Some back story: Xh and i met when we were 17/18 and dated as teenagers do - and broke up as it all seemed a bit serious a bit soon/lots of living to do etc.
Xh then met, married and divorced someone else all in under 2 years. He and his parents described this relationship as 'never right' and 'very different' to ours. Xh and his family told me that there was a lack of trust and Xh XW accused him of having an affair - oh poor Xh to be accused of such a thing (sarcastic hindsight). Xh hoped in his car and drove home to Xil's immediately following this accusation.
Xh never spoke to her again after driving away.
Friends of Xh said we were very different and right for each other.
I completed my studies and travelled for several years - a very Kiwi thing to do.
On returning to Kiwiland, friends told me that Xh was divorced and i was curious about how i would feel seeing him again 8 years after we had last seen each other - i traced him down, phoned, arranged to meet and we fell back in love. Dun dun darrrrrn.
We became engaged very quickly, a matter of months, moved in together and got married. 2 years later son number 1, three years later son number 2.
Due to previous history, i prided myself on conversation we had prior to marriage and kids, that many couples may never have in a lifetime. Xh and his family are charming delightful liars and I now question the conversations had on which i based my expectations of our future.
16 years later, Xh spending behaviour - which had always been a contention and extreme, something he was teased about by friends and encouraged in by family. escalated to the point i issued an ultimatum. Please do not spend money. Spending like this is hurting our family. If spending continues like this, boys and i likely to be better off away from you - may have to divorce.
Hindsight - this ultimatum which i though was uttered calmly and from a position of concern and love, triggered bizarre secret extreme spending - We had a sizeable income, Xh working full time, me working part time in well paying positions. I experienced situations like filling the car with petrol to find no money in the account to pay for it, phoning my parents to come quickly to pay for petrol already put in the car. Xh explanations exhibited alarming selfishness - 'i needed money and it worked out ok, your parents helped out'.
Following an accident in 2013, i needed shoulder surgery and had time off work meaning i was at home alot. One weekend, Xh behaved very strangely, arranging an activity for himself and one son - but not myself or other son. I was very hurt and arranged fun day for other son with some friends; then started prying. Worried that Xh was having a breakdown/brain tumour/adverse reaction to heart medication he is on. That is when i discovered his affair.
When sons were safely at school after the weekend, i told Xh we needed to talk, i knew what was going on. Xh denied denied denied - then admitted affair. Xh stated he had to leave. He could not stay. He was not happy and had not been happy for months/years/ever...
I cried/questioned/called Xil's and made therm talk to Xh. Xh told me 'i bought him a t shirt for his birthday, and he already had alot of t shirts' hoped in our car, and drove away to OW.
I have since suggested to the boys not to buy their father any t shirts, it seems he has enough (??!!)
Xh has never mentioned divorce (though is engaged to OW), never uttered ILYBANILWY, but has said at one other time that i treated him like a child. I think that is a fair comment i probably did. The t shirt comment i am not overly sure about - i did buy him a t shirt and was mighty proud of getting him anything 4 days after major shoulder surgery when most people would still be bed bound!
Since then, Xh has lived with OW. He has dropped most of 'our' friends and reconnected with friends from his 20's, made friends with OW's friends and lives a young single life.
Xh walked away from me, our sons, our friends, our renovation project house and our financial striffe.
Xh moved in with OW and took his large salary and joined it with her large salary and has continued spending extreme amounts.
The boys do not know when they will see or hear from Xh from one day to the next - but he does buy them large presents. Often the wrong size but the boys and i have become skilled at returning/trading things so they are living a strange combination of a simple beans on toast life with label clothes latest bikes wakeboards etc.
Xh would take items from the house/shed each time he did arrive to see the boys, and sometime come past and take things without staying to see the oys. He denies takign anythign except guns, which he only admitted to taking when i said i would have to go to the police as they were missing. One day i found him in our shed taking a chainsaw (all other power tools were already gone - there had been many, we were renovating a huge house on a huge piece of land). I said 'really Xh, you would take that from the boys and I trying to finish this house to sell it. You would take that to OW house to renovate her house?'. he left the chainsaw. OW house is now painted the same colours as the house i completed the renovations on and had to sell because the mortage was enormous.
I have been incredibley fortunate with friends and family. A friend just happened to call in as Xh was driving away on BD day - and found me in absolute shock and has been a rock. She googled 'how to help a friend who has been abandoned' and was the most perfect support imagineable.
I called my brother and said Xh has just left, can you please come. Brother said, what now? and i said yes please - now. Together they helped me come up with lists of practical thigns to do. Call the bank - ha to late!, call a lawyer. find a counsellor - so that i could work out what and how to tell the boys. They bought me food and made me eat - wow they were amazing.
I have been surrounded by amazing people ever since which is lucky because there has been alot to do.
I have completed the renovations, sold the marital home. Found a full time job that does not take all of my time. Changed the boys schools - no longer at private school- but the local schools and are doing well there. I have found us a home and have maintained the boys activities. All of this without the benefit of any of our relationship property which is tied up in accounts/businesses etc. Due to the debt, there wont actually be much to divvy up - but there will be some and that will be a help to the boys and i.
Just lately, as Xh has started to show interest in the boys, i have realised i am exhausted. I cant quite maintain the level of output from the last 2+ years and think i need to find a better balance.
Perhaps that is where Xh comes in?
Phew - rather odd to type
Xh now denies that his relationship with OW was ever an affair. I am unsure what his current friends/family circle are told but they are very accepting of OX and Xh as a wonderful couple. I cant be toooo bad in the tales, or more effort would be made to spend time with boys/not leave them with me/protect them from me
I took solace in MLC for quite some time, but do wonder if Xh is simply a narcisist. He is a very skilled charming liar. His family are the same. Xil's have not seen and do not contact the boys - their only grandsons - either.
