Not sure where to stand

[Sparkls]

Journal-ing:
Had kind of just a sad day. Not overly so, I stayed busy but I was just sad. I miss BF. As I was talking to my dad (who really has stepped up in the dad department here. he calls me every day to check in on me <3 we had a rough few years in our relationship when he started dating his current wife/gf/person because she kicked me out of the house when I was 18 while I was away at college but I digress)
My life is really not any different without Bf here aside from having to take care of the dogs by myself and not doing the things I did for him anymore (taking him to work, cooking dinner etc).
He wasn't in my life because I needed him. There is no part of my life that functions less smoothly without him here. He was here because I enjoyed his company. I liked being around him. I liked making him dinner. I liked taking him to work and giving him a kiss goodbye. But the reality is he did very little for me besides be there. And he really hasn't been there lately due to his affair bullsh*t. So what am I fighting for?
I'm fighting because I made a commitment to him. And although we aren't legally married, in my mind, I feel like he's my husband. I dunno how to describe it really. A lot of people say you aren't married, you don't have kids, why aren't you just saying hasta la vista baby? I committed to our relationship, for good and bad.
Part of today has been reassuring. I'll be fine without him. But I really want him there for the big things I have coming up in my life. And everyone talks about time and I can give it a month before I really have to start making decisions without him. One day at a time until then. Thinking back about everything, I really am thinking that separating and going NC is the right move. Although we always do better when we talk (his words), this is a journey he has to do alone or he'll resent me for my interference somewhere down the road. I hope he finds the guy he used to be, cause the guy he is now quite frankly blows.

GALing today was pretty good though: getting my hair done tomorrow, worked for several hours on a research project for school, cleaned my house (an on-going process) and baked for a friends upcoming baby shower on Sat.

[Ojap]

Sparks...you sound like you're in a really healthy place. Pretty incredible considering the loss your are fighting through.

I think one of the things that does help me when I start to feel anxious, sad, broken...is that the real honest to God truth is....IT REALLY WILL BE OKAY.

That doesn't remove the fact that it [censored] right now...but there will be a day when it doesn't suck. It was great to see your positive post!

[Thornton]

^^^that's good stuff, Pajo.

[Sparkls]

In honor of Thornton's goals, I sat down between teaching classes today and wrong a list of mine. It ended up being really long. Some are actionable, some aren't. It's a work in progress.
Goals:
1. Match for residency (yay!)
2. Declutter my life, throw out old, unused items (working on this)
3. Less diet soda, more water
4. down 15 more lbs by match day
5. exercise 4-5days/week
6. walk dogs 2times/day weather permitting (already doing this)
7. Play my piano again (have to declutter first to set it up)
8. Read more, social media less (already deleted fb off phone)
9. Write! journal, creative, anything
10. Be happy and do things that make me happy: big part of this is IC and antidepressants.
11. set sleep schedule. No more sleeping till nooon
12. Eat healthy. Right now, eat peroid!
13. Wear real clothes: jeans, nice shirts, jewlery. No more yoga pants and ripped t-shirts and do my makeup just for myself, not for anyone else.
14. Wear my hair down more (getting it done today!)
15. Teeth whitening
16. Never turn down a chance to get out of the house or see friends.

I've realized as the antidepressants really start to kick in just how much of my last few years have been in a fog of symptoms. I thought I was just lazy and slept too much. I didn't realize that my apathy and sleeping 12 hours a day was a symptom of something more. I thought everyone cried at meaningful songs and commercials or at nothing at all.
Even though I'm going through hell right now, physically I feel better than I have in years. Lost 20ish lbs already, have the physical energy to do things. It's really quite amazing. Of course, I"m still devastated and I'm scared and I want my life and boyfriend back but me thinking he was depressed it what caused me to really take a look at myself and realize I wasn't paying attention to the symptoms in myself. And I know my depression was like a third person in our relationship constantly dragging it down. I guess at this point, I just wish he could see that. But I see it and I'm overcoming it, and that feels pretty amazing.

[Sparkls]

wrote* not wrong ...damn no edit button!!!

[TimR]

That's progress Sparks! Just cause he is not there for your GALing and issues you have worked on, remember these things are for you. Who knows it may get back to him about how good you are doing. Then again it may not, but these things are for you and it sounds as though you are doing well at improving you.

Funny you said about sleep. I also have had the same problem and am going to self evaluate whether my naps and lack of motivation were because of apathy and depression as well.

[Sparkls]

I havne't done it yet because I'm a wee bit scared but I'm probably going to post this as a PSA on my Facebook. Maybe it'll ring true with you:

I want to share something very personal with everyone here because I don’t think there’s any reason to be ashamed of it and I think the more we talk about it, the less shame there will be.
I don’t know when it started. My best guess is sometime during med school but it’s hard to really pick a moment when I noticed it. What I noticed first was I slept. A lot. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot by anyone’s standards. But I chalked it up to the fact that I’ve always loved sleeping. And med school is stressful, so surely its normal to sleep for 12 hours and take a nap during the day. I also noticed I didn’t want to do anything else. I was perfectly content to sit in bed all day. Where I once was a social butterfly, I found myself finding whatever excuses I could to not leave my house. I noticed I’d get excessively sad at things that were sometimes sad but didn’t really warrant tears (songs that were particularly moving or commercials about puppies). But I continued to ignore it. I felt fatigued but again chalked this up to the life of a med student. I stopped doing the things I loved. I really stopped doing anything that I didn’t explicitly *have* to. I was short tempered, irritable, and quite frankly, not the best person to be around sometimes. I really lost what made me me.
None of this was because I was a med student. All of these were my personal symptoms of depression. I was lucky in that I never wanted to hurt myself. I never thought life wasn’t worth living, I just had stopped enjoying it. I didn’t care what happened, one way or the other. And it took me losing some things very close to me to really look at myself and say hey, wait, that’s not normal.
So now, even while I’m going through something really awful, I’m also on antidepressants. And it’s really quite amazing how different I feel on them. The sadness isn’t gone, but right now I should be sad. But I have energy. I move, I want to get stuff done, I find myself wanting to *do* things for the first time in forever. I find that the apathy I had felt before is lifting. And there’s a lot of fear and excitement and pain, but it’s feeling. Depression has been like this person standing in the corner of my life bringing me down, preventing me from feeling real joy or excitement. And now, I can see him, acknowledge that he’s there. And perhaps most importantly, I can overcome him. I can beat him.
The sad reality is that in 3 months, I will be a doctor and it took me *years* to recognizes the symptoms of depression in myself. So look out for your loved ones. Look for the subtle changes. Recognition really is the first step. And also realize that this isn’t something you can control. You can’t wish yourself to not feel this way. This isn’t your fault. It wasn’t my fault. But it is treatable. We don’t have to feel like this. We can beat it. And there’s no shame in asking for help.

[Thornton]

What are you hoping to accomplish Sparks?

Are you hoping this will get back to H and it will make him question his reason for leaving? That perhaps you were acting weird because you were depressed and now that you know what's going on, there's a fix and he can come home now?

[Sparkls]

I'm not hoping for anything. I'm not thinking of posting it for him, I'm posting it for all of my friends in med school (I have several friends who were depressed and didn't see it) and otherwise to see it and maybe take something away from it.

He already knows I'm depressed, on meds and am feeling a little bit better. Would I be sad if he saw it, no. but that's not my intent. But I can see how he might think it is directed at him.

[TimR]

IMO I think you might want to take the portions out of what is going on now and him. He will see that as pursuit and trying to control him.