Now, the real work begins..Part II

[broke]

Vanilla - patience really is a virtue! Thank you for being so patient with me. I cleaned up all of our posts and attempted to put all my boundary statements into I or WH statements that were positive and included enforcement performed by me. I really appreciate your time and generosity - I know this will help my interactions in the future. For example, I now feel much more prepared to have my BIL over to see the kids this weekend. I panicked when I got his voicemail because I would always welcome him in the past but I don't want to get dragged into conversations about my M or R. Now, I won't feel cornered! Thank you so very much!


Texts and emails:

When WH texts me, then I will respond immediately if emergency regarding children and if the matter proves to be trivial then I will take no action.

If WH texts me about a trivial issue then I will respond when convenient for me.

If WH texts me regarding our R then I will not respond. If he persists, then I will advise that I do not respond by texts to those communications.

If WH texts about matters regarding our D or finances, then I will refer him to my L. If he persists, then I will advise that I refer these matters to my L and will send him my Ls telephone number.

conversations (very rare - usually communicate through text or email):

If WH says that he wants to talk to me about important issues regarding the children or the house/belongings, then I will suggest that a time slot to talk by phone or in person. If WH persists then I will close the conversation with please confirm and suggest an alternative.


If WH wants to talk about the divorce, then I will direct him to speak with our attorneys. If he persists, then I will end the conversation.

If WH wants to discuss anything about our R, I will attempt to validate any of his feelings and concerns and direct the conversation to a different topic. If he persists, I will say that I am not going to discuss our R while you are having an active affair then this is inappropriate. If you are prepared to cease contact with OW then we can discuss.

Meetings:

If WH wants to have a meeting, I will limit it to very important, time-sensitive issues about the kids. I will be civil, end the meeting before he does and will not engage in small talk about other items.

Specific boundaries with regards to the kids:

1. Handovers
When WH drops the kids off at the door, then my body language indicates that I just want a drop off. If I am dropping off the kids at his house, I move hastily away. I do not invite WH in to my home or accept invites into his. If WH behaves differently, I move away and say 'please can we discuss X in private time' and I move away.

2. birthdays for kids:
When one of the kids is celebrating a birthday, I will suggest time slots for H and I to each have time to spend with the boys. If WH suggests a family outing, I will politely decline and close the conversation with please confirm and suggest an alternative.

3. Extended family events:

I will not invite H to attend any family events with my extended family. If WH invites me to a family occasion, then I will carefully consider the implication of attending if WH is in attendance. If it is appropriate then I may attend and I will be clear that I am independent of WH.

4. Our family of four events:

When WH suggests doing family activities, I politely decline in private and advise WH that I will cooperate with him on co-parenting, and whilst he has an R with OW, family activities which include both of us are usually out of bounds and I do not suggest such activities. If WH persists, I politely decline and stay away.

5. School events/kids activities:
I will maintain my distance from H. I sit or stand away from him. If I have to interact, I will be civil, abrupt, smile, be light and breezy. If WH approaches me, then I will move away.

6. Teacher conferences: coming up soon in March. Will arrive early and sit outside the classroom, so don't have to interact with H. Will direct all conversation to teacher. While walking out, be civil and abrupt.

While waiting for a conference to begin, I will be civil and only discuss the children. I will steer all conversations to be centered on the children, teacher and school. I will be patient and let WH ask questions and make comments without interrupting. If WH monopolizes the conference, I will politely ask to have some time after he finishes or schedule my own time with the teacher. After the conference is complete, I will be civil and abrupt, light and breezy on the way out of school. If WH follows me, persists in other conversations, I will walk away and say I have an appointment.


7. Packing for vacations with their dad:

When the children are going away with WH, then they are packed and ready for collection at the door. If WH persists, then I state the children have all they need and here are the bags. I walk them to the car and say “have a great time”.

8. golf tournaments:

When I am out walking to watch golf and WH wants to join me and I want my personal time, then I say "WH I want to watch our son play golf and am enjoying my own thoughts”. If he persists. I walk away with a jaunty air whistling.


You are doing well, I think if you knew how badly I drafted the few boundaries I had when I first did mine then you would understand how well!


Ha! I don't know - I feel like I am still not completely there, so I am grateful for the encouragement!. I do know that it was such a good exercise to formulate how I would respond in different situations. I feel more prepared to respond appropriately with less emotion (especially anger)!