Beginning of the End

[Thornton]

I agree with you Tim. If you file for custody, that might be the final nail in the coffin for the M.

IMO (and this is just me), I think you need to back off and not make any sudden moves.

Now, in the meantime, she says "Dealing with your behavior and the way you treat me is too much"

^^^ What does that mean for her? I'm not saying it's true, but can you understand why she might feel this way? If you were to put yourself in her shoes, can you see why should might feel this way?

What can you do right now to start 180'ing this?

[Ojap]

Wow, Tim. This [censored], man.

I think I'm going to have to go with Thornton's, and YOUR advice to me...which was to 'pump the breaks' so to speak.

I'm not saying that I comprehend the legal ramifications, should the W do something irrational....but think of this....

Right now...you are NOT certain what her 'plan' is. She is emotional and angry right now. Maybe, given some time she will calm...

however...you absolutely DO know that filing for custody will be closing the door on any significant chances of reconciliation.

Thoughts/prayers, man. Just keep pondering, 'What is the wise thing to do?'

[TimR]

I don't know if she will or wont. I think she just wants me completely out of the picture and views getting me out of S's life as the means to that. IDK if it is guilt or what. I can tell you she pushed his biological dad out of the picture too. However, I must stick up for her on that cause he was a very very bad guy. But I think she feels she will not have to deal with her emotions if I am not around and feels the need to get rid of me. That is why I am so worried.

[TimR]

I just sent her a text which basically says "Do whatever you want in your personal life, I am not concerned for you anymore. But why would you want to hurt your kid. For better or worse in one way or another I will fight for him and always be there for him."

[Ojap]

While I COMPLETELY am behind your sentiment...I am very interested to see how W responds.

For you...does it feel like the aggression the two of you have towards one another is momentary, or is this the beginning of the end. I am in no way advocating for that...but the text was FIRM and a bit on the OFFENSIVE side. Def no validation, lol!

Not saying it was wrong...you know your sitch way better than we do...them just look like fightin' wordsl.

[Ojap]

by OFFENSIVE...I meant the opposite of DEFENSIVE...not RUDE, etc.

[broke]

I have to agree with Pajo. I'm worried this will lead to more angry texts. Has she responded yet?

Would you feel comfortable saying something like "I'm sorry you feel like I'm taking too much time on his birthday. I love S13 and I want what's best for him. Can you please select one of the solutions I offered?"

[Wonka]

I just sent her a text which basically says "Do whatever you want in your personal life, I am not concerned for you anymore. But why would you want to hurt your kid. For better or worse in one way or another I will fight for him and always be there for him."

Tim,

STOP talking for now. Cool it.

[1313]

Tim,
just wow.
I guess if I said one thing, it's that you tried to explain too much.

On the upside, you've got that, er, "exchange" on text, so you can save it. It certainly shows that she's madly pushing buttons. While it may be her reality, it doesn't jibe up with the average person. It's obvious she's being really passive aggressive.

I keep seeing the same thing too - it's like you're somehow responsible for your S's schedule. She acts as if he's a widget, without his own life and thoughts.

I am so sorry.

I guess maybe I should be happy that I'm not communicating at all with the W. Although as unhinged as she's been acting, she wouldn't be doing anything like this.

One thing I could say that I learned a long time ago is try to keep texts to a minimum. Even when people are on good terms, things can go sideways really fast when texting and emailing. At least an email gives to time to reflect and compose. A text can get too heat of the moment - and it looks like she reeled you in on this one.

Try to have a decent weekend, and leave this exchange as far behind as you can.

[TimR]

Ok Thank you all for trying to talk some sense into me. Well the answer to my text was her calling me. And the following is a summary of the conversation:

I answered the phone practicing "as if" and was sounded in a good mood. She immediately attacked me why was I in a good mood. I said why would I be up until recently I was having a good day. She told me I have mental problems. I said I was in counselling and it was going well. I am just in a good mood because I learned how not to let her hurt me anymore and I was moving forward. She then went into how I am controlling, manipulating, and hurting her. I explained I did not know how I was doing those things, could she explain because when she pointed out the problem of the clinic I looked and immediately realized I was wrong and that we would not do the clinic and I would talk to S. She said yeah so I can talk bad about her. I told her I would never do that and how she is as a mom was something I always found attractive about her and that she is a wonderful mother to the boys. I would never want to try and ruin the love they have for her. Our problems are our problems and should be shouldered by the boys. While S16 for some reason seems to hate me now, S13 relies on me and I am the only father the poor kid ever knew. I love him and we have a very tight bond. She said I keep trying to hurt her and she could list how I keep doing it. I ask her to please give me the list of ways so I can stop doing them. She wouldn't said I should know.

Then she started to get really rude and started name calling. I told her I really think we need to get this talked through but I will not stay on the phone with her if she continues to be disrespectful. We are not together and I am not going to be subjected to it. She said I am disrespectful to her. I said I am sorry if I did anything disrespectful I did not mean to.

She then went into a rant about her rings. She said she wanted them back. That I was hurting her because I wear my ring still and she can't even wear hers. I said you took your rings off and why would you want to wear them when you have a boyfriend. She said she was going to call the police and have me arrested for stealing. I said if that is what she feels she needs to do but they are marital property. She then said I was the biggest POS ever and a horrible human. I said I cant agree with that and I will bend over backwards for those boys, we will have to agree to disagree. She continued about the rings and I admitted I threw them out the car window when I caught her cheating.

She then said so if I came back tonight, you would not have the rings. I said no, but I know she would not come back and it would take time before we could be back together. I said I am not willing to share you anyway, so getting rid of OM would be the first step. However I know that is not what she wants so that is fine and I am doing good.

Then she said she does not want him around me anymore cause she just cannot handle me hurting her. I said I am happy to work on whatever for S but she would have to tell me what it is that causes so much pain. She then said I could not see him tonight. I said ok I will text him I will not be able to get him but I would tell him why cause he deserves to know the truth. Not that I abandoned him. She said she would talk to him. I said ok but I would also let him know, because I did not want her saying I just abandoned him. She then said I could take him to practice.

That ended the conversation.