Baby steps

[Painter]

H is back, he was gone a week (business). He was very tired when he came back. He gave me a hug that was more like leaning on me to show how exhausted he was. That was the only physical contact we had. We had dinner and watched TV, then he went to bed (separate bedroom).

I was probably not at my most cheerful, we haven't had much communication while he was gone, and yesterday's call was not great. I had prepared dinner for him, though.

He made some negative assumptions about things taking place at home while he was gone (noticed some things were different and assumed I had done something he doesn't like). He was wrong, and I told him what the cause was. I get exhausted trying to explain these things to him, he makes me feel so defensive, like he's always looking to attack me for something.

I can't live with this. I can't live with someone who won't or can't communicate except negatively. I spend way too much time guessing what he wants or thinks, he's holding my attention by being so withholding. It's the whole intermittent reinforcement thing.
If I have to GAL to the degree that I don't even think about my R or H, it seems pointless.

I need a partner who has self-insight and can express himself. This is killing me slowly, I can't live like this. I've tried to communicate for 15 years, but his idea of talking is that he says what he thinks and that's the end of it.

He says he wants to save the M and doesn't want to S, but he's not doing the work because he 'doesn't like to be told what to do' and thinks it should be all organic and come naturally. Counseling is like 'telling a neighbor about our problems'. He can't think of a single thing we can do together on our time off, because he just wants to do the one thing he enjoys most (guy stuff) and is not willing to compromise on that (which he himself volunteered was being a little difficult).

We can manage a S financially, but I'm not sure at this point if I should take the initiative (I would want him to move out and he knows that) or just keep on working towards more independence.

Officially, we're 'piecing'. He's not doing much of anything, it feels like. He is trying to control his temper, and I think he's doing better, which is great. It really is, after 15 years I didn't think it was possible. Maybe it will benefit #6. I really think I would like to S. I have been trying to work this for 2 years but I don't know if I have anything left.

I don't think he likes me or wants to be with me. I saw his face when he talked about OW (last winter) and he doesn't have any of those feelings for me. I've seen his big grin in the selfie they took of themselves and he just got weird and moved away when I tried to take a picture of us on a rare outing last fall.

If anyone has anything hopeful to contribute, please feel free! I'm all out today.