I want there. I admire your bravery !!! xoxoxo

[mleigh4]

Irish, let's house switch! I only get to the snow every few years, but I always enjoy it!

Bright, I don't have any siblings. I am closer with my friends than my family. They are my family. I have some great friends that have held me as I cried and hug me when I laugh. I feel fortunate for that. We should travel together!

Job, I don't think my in-laws realize I have moved on. They may now. Did you travel with all strangers? That would be so out of my comfort zone, but it really intrigues me. I am up for it.

Bttrfly, be careful hiking alone in the desert! It sounds fun though. I am craving the beach, the Caribbean calls me constantly. I could just sit myself on a beach with a mai tai and a book and be happy as a clam. Dinner alone is my only fear, but I see people do it all alone. A cruise would be perfect for me too, in fact, on past cruises, I yearned for alone time. That may be my best place to start.

Yesterday morning, S asked to not do Grammy day...again. Fine except I had a hair appt. I TM H to see if he could pick up S from me, or switch nights. We decided to switch nights and S hung out with me. H let Grammy know.

So, exchange from H from left field last night. H TM me an article..."10 steps to a chore system for your child" he says it's an article he came across when looking up certain behaviors from S. Says if I don't agree or am not interested, he won't be upset. That he is not accusing me of anything or telling me what to do. That S is a great kid, has lots of friends and does well in school, but is concerned with his future and he is trying to prepare him to be the best he can be. He added that he knows I can come back with things that he has done or do that I don't agree with, and that is fine, he just wanted to share this.

Did I miss something? Why can't he just say, here is a great article on chores to get our lazy kid to work!? Lol.

It's almost like he has a panic attack about our son, he gets so concerned about how he will turn out....do you think he is actually looking within? Opening up? Maybe worried S may end up the same? Worried about his influence? I know we can't get in his head, but could he possibly be doing some self assessment?

In the past, this kind of text would have really annoyed me. It would have set off blame and finger pointing. I see it very differently right now....however, my guard is up. Wondering what, or who, set this off....

I replied to him, "whoa, I thought we got past this? I agree, chores are very important. Thank you for sharing, I will read it"

He replied thanks with a smiley face.

He came to pick up S tonight. Asked at 5 if he could run by Lowe's first, showed up at 7. He made comments about S playing his game, felt what he was watching on YouTube was too violent, (he follows a user-friendly mine craft youtuber), asked don't I know what he is watching? Made a face about a part in a comic book S made and drew where a snake says, I am going to kill you to another snake. Then didn't like a game S wanted where a car crashes......I am very cautious and aware of what S does....H is going overboard!

What is this and where did it come from? He was doing so well, he has gone right back to BD behavior. Making mountains out of molehills and picking fights. I didn't bite, he just isn't worth a fight to me right now. He can fret and spin. S is a normal kid, I am always aware of his doings, I make sure it is all age appropriate, but do not want him sheltered either.

S has his buddies coming over tomorrow for a birthday party. Pizza and cupcakes! H says he will pick up and bring the pizza if I want. I sure hope he snaps out of this mood he is in. Tomorrow will be all about fun! His negativity and paranoia are not welcome.

[mleigh4]

I really hate my auto correct. I meant to say S follows a kid friendly youtuber.

[mleigh4]

Ugh. 10 o'clock at night and now H is blowing up my phone again over S. Said S got all upset because H asked him to help him make corn bread. H is having a fit and his text is pure spew. More of the "get mad if you want" and "go ahead and think I am bad or Grammy is bad"

I responded nice and calm, agreeing that S needs to help more without the drama and agreed we can put our heads together and come up with a plan that keeps it consistent for each home. I also assured him that I want him to talk with me about his concerns, that we are in this parenting thing together.

Meanwhile, he continued to spew, while I was typing my nice and calm reply, that he grilled S on what he helps me with and he doesn't want his son growing up to be some unproductive selfish adult.

My poor son, we were having such a nice night, getting ready for his party tomorrow, until H got him.

I replied to H, geez H, where is all this anger coming from????

Crickets

Why does something tell me Grammy gave him an earful yesterday, after being shunned on Grammy day once again. I can't prove it, but would bet money on it. Something has set H overboard once again....

AND there you have it. He just TM me again, about me getting upset with his mom for cutting S hair. Bingo!!!

[HaWho]

Oh Mleigh - a trip away sounds great! I know parts of it can be hard but when I went away on BD anniversary, I loved it. I find headphones to be a life-saver, especially at the beach where for some reason many men seem to think that any woman all by herself is on the market?!? I put them in even when I wasn't listening to music and was left alone. At dinner I brought my iPad but mostly people watched. It will rejuvenate you!

As for your h's recent behavior, sounds like he wants your son in a bubble. LOL! Maybe he is scared s will grow up before him. Ha ha.

Eventually your son will go to some friend's houses and be exposed to lots of things which you wouldn't necessarily approve (especially if that home has older siblings). They begin to text and learn all sorts of things in those conversations. They are naive at first and have no idea that those conversations can be viewed by parents, forwarded to principals or to other people. Your h can't shelter him from it all. Your poor h may struggle with the loss of innocence. It's hard.

Concerns about violence are prevalent these days. Many parents don't realize that it's not usually "violent" play. Typically, it's hero play! And a hero needs a villain. If you probe your son on what was going on with those two snakes, it probably boiled down to hero play or even a justice scenario. Maybe one snake was evil and the other was protecting. Probably wasn't two drug dealing snakes fighting over a deal gone bad. LOL! There's a lot of thought that we are shaming boys when we tell them they can't play in any way that is remotely violent (as it is really hero play).

Nice job just not engaging. Like you said not worth it as you are on top of it.

I am sure your son will have fun at his party!!

[mleigh4]

I said she had no right to cut his hair, that I try to keep things between me and her, but she loves crying to him, that I discovered that when she accidentally emailed me instead of him to complain about me, but she has never caused us any problems, right?? I asked him to calm down, don't take it out on S, and we will work on the chores.

He accused me of encouraging S to not see his mom. Says I think she doesn't deserve to see her grandson. Then says S says he just gets bored with her. So obviously that is all coming from her? Says he doesn't even know how to overcome what I am teaching him. That I need to think about what I am doing to him by being his best friend instead of parent. Then said he and S had a good talk and are now snuggled up watching a show they BOTH like. Then added it's perfect timing, to watch the episode of Last Man Standing they are watching to learn how to be a parent.

Wow. It's been a long time since he has flipped out like this. His TM"s are so ridiculous, just total spew. I stopped responding and tried to do yoga but can't stop shaking. I just have to shake my head though. They think lack of chores will be harmful to my son, not the emotional dysfunction they bring on.

I can't even imagine being around him tomorrow.

[mleigh4]

I just can't believe the power she has over him, to get him to just totally turn on me? Things have been so well, all he can come up with is me being lazy on chores....and go off on me for an hour about it?

[job]

To answer your question, yes, I travel w/groups of strangers when traveling w/tour groups. Sometimes a friend will go along, but that doesn't always happen and within a day or so, you make new friends.

I hate to say this, but your MIL is behind the chores article as well as the anger your h was exhibiting. She's pulling out all of the stops to get her grandson over there. She doesn't want to admit that she is the reason that you had the email discussion w/her about his haircut. She is trying to not only control, but manipulate your h into brow beating you into your son going to Granny's.

I don't think your h is the one coming up with the chores. He was content to have your son over there in the beginning and now he's pushing chores and the games/shows your son watches. I hate to say this, but you most likely will need to have a serious sit down, face to face conversation w/your h about his anger, expectations and yes, his mother. This is going to continue to escalate and create some serious friction for all of you if you don't nip it in the bud and soon. There are some instances whereby you can't be super friendly when trying to get your point across and she's probably still miffed about the haircut incident as well as the request for the key. You are your son's mother and she needs to respect your decisions, as well as your son's if he doesn't want to go over there.

[2Times2Many]

Mleigh4, as I read the posts above, the word that came to my mind was "control."

I could be way off base, but when you expressed your displeasure about Grammy cutting S's hair, you reminded her that you control what happens or doesn't happen as far as raising your S and it's not her place to interfere without running things by you first. Obviously, your h plays a part as well, but S lives with you and you have become the primary parent in the everyday stuff that goes on in your S's life.

It looked as though you and h were doing okay in the co-parenting department until MIL got in h's ear.

From the outside looking in, it looks as though MIL is using your h to try to gain control that does not rightfully belong to her. She obviously knows what buttons to push to get your h all riled up.

Does MIL know your S doesn't want to go over there? That could add to it, too.

In the long run, you have to do what's in your son's best interest and this kind of animosity between the adults in his life is not good. Job is right. You have to nip it in the bud.

I know ... easier said than done.

{{{Mleigh4}}}