Checking in to see you you are doing, Red. Really glad to see your list of things you are doing. I'm very happy you have plans to access money and have a place to stay if you need it. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your kiddos. Proud of you - keep it up. It's hard, but you are strong. You've shown us that you are strong!
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Very impressed with your actions and plan! You're doing great!
I usually advocate staying in the marital home, but in your case, I might start looking around for a place, since the house is in his name only and he is not very good with boundaries. It may be difficult for you to stop him from entering the house on a whim, and if you leave, he can't claim that he doesn't have a place to have the kids for visits. But check with your L before doing anything.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
This will sound CRAZY but I'm not giving up on HIM really just the M. If he was to change, go to counseling for stuff, etc then yes I would want him back but I do not see him doing this..and if he does it would have to be him. Nothing I do will ever effect him.
It took me a few days to truly realize that no matter what I do, this is him as a person. I can not change him only accept that, this is who he is.
My door is closed but I have a small window in my door that is open. I know I will always love him even as the father of my children and my first love, my first highschool kiss, my first husband.. 90% of my firsts are with him.
I love you pink. You always make me smile and feel better. Always.
I truly am working on ME to make ME THE BEST MOM, FRIEND,DAUGHTER,SISTER, etc I can be.
I really cried today and forgave the OW. I can't have that hate affecting me. I understand she saw 2 great kids, a nice house,a loving husband who spoils his wife and wanted it. She would tell me she is jealous of my life and I'm so lucky. I understand. I forgive her for coming in between us in hopes of getting my life.
She will never have my life. It was so good because I MADE IT GOOD. I FILLED my house with love, I made it this amazing marriage with my family and kids. She is going to be missing a key component in wanting my life. ME. Which is why it was magical.
Sure they will have a great life and fun but it will never. Ever. Be MY old marriage. She can never replace me.
Before I felt so replaced and now I realized that will. Never. Happen unless I tell myself I have been.
I think these anti- depression, anxiety, whatever they are pills are mellowing me out. I'm more relaxed instead of so stressed.
Thank you brooke. I do not feel strong but I will get there.
Painter-he is moving soon over an hour away from me for 6 months so he will not be able to do any pop bys soon and. Worst case scenario I can move into my moma house aith the kids. They would need to share bunk beds and a room for now but it would be fine and work.
I have to see him today. Is it playing games if I study, read,or watch tv by myself in my own room so I can have space and not interact with H
Yes Red, be pleasant, fresh but not anything about him. No games, just you being yourself and let go on the instigation part.
Let him do his thing. Say the bull he likes to say. It does not mess with you anymore because you know why he is doing this. For some reasons it always strikes me that he is looking for your attention, but in anyway, let him be for now.
I like the way you are thinking. Not a needy Red, but the woman that knows what she wants and will do that dance until "SHE" says it is enough.
Remember that you can interact with him when you need to, remember to use that chance to show him you are OK, you are not dying because he isn't there. You do not excuse what he is doing but you respect his choices.
Keep it all together in front of him, make eye contact when possible, if the situation arise give that nice smile without being all smiley fake face. Something only you two know.
And as painter said, go do some errands while he stays with the kids. Look good, confident.
Later you can fall apart and punch the pillow, just remember you won't lose it no matter what. Always think that you can say: "I will think about and in a couple of days I will let you know".
You can do it, you are better then all scam bags in this world. He is a dog and needs that kind of attention right now, but time will tell him what a stink fish he is buying.
H wanted to talk about us. I just got back from a dr appt. It was over the phone.
He went on a vent. He is upset I no longer go too him for things. My faucets broke...my friends husband helped me. My tire pops. I handle it myself etc etc.
He said he is very confused right now about 4 times.
That everyday he doesnt know what redhe will get.. Pissy, mean, loving, sad, ignoring. He said even if He calls or texts he can tell my mood. Example if I ignore him all day I'm pissy and mad but if I answer and do no want to talk to him Im sneaky etc.
He is always here for me and wants me to go to him for things. He wants to take care of me.
I just told him the truth for the fist time. That He lost the husband roll. If stuff breaks in the house and I can not fix it, I'll tell him.
If he wants to talk about the kids, we can talk all day.
That he needs to understand he cant expect me to act like a normal happy loving wife when he fired me. If I need space, stay out of my bubble. If I do not want to talk them let me be.
I told him if we didnt have kids I would have treated him like any other ex.
He knows how I treat my exs. Ex friends..ex boyfriends..you are invisible to me . I'll block, delete, ignore you. I literally will walk by you and pretend you are invisible. Full 100% NO CONTACT for months. It is the only way I heal.
He was very sad sounding. I ended it work I need to go clean.
When he got here he Came into my room. I was watching tv. He asked for a hug. I said no. He pouted and then leaned over and put his face against mine and have me some awkward hug thing.
I left for errands like you guys suggested.
Came back 15 minutes before He needed to leave.
He got ready to leave and was checking me out. Like obviously doing it. He said to turn around..I'm like id there something on me?
Nope he asked if I'm eating. He said I looked really tiny and really good. He finally noticed I lost almost 40 lbs.
He asked me to walk over to him for a second since I was in the kitchen. He moved my hair off my shoulder, and asked for a hug. Said He needed one.
First time giving him a hug In a week since finding out about the ow. I was going for a pat on the back hug but that didn't happen.
He pulled in me super tight, lifted me up, wrapped my legs around him, put his head on my shoulder next and crushed me hugging me so tight. I moved my legs and was like putme down. I was dangling..it was not comfortable. I had to put mylegs back. I'm like really. The kids came out and saw and was like ooooh daddy and mommy and so cute. He put me down after about 2-3 minutes. He Said that I smelled amazing.
I'm wearing the same perfume I have for over a year
He is 6-2" 230-240 muscular officer. Man has a grip.
I could tell that knowing I was done and walking away was really bothering him. I also know it isnt because he loves me but because he just wants to control the situation.
Normally stuff like this would make me melt and feel hope.
Thanks to you guys on here I literally just see it as his way of trying to control me or the situation. He knows how to make me feel loved and wanted.
I was expecting this from Vs love cycle. He would either be loving or angry.
He called at 10 pm since he was not with her totalk about the kids. Same talk we had earlier..he asked random questions. I know He wanted to see what I was doing without askingand using the kids as am excuse.
I'm proud of myself. I feel very detached. Very logical in my thinking. Not using my emotions. Seeing thumbs clear.
I do Not want to have weird situations in front of my kids..so I'm Just going to have to be like no hug.high five!!
Only thing that confused me is why he kept saying hes so confused. How can he be when every decisions he had made himself.
Today I'm packed and have a note ready. Dinner is prepped and all he had to do is follow directions.
He can't cook. I have chopped onion and pepper in a bag. Thawed ground beef. And directions for spaghetti.. Meatloaf..or chili. Like put bags in pan and cook, add 2 cans a with a can of b. Use seasoning packet. Super easy.
Note has any thing he can ask. Pajamas in room. This here. That there. Etc.
Need to go back into my bubble.
I'm not telling him I have divorce papers almost filed out. I am keeping a lot to myself right now.
I am sticking to my plan.
I figured you guys might have some insight on yesterday. Or at least vent.
Can't tell anyone how he picked me up to hug me. I know they all would say I should have flipped out but I'm not going to do that in front of my toddlers.
You did really well indeed. You were strong and said what you needed to.
Be aware the hug and body hug especially if it lasts for more than 2 minutes triggers a hormone called oxytocin designed to create bonding and a love response. It's hard to resist although you did.
Some controllers use this deliberately, the little boy pout etc.
In fact by deciding this was a control tactic by WH and effectively 'calling' on it- deciding that it wouldn't control it then you are sending a clear message.
I also like you shutting down WH excuses to ring you or text you. At least you know in 99% of cases it will be trivia or checking.
Big hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Oh and my lovely if you don't want this again and he hugs you without your consent, invading your bubble.
It is a serious boundary breach.
WH if you continue to pick me up in the way you did against my wishes then I consider it an invasion of my privacy. If it continues then I may suggest that it is assault. Please let me be clear, you are no longer my WH , you sacked me and thus I retain the right to my privacy of body space.
Just my thoughts
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
If it creates bonding and love why would he do it. Just to make me want him? I mean I already love him I'm just not chasing him or playing games and trying to move on.
Wouldn't it make him feel bonding too? I'm curious about that now. I never knew a hug could do anything at all.
Yeah I'm going to tell him it's a boundary not to cross. I'm already struggling to let go without having new ways to make me miss him more without me even knowing that is what it can do.
