Ojap's Story

[Ojap]

Okay...some big stuff happened last night (at least for me)...and it's making me re-think my approach at counseling.

So...W comes home and we have an amiable conversation, which leads to a good conversation where we are both laughing about some things our daughters have done, how much they're growing, how we're not cool, etc.

We go our separate ways for a couple of hours (usual), kids are asleep, we are both watching TV in separate rooms. Bottom line...after a few exchanges, she offers me glass of wine, and basically requests sex.

Sidenote: (Since our issues began in earnest, we have averaged sex once/month, and ONLY when we are two glasses of wine deep)

At any rate...it happens. She wants to make sure that its just 'sex', no big emotional attachment thing...but she can tell its more for me (I think).

Bottom line to all of this...'after'...she is a bit tipsy and begins talking. And I begin to realize how deep her depression really is. She tells me how sorry she is that she is hurting me, how she knows it will hurt our girls. She is having a crisis of 'faith' (which has been integral in our lives...both since childhood...and that matters even more b/c I am currently an associate pastor). She 'prayed' for someone like me growing up...but now resents me and gets angry when she sees me b/c she feels like I was making her 'conform'...not just religiously...but in other areas of personality.

She spoke of not letting people in...how loving hurt too much...of how she is angry at me b/c she is having to take ant-depressants b/c 'what she feels is wrong'. How she could never live up to her a$$hole/alcoholic father's expectations, and now she is screwing 'us' up too...

It made me rethink a lot of my paranoia and anxiety about her phone concealment, and her efforts to have some independence and assert herself. It was heartbreaking...she was begging me to 'let her go'. She said she 'would stay...but she wasn't sure how to love me like a husband again'. She wept after saying that...and said...'I don't want to feel that way...but I do. I'm so sorry. You deserve better than me. You deserve to be happy and loved.' 'I'm just done. I'm so tired. Please just let me go, so I can figure out what is wrong with me, and who I am."

I validated and tucked her in to bed. It was terrible. Now...I feel a bit lost. What am I looking at here, guys???